Steps
by Psamathe
Summary: Originally published on the SJD. An alternative universe view of Stargate SG1. Sam and Jack's relationship from enemies to friends to something more.
1. Chapter 1

A/N This story was first published on the SJD. It is currently a WIP and I don't know when it will be completed, however it should eventually cover series 1-8 of Stargate SG1 and contains spoilers for all seasons.

"Bastard!"

"Sam, are you OK?"

"Colonel O'Neill is a bastard!"

Hardly the most descriptive terms, but that's the only phrase I can come up with. Janet looks at me sympathetically. Everyone knows that the Colonel can be a difficult man, but why the hell does he have to take it out on me all of the time? It wasn't my fault the mission had gone badly. Difficult to provide back-up for another team when you're pinned down in a valley trying to avoid being shot. If SG5's intell. had been better... but no it was all my fault ... again.

I'm starting to wonder why I fought so hard to get myself get re-assed here. I should have stayed at the pentagon. It wasn't like I was unhappy there. Probably would have stayed if I hadn't have wanted to go through the Stargate so badly. I regretted my decision the second the Colonel questioned my apointment. The General overruled him on that occasion, but O'Neill got his way when it came to SG1. Hell, it was my assigment, but he made sure his old pal Kowalski was on the team and I was shoved onto SG2.

So he hates scientists ... big deal ... get over it ... Maybe he would have done if the CO of SG2 hadn't got taken over by that Goa'uld. We dealt with the situation, but Major Davis didn't make it. In the absence of another officer General Hammond promoted me. I was shocked, stunned ... It was way earlier than I had been expecting. Hammond gave a great speech during my promotion ceremony... wonderful ... but did he have to tell the entire SGC that he'd once served with my father? I know what O'Neill thought. His face gave him away. Turned out that he'd put Kowalski in for that promotion and his best friend been passed over for a woman scientist whose daddy knew all the right people. After that our relationship was never going to improve.

Every time I opened my mouth O'Neill came back with some snarky comment. My opinion meant nothing, hell it got to the stage where I would consciously avoid saying anything if we happened to attend the same briefing. And now this latest debacle ... SG2 were the ones who came off worst. We're the ones who have to remain on world for two weeks while we all recover from our injuries. But guess what? SG1 has to take our next assignment! Their downtime has been cancelled ... for which, naturally, O'Neill blames me. Don't know why. He doesn't seem to have a life off the base. In fact, I think he's rivalling me for the number of hours overtime he puts in. I see him sometimes, wandering the corridors late at night. Not that he acknowledges my existence, but we both seem to feed on the same brand of coffee.

"There you go," Janet tells me, completing my wound dressing.

I flex my hand experimentally. It hurts.

"Thanks, Janet," I say.

"Now, I think the best thing you can do is get some rest."

"I'll try."

Gingerly, I get off the bed. My ribs protest, painfully. I guess I shouldn't have gone hand to hand with that native. At least I have the satisfaction of knowing that he came off worst. All that training definitely wasn't a waste of time. Maybe I should just go ten rounds with Colonel O'Neill then he might believe that I'm able to do my job properly. Who am I kidding? He's special forces, I wouldn't last two minutes. Be fun though, just to see his face if I challenged him. He didn't seem to be adverse to a spot of arm wrestling.

Janet's used to me complaining about O'Neill. After all, she's the only person who can afford to give me any sympathy. Anyone else just thinks I'm off on some feminist kick. My fault really, I kinda gave that impression right from the start. If I could have that time over...

Thinking about it, the rest of SG1 are nice guys. Even Kowalski doesn't seem to hold the same kind of grudge his commanding officer does.

"Don't worry about Colonel O'Neill. He'll come around," Janet tries to reassure me.

"That's what I keep telling myself. Doesn't seem to be happening," I return.

"Sam, you're doing a good job. If you weren't Hammond would have replaced you by now."

"No one else believes that."

"Don't let one impolite, obnoxious, male chauvinistic colonel ruin your career, Sam."

"I won't, don't worry. I've dealt with worse."

"Come on, I'm all finished here, want to grab a cup of coffee?"

"As long as we can do some more O'Neill bashing."

"All you want."

We saunter along to the commissary. There aren't that many women here and we all tend to band together, not from any fear of male domination ... Sometimes there are things you can only discuss with another woman.

More bad luck. The commissary is full. Yes, there are a couple of seats available, but there is no way we're going to sit with SG1 ... no way at all ... Hell, Janet's going over there. Why won't she stop? At least don't make me sit next to him. No chance, she takes the chair opposite,

"This seat taken?" I ask the Colonel, really hoping that it is.

He looks up at me, as if I'm not worthy to scrape mud of the sole of his shoe, but does honour me with a reply,

"Suite yourself."

O'Neill doesn't just come right out and insult me. That's not his style. He'll wait until the perfect moment and then try to shoot me down ... digging a knife in my back as he does so.

I sit down and he proceeds to ignore me, continuing his conversation with Kowalski. This is probably Janet's idea of therapy. Well, it's not going to work. I mouth 'help' at her, but she just shakes her head. I'd get up and leave but he'd see that as a weakness.

"How you feeling, Major?"

Looking up from my coffee in shock, I notice that Kowalski is speaking to me. He doesn't usually do that when O'Neill's around.

"Saw you take that guy down," he goes on, "Nice work."

"Thanks."

I can't help blushing a little. It was a nice thing for him to say, but O'Neill' s glaring at me,

"I'm surprised," he says, no doubt seeing another opportunity to bait me.

"That I won?" I ask, rising to the challenge.

"That you've had any hand to hand at all. I mean I would have thought that Daddy would have made sure you stayed away from any actual fighting."

"I'm here, aren't I?"

"But for how much longer?"

"As long as it takes."

I smile at him, but inwardly my heart is sinking. I'm suddenly aware that new battle lines have been drawn. For some stupid reason he seems to have taken Kowalski's compliment as a personal insult. The stakes have been raised in this game we seem to be playing, and it's going to be a matter of who cracks first. I'm even more determined that it's not going to be me.

* * *

***

OK, I can do this, I can be nice to him. This is my new strategy. When faced with Colonel O'Neill, I'm going to be perfectly calm and polite, I am not going to let my emotions get the better of me.

He's sitting in the locker room, a cigar box in his lap. From what I can see, it looks as if he's flipping through some pictures. SG1 has just returned back from a mission ... the one SG2 were supposed to go on. According to Dr. Jackson all they found was yellow sand and some blue crystals. I've had one sent down to the lab. I might as well take a look at it ... after all it isn't like I have anything better to do. SG2 still aren't cleared for gate travel and it's driving us all stir crazy.

"No offence, Colonel, but this becomes the women's locker room in ... well now, actually," I begin.

I need to change into my uniform, but O'Neill acts as if he hasn't heard. That box is definitely holding his attention, but then again so does Nintendo.

"You don't have to hurry on my account," I add.

Curious, I wander over to him, catching a glimpse of one of the pictures. It's O'Neill with a woman and a boy. His wife and son, I guess. Wow... someone actually married the guy. Brave woman.

"Nice, you have a family," I continue.

"Yes," he replies.

"I'm an aunty myself. My brother moved to San Diego, so I don't get to see him much, he has two kids now, a boy and a girl, I miss them like hell. I don't get out there near enough."

Yes, I'm babbling, but that's probably because he's not being actively unpleasant. It seems he's got a new tactic ... ignoring me completely. He stands to put the box back in his locker. With new determination I try again,

"I see you feel the same way..."

"Bye Sam," he mutters and heads out of the door, almost knocking over Dr. Jackson on the way.

"Jack seems very... focused," he observes

"Yeah," I reply.

Well, that was weird. O'Neill called me Sam. I didn't think he even knew what my name was! The fact that another man has just come into what is supposed to be the women's locker room escapes me for a moment,

"He was looking at pictures of his family, I guess he must be in a hurry to get home. I didn't even know that he was married."

"Oh, he isn't," Jackson informs me. "He was but they separated after his son died."

Oh My God, and there was I going on about my family and how much I miss them ... O'Neill doesn't have one at all.

During the next few hours I manage to get the whole story out of Dr. Jackson. I didn't know what to say. I had never even imagined ... Poor guy. The last thing I wanted was to feel sorry for someone who was supposed to be my sworn enemy, but I couldn't help myself. From what Jackson said it looked like O'Neill's life had fallen apart when Charlie died and his marriage disintegrated. He was holding it together now, but I found myself wondering how fragile that bond was. If I ever wanted amunition against him, this was it. I could really hurt him. Having that power should have made me feel good. It didn't. Destroying him wasn't what I had in mind.

I guess I should have realised that the man in the locker room hadn't been the real O'Neill. He was too nice. Silent, but far too agreeable. I had nothing but good intentions in mind, when I told him where his double might have gone, I swear. But O'Neill berated me for not telling him earlier. How could I. I'd only just worked it out myself. He yelled at me for a while before taking off with the rest of SG1. This time I just sat back and took it. Damn, but I really did felt sorry for him. Deep down, I've always thought that we could be friends. I mean he does have his good points. I can't think of any right now, but he does have them.

That was several hours ago. Apparently they came back and O'Neill took the crystal entity through the gate. That was the last I heard. I hope he's OK. Gossip says it took the form of his dead son and that's got to screw you up some.

It's late now, and I'm still here, haunting the corridors in search of my next cup of coffee. Like there's anything unusual about that. Neither was it exactly strange for me to run into Colonel O'Neill. He was sitting alone in the darkened commissary. This time he was in a bad way and it wasn't just coffee he had been drinking. I didn't really know what to say to him. But O'Neill quickly proved he could find enough words for himself.

"Well, if it ain't daddy's little Major," his speech is slurred and, even from several feet away, I can smell the whiskey on his breath.

There's no reply I can really make. He's drunk, he's not going to listen to me. I'm just going to grab my coffee and leave. With any luck the General will walk in here and that'll be the end of Colonel O'Neill's career. Good riddance.

"That's right, Major. Walk away, don't get involved."

His voice mocks me and despite myself I have to turn back.

"Look, I know you've had a rough time, but there is no reason for putting me through this shit!"

"You don't know squat!"

"Daniel told me about your wife and son. For what it's worth I'm sorry."

"I don't want your pity! You're sorry...How would you know what it's like? Who have you lost, Major?"

"My Mom, when I was thirteen. I was angry for a very long time, so never say that I don't know, Colonel, because I do!"

I don't know why I tell him that. What difference is it going to make? Jeeze, I can't even be nice to this guy without him taking it the wrong way. I should just go. Leave the bastard to his self pity. Why can't I just walk out of the door?

I'm not going to leave him like this, that's why. He's slumped over one of the tables, probably unconscious. I walk over to him, placing a hand on his shoulder.

"Colonel, I really think you should go back to your quarters," I tell him.

"Don't wanna," he mutters into the table top. "Don't wanna go to school, mom."

Oh this is just great! Why me? Why aren't the rest of his team members here to look after him? I look down at him. He just seems so vulnerable and I can't help but find it attractive. What the hell is wrong with me? My unwilling fingers reach out to stroke his hair...Oh well if there really is no one else.

"Get up, Jack." I order.

He does so, very reluctantly. By this stage he obviously has no idea who I am. I sling his arm about my shoulders and persuade him to walk, but I don't think he'll make it as far as his quarters. Come to think of it, I don't even know where his quarters are, but the VIP rooms are on this level. I think I can manage to get him that far. He's dragging his feet, I don't think he wants to go where I'm taking him, but he's not conscious enough to protest. God, I hope no one sees us. It would really get the rumour mill started.

We're lucky. I get him into the VIP quarters and let him fall on the bed. He rolls onto his back, looking up at me.

"What're you doin' here?" he asks me.

"Putting you to bed," I reply, bending down to take his boots off.

I'm removing the left one, when I feel his hands in my hair. His running his fingers through it. What the hell? I look up and he's smiling at me. For a man who's half cut, his eyes look pretty damn sincere. He's never smiled at me before, I never realised how much it could change him. His face has softened, making him look younger, less careworn. It's actually a very good looking face.

"Go to sleep, Jack," I tell him.

If anything his grin grows even wider and before I know what's happening, his arm is about my waist and he's pulling me backwards. We land on the bed in a tangle of limbs. I give a little shriek as he rolls us, trapping me beneath him.

"Thank you," he says, "for coming back."

"I couldn't just leave you there."

It's the truth. I damn well tried, but I couldn't do it. His face is coming closer to mine, his brown eyes filled with warmth. He's going to kiss me ...Colonel O'Neill is going to kiss me. I should stop this, I should stop this now...

I close my eyes as his lips touch my own. It's amazing, soft, passionate ...uncharacteristically gentle. His leg works it's way between mine and I can't stop myself giving a little incoherent moan as he exerts just the right amount of pressure.

"Oh God ... Sara..." he groans.

Sara? Who the hell is Sara? Then it hits me ... his ex-wife. He's so far gone, he thinks I'm his ex-wife. Dammit, I wish ... I wish that kiss had been meant for me. I struggle out from underneath him. O'Neill starts to protest, but the alcohol in his system takes over and the next thing I hear is snoring. Probably a good thing, saves me punching his lights out. I twitch the blanket over him. Wouldn't want him to get cold now, would we? Suddenly feeling very, very tired, I slump into the nearest chair. I get the feeling this is going to be a long night.

* * *

You know these VIP quarters aren't half bad. At least the beds are comfortable ... wait a second ...I don't remember the bed. I struggle to my feet. O'Neill is sitting in one of the chairs, staring at me. I glance at my watch. It's late, I'm supposed to be on duty.

"Sam," his voice stops me as I head for the door.

"Colonel?"

"It's Jack, remember?"

"Jack, right."

He doesn't want to meet my eyes ... hardly surprising given his behaviour last night. I mean he was the one who kissed me. I didn't do any kissing back, no way, not at all ... well ... maybe just a little. I'd like to say that it was because I haven't been kissed recently ... but it wasn't. I haven't really missed sex much ... at least not until he started running his fingers through my hair.

"I think I owe you an apology," he begins.

It's obviously not something O'Neill... Jack ...is used to. In fact, in the months I've known him, I don't think I've ever heard him apologise before. No wonder he's not very good at it.

"And to say thank you."

"What for?" I ask.

"You could have just walked away, but you didn't. By the way my head feels, I must have been in a pretty bad state."

"You were."

"I didn't try anything, did I?"

"No, you didn't."

The relief on his face make's the lie worthwhile. There's no reason he has to know.

"Good. I'm glad ... I mean I wouldn't want to jeopardise our working relationship."

"What working relationship?"

"Yeah, right ... buy you breakfast?"

"From the commissary? It's free."

"Hey, it's the thought that counts."

I can't help laughing at him. His sense of humour is starting to reassert itself. Under normal circumstances I would find that threatening but this time I just can't help myself. He can be really funny and, God help me, I find that attractive. And he has really nice eyes ... No, Sam, don't go there. But he does. I'm only telling the truth.

"So?" he pushes.

"Yes, you can buy me breakfast even though no money will change hands."

"Great."

We sneak out and into the commissary. I think everyone turns to look when we walk in together. Both of us try to look cool as we collect our respective breakfasts; Jack's Froot Loops and my pancakes. When we sit down together I thought Dr. Jackson was going to choke on his bacon. Oh, this is fun. Jack's eyes catch mine, obviously thinking the same thing.

"So Major, you going running to see Uncle George any time today?" he starts.

"I might have a word, just to tell him Daddy sends hugs. Anything you want me to pass on?"

Dr. Jackson's eyebrows almost leave his skull. On the other hand Kowalski, is far more direct.

"Is there something you two want to tell us?"

We both burst out laughing. I guess the feud is officially over.

When we are alone again, I ask him why? His attitude changed overnight and it can't be due to one kiss ... which he says he doesn't remember. Jack hesitates before he answers...

"I have one rule, Sam. No one gets left behind."

"Oh."

"You didn't leave me and that'll always mean something."

"But it wasn't in a combat situation."

"Doesn't matter. I was in a bad way... I haven't drunk that much since...well...since I got back from Abydos the first time and found that Sara had gone."

"Must have been hard."

"It was."

I can't believe he's talking to me this way. For two people who don't know each other very well, it's incredibly intimate. We're sitting in my lab. I was on a break and he brought me coffee. Seems he knows a lot about my working habits.

"Anyway I just wanted to let you know," he finishes.

"Thanks Jack and thanks for the coffee."

"No problem, see you later."

Yeah, we're Sam and Jack now. A little improper maybe, considering the fact that he's a colonel and I'm only a lowly major, but I guess we've made the first steps towards a tenuous kind of friendship. What I did for him...well, it was only a small thing but it obviously meant a lot. I find myself wondering about this man. What made him the way he is? I think there's more to his story...and I'm looking forward to finding out.


	2. Step Two

"Engaged?" I stare at Jack, my mouth falling open in amazement, "Daniel said we were engaged?"

"Yep."

"Why...I mean how?"

"Didn't get that out of him before Sparky showed up."

"I suppose it's theoretically possible...from a physics point of view."

Jack raises his eyebrows, no doubt expecting another lecture. Sensing he's not really in the mood to listen I decide to shut up. Engaged? After a shaky start, Jack and I have a pretty good friendship, but the thought of romance has never entered my mind. We haven't even kissed since that time he thought I was Sara ...OK once, when we were both drunk...but that didn't mean anything. Despite myself, I can't stop a grin spreading across my face, as I remember that night. Kowalski bet twenty dollars that Jack and I couldn't keep going for ten minutes...Ferretti upped the bet to fifty, so naturally we had to try and take his money! I think we nearly asphyxiated, but what a way to go!

"What are you smiling at?" Jack demands.

"Nothing," I tell him.

He's nervous. No wonder. The future of the Stargate program is in the balance. I don't think I ever realised how much this all means to him. All that stands between continuing the project and shutdown is SG1's testimony. They're the ones who have to persuade Senator Kinsey that the work we do here is worthwhile. Guess that's what happens if you're the Project's foremost team. Sometimes I still get annoyed that I was relegated to SG2 ... despite the fact I got a promotion out of it... but right now I wouldn't swap places. They'll be called in a couple of minutes. Which is why I found Jack, in his dress uniform, pacing the corridor outside the briefing room.

"So what are you going to tell Kinsey?" I ask him.

"Don't know...I just hope I don't lose it with him. How long do you think I'd get for punching out a Senator?"

I'd laugh if I didn't think he was serious. Before long the rest of SG1 join us. Daniel has his arm in a sling after his return from his alternate reality. I'm still a little sceptical about that. I mean if I hadn't already seen so much strange stuff I'd be angling to have him committed.

"Ready kids?" Jack asks.

They all nod and he turns to lead the way into the briefing room.

"Hang on a second," I stop him.

Moving in front of Jack, I pull his tie straight and brush a speck of fluff off his jacket.

"Hey look," Kowalski laughs, "the little woman is making sure her Colonel is all neat and tidy before he meets the Senator."

"Daniel told him we were...?" I question.

"Daniel told everyone," Jack admits.

I glare at Daniel who immediately tries to apologise.

"Actually it's kinda cute," Charlie goes on.

"Kowalski!"

"Wanna arm wrestle, Major?"

"Wanna broken arm ?"

"Hey, play nice children," Jack interrupts us.

They were stuck in there for three hours and I spent most of that time in the Gateroom, pretending to work. Like I didn't stare up at the briefing room, just to see if I could work out what was going on. Senator Kinsey didn't come crashing through the glass, so I figured that Jack was keeping his temper. Despite my earlier misgivings, I wanted to be in there, fighting our corner. Why the hell didn't Kinsey ask to see the rest of the SG units? We'd all done our fair share. My own team are a good bunch of men and some of the missions we've been on have rivalled the legendary SG1. At least none of us have ever slept with a native and nearly died as a result. Besides, I make sure my guys carry condoms.

There's a pretty good relationship between SG1 and SG2. It helps that Kowalski, Ferretti and Jack all served together on the first Abydos mission. Charlie and Jack go back even further than that. Now Jack and I have a better relationship we all hang out together off base. Oh they used to do that before ...they just left me out. Now they go out of their way to make me feel like one of the guys. Which is great ...I have a better social life without having to shave my legs. What more could a girl ask for?

I'm actually adjusting something that needs adjusting when Siler taps me on the shoulder.

When I see them all standing at the window I know it's over; Teal'c, Kowalski, Daniel and Jack. Charlie turns his thumb down, but I didn't need his signal. I can tell by the expression in Jack's eyes. Angry is probably an understatement. I wouldn't like to face him in that mood. Guess Kinsey must be braver than we all thought...or stupider. Given the fact that he's obviously decided to shut the program down I think it's probably the latter.

I leave the Gateroom to go and meet them, but by the time I get there, Jack's already gone. Must have left to change out of his dress uniform. There's no smiles from the rest of the guys, no banter. Daniel's clutching a piece of paper. I look at it, then at him.

"Kinsey didn't get the alternate universe theory, did he?" I ask.

"No," Daniel replies, "he didn't."

"He shot down every damn argument Jack made," Kowalski went on, "And then Danny-boy speaks up ...We might have well have signed the death warrant right there and then."

"It'll happen. I've seen it."

"Daniel would you shut up!"

"Where did Jack go?" I cut through the arguments.

"I think he went to the Commissary, to try and scrounge some of that crap coffee you both drink."

"Thanks."

Somehow I feel that I have to find Jack and see how he's doing. That confrontation can't have been easy for him...especially when Daniel decided to stick his oar in. Jack wasn't in the Commissary, but I finally managed to track him down in my lab. of all places. He must move fast because he's managed to ditch his dress uniform and grab us both coffee.

"I was looking for you," he says as I appear at the door.

"Likewise, thanks for the coffee ... I heard what happened."

"Kinsey has no idea what goes on out there. He thinks the good ole US of A can defeat the Goa'uld."

"Maybe you should have taken him through the gate."

"I offered. Believe me, I thought about just tossing him through."

"So that's it."

"That's it ... Hammond won't even let Teal'c go home."

"After all he's done?"

"I know, but the President has given his orders, no one is getting out of here that way."

"Damn shame."

"Yeah ... I'd have gone with him. Still might if we can swing it."

I can't help staring at him, trying to think of reasons why he should stay. Jack can't leave. Who would bring me coffee? There wouldn't be anyone to pick me up and take me out to meet the rest of the guys. No one to sneak chocolate into my rations ... Who am I kidding? When the program closes he won't be here to do that stuff anyway.

"Why would you go?" I ask.

"There's nothing for me here. Out there...well...I might be able to do some good."

I'm almost tempted to throw it all away and go with him. Would be better than staying here and getting sent back to the pentagon.

"Sam ... this alternate universe thing?"

"Yes."

"You think there might be anything to it?"

Is he asking what I think he's asking?

"There could be," I reply, carefully.

Thinking about it, I'm not as adverse to the idea as I thought I would be. Samantha Carter-O'Neill does have a nice ring to it. Ring...I wonder what kind of ring he's going to get me? I've always been partial to sapphires myself, they go with my eyes. Hey, maybe we could take the honeymoon in Maui...

"So if we dial in those co-ordinates...?"

Oh...Jumped the gun a little there Samantha...Back to reality.

"We may be able to Gate somewhere. That's assuming the Goa'uld launch their attack from the same place in this universe. After all Daniel described some differences..."

Jack looks at me and grins. I find myself blushing a little, especially given the direction my thoughts were taking.

"Sam, I can count on the rest of SG1 to come with me, but you know the base computers better than anyone. We could really use your help."

I take a sip of my coffee. How can I refuse?

* * *

***

The first thing I feel is someone touching my face. I open my eyes, but it's dark, I can't see a thing. Making an instant decision, I grab the hand and I bite down ... hard.

There's a satisfying crunch ... followed by an angry yell.

Jack, it's Jack! I'd recognise that voice anywhere. I grope about with my hand, finding his leg and his sidearm...that is his sidearm, right? Moving further up his body I touch his face, just reassuring myself that it really is him. I can feel his hat, the scar on his left eyebrow...his lips. I snatch my hand back.

"Jack? I'm sorry, it's just so dark in here."

"It's all right...I like your attitude," he tells me.

Sounds like I really did hurt him.

"What do you know, the Major bites. That should be fun, Colonel."

Okay, so Kowalski's awake too. We could have done without that prime example of his so called wit. When Jack says stuff like that it's funny. If it's Charlie it's just sick.

"It's not dark, we're blind!" Daniel interrupts.

"All right take it easy Daniel, we've been in worse situations than this," Jack tries to reassure him.

"Not to my knowledge," Teal'c adds.

"Thanks, Teal'c," Kowalski says.

"They're getting ready to wipe out the major cities of Earth, they'll do it from orbit, out of reach," Daniel goes on.

He doesn't want to be reassured and I can't say I blame him. If he has seen all this before, it must be like finding himself living a nightmare.

"Danny-boy, could you try to look on the bright side, just for a minute...."

"Kowalski, I've already been through this once before. I've already seen this before?"

"Daniel will you relax? You've been through it before and you survived. We're...just having a bad day," Jack tells him

No longer really paying attention to the argument I start to blink my eyes rapidly. Is it my imagination or is there some texture to the darkness?

"Colonel, I think I'm starting to see something!" I say.

"My sight returns as well," Teal'c adds.

"That's what I wanna hear," Jack sounds almost cheerful. Next to me, I hear him scramble to his feet. "Sam...if someone comes in here you...bite 'em in the hand."

"Yes, sir."

It hasn't escaped my notice that I've slipped back to the military form of address. It just seems more appropriate, given our current situation. Jack's feeling his way around our prison. I chart his progress by the various grunts from the other members of the team, as he unfailingly manages to walk into them. I can see why he would be frustrated, but in the end there's nothing we can do except sit back and wait for our sight to come back. I don't know how long we've been out. It could be that the C4 will blow any second. Maybe that's why Jack's so nervous.

As my vision clears, I can just about see him standing by what looks like a door. He looks like he's about to beat crap out of it. Kowalski must have noticed because he gets up and starts to talk to him in low, urgent tones. I can't hear what they're saying, but eventually he persuades Jack to come and sit down with the rest of us.

"I'm not big on enclosed spaces," Jack mutters to me, by way of an explanation.

It's not much of one, but I get the feeling it's all I'm going to get for now.

"Want me to have a look at your hand?" I ask, which makes him laugh.

We sit there for several hours. Despite my long period of unconsciousness, I have to fight the urge to sleep. We can't afford to drop our guard for a second. As soon as that door opens we're going to try to get out of here. Jack hasn't given any orders...I just know.

"Well, on the bright side, my hand isn't blurry anymore," Daniel says eventually.

I'm about to snap at him, when we hear footsteps in the corridor. Jack waves Daniel and I towards the far wall, while he, Kowalski and Teal'c flatten themselves next to the door. This is it. Even if we don't make it, anything has to better than sitting here waiting for the ship to explode.

A Serpent guard comes through, his helmet open to reveal a bearded man of indeterminate age. I say that because I know that a Jaffa can live longer than a normal human.

"Bra'tac? " Jack questions.

OK so these guys obviously know each other...which must be why Bra'tac hits Jack in the face with his forearm.

"Oh God!" Jack exclaims as he collapses, holding his nose.

"Fools! Hashak! You doom yourselves! It is all I can do to keep you alive. Do you know all I have done to regain the trust of Apophis and join this campaign?" Bra'tac rages.

My guess is that this Bra'tac guy is pissed about something. I keep quiet, not wanting to interrupt what is obviously a very touching reunion.

"Tek matte, Bra'tac," Teal'c speaks, stepping forward...He could have done that before Jack got hit. Bra'tac seems to relax slightly,

"Hello again Old friend. Your son grows strong, one day he will be a great warrior. But you should not have come."

"I stand by my friends. I believe this world may be our only hope in one day overcoming the false gods."

"Yes. As pathetic as that may seem at the moment. I agree."

Then he looks at me. It clear that he views me as the pathetic one. His eyes are nothing but disdainful.

"You bring a woman?"

"Look, I don't know who you are but..." I start in on him.

"Better ease off on Carter, Bra'tac or she'll bite you," Kowalski grins. "Ask the Colonel...Now you were agreeing that Earth was going to overcome false Gods?"

"He was?" Daniel asks.

"I may even have been able to save this world had you not interfered," Bra'tac continues.

"Hey! What do you think we've been trying to do? It's our world you're talking about," Jack says, finally recovering enough to join in the conversation.

"Enough human! This is not the place to talk of these things. I have been ordered by Apophis himself to execute you. An order I intend to disregard. Come."

***

* * *

We had to leave Daniel behind. And to think, a few hours ago, I was accusing Jack of making emotional decisions? I know it isn't easy to abandon a team member. No one gets left behind is his number one rule. I think it was only the fact that we were all going to die anyway that persuaded him to do it. If it had been me or Kowalski or Teal'c I don't think he would have been so upset. After all, we are supposed to die in the line of duty, Daniel is not. The one civilian member of our team had to pay the ultimate price. It's worse because, we're not going to die. The Glider bays are full, we can fly back to Earth...or so I thought.

"Sir, those are two man ships and there are five of us," I tell him.

I needn't have bothered. Even Jack can do that math.

"Go," he yells.

"No sir."

"No? "

"No one gets left behind, remember?"

I should feel bad about throwing those words at him, but I don't. I will not let him die alone here. Kowalski and Teal'c have already gone to one of the ships and I can see Bra'tac waiting impatiently by another.

"Carter, the C4 is going to blow. This is no time to ignore orders!"

"Colonel O'Neill I am not leaving you here."

"Fine..."

He grabs my hand and starts dragging me towards the Glider. What's he going to do? The ship only has two...oh. He pulls me into his lap, holding me tightly. Bra'tac looks back at us...I can tell that he's scornful of our human weakness, but he doesn't say anything. He just tosses something in Jack's direction.

"Human, put this on," he orders.

"Will you please stop calling me human?" Jack complains. "Our time is up, we have got to go!"

I feel myself pushed back against Jack as the craft launches. He doesn't complain, but I can tell the impact of my body is enough to drive the air from his lungs. His struggling to breathe as we fly clear of the ship...only to be struck by the explosion. Jack is still holding onto me and it's only the strength of his arms that stops my shooting forward and hitting Bra'tac.

Eventually the shaking stops and we manage to maintain an even flight. I raise my head so I can look at Jack. He gives me a small smile and shifts my weight slightly.

"Bra'tac...Bra'tac! You OK?" he asks.

"Not bad for an old man."

I grin and, on impulse, lean forward to hug Bra'tac. He seems pleased rather than embarrassed.

"Colonel? come in," Kowalski's voice sounds over the radio.

"We're OK, Charlie," Jack replies.

"Same here. But I don't think we bought ourselves much time, our glider's had it."

"I concur," Teal'c agrees.

"We got cooked pretty bad in the explosion," I say, realising how serious our situation still is.

"Sam..." Jack begins.

"We're low on power and in a fairly low orbit, so I don't imagine it'll be too much longer before we burn up in Earth's atmosphere."

"Sam...take a look up."

I follow his gaze. Oh My God! Earth is above us, just like you see it in all those shuttle pictures. The sight takes my breath away.

"It's beautiful," I whisper.

"Yes, it is."

Jack's no longer looking at the view, he's staring straight at me.

"We saved it, sir," I say, meeting his eyes.

"Yes, we did."

"It's going to be a beautiful sunset, Jack."

"You know, Sam, this wasn't such a bad day after all."

"Not bad at all."

I lean towards him, resting my head on his shoulder. We sit together, quietly admiring the view. Dimly, I hear Bra'tac speak again. He's sharing his last moments with his friend.

"We die well, Teal'c."

"More than that, old friend...we die free," Teal'c replies.

That's the important thing. We die free...not locked up in some Goa'uld prison....not stuck on our own planet watching impotently as fire rains from the skies...we die free.

"Or not!" Jack exclaims.

There's only one more beautiful sight than the Earth and it's the shuttle Endeavour, come to take us home.

* * *

***

You know, when I was a kid I always wanted to be an astronaut but, now I know why they call the shuttle the world's worst glider. Stargate is a much better way to travel. I give it up to those shuttle pilots though. They landed her right on the button. Even Jack was impressed, and that's saying something. Weightlessness was really cool. Teal'c was hilarious....I don't think the symbiont liked it very much, though. We had to wait a while until we had a landing window so Jack and I spent most of the time turning somersaults. That and coping with the toilet arrangements; the slinger I could understand...but Mr. Slurpy? If I didn't know before, I'm now certain that the Stargate project is the right place for me to be. Assuming we still have a project and I'm not Court-martialled the second I get back.

I needn't have worried. The General had quite a celebration organised, but saving the Earth was nothing compared to the revelation that Daniel was alive and well. For a couple of seconds I thought Jack was going to cry. After we'd finished hugging Daniel, Jack pulled me so close I thought he was going to break a couple of ribs. I lost track of him after that. The rest of my team showed up with a couple of bottles of Champagne....which they liberally sprayed over me. It's on my clothes, in my hair... thought they'd be pissed because I'd left them behind. It turned out that Ferretti had tried to come after us, but by the time they tried to dial we'd already left the co-ordinates. I love these guys, they're just the best.

Luckily, I manage to save enough champagne to pour a couple of glasses, then I go and find Jack.

"Jack!" I call out to him.

He turns away from his conversation with General Hammond and grins at me,

"Sam, you smell like a winery!"

"It's this new champagne beauty treatment the guys decided to try out. I managed to save some though."

I hand him the other glass and clink mine against it.

"To dying well," I say.

"To being free," he returns.


	3. Three Steps Forward

I guess Jack drew the short straw tonight. He's standing in my living room waiting for me to get changed. I told him he'd got here too early, but we both knew he was exactly on time. It was me who had lost track. Not that I was doing anything interesting, but it's amazing how lying on the couch channel surfing can be so absorbing.

"Sam! I'd like to get there before closing time!" Jack yells from the living room.

He's getting impatient. I don't blame him, he's been waiting half an hour already. I really, really don't want to do this. Somehow the world outside my apartment is a little too scary right now. It's the first weekend I've been home since...since....Janet released me from the infirmary. The guys have decided that we all need to celebrate. Celebrate what? Me being alive? From my perspective it doesn't seem like such a good thing.

"You going out like that?" he asks when I finally emerge.

So I don't look so great, what does he expect? Why should he care? We're only going to O'Malley's, aren't we? It's not like they have a dress code.

"I'm not saying you don't look cute in your sweats..."

"Jack, just leave it, OK?" I snap back.

I go to pick up my purse, but Jack stops me.

"Come on, Sam."

"Why?"

"You were wearing those when I brought you home."

"So?"

"So go change."

"How about I just stay here?"

I slump back down on the couch and turn the TV on. If I work this right he might just get so pissed that he'll leave me alone. I don't want to go anywhere and I definitely don't want to have fun...or whatever dubious definition Jack might have of that word.

"Major, get your ass out of that door," he orders.

It won't work. I just stare at him. We're not on the base now and I'm not about to let him order me around.

"Fine, have it your way," he says eventually and heads towards the door. "This won't go away, Sam, trust me. You'll have to face us sometime."

Ignoring him, I curl myself around a cushion. To be honest with myself, I never thought that he would actually go...but I'm glad he did. I don't want anyone to see me... not like this. Jack was right, I look like crap. My hair's unwashed, I have no make-up on my face and I've been wearing the same clothes for at least three days. He doesn't know but I've been sleeping in these sweats as well...not that I've been doing much sleeping.

I don't know where it all went wrong. For a while we seemed to be invincible and I was conceited enough to believe it had something to do with my inspired leadership. SG2 seems to have led a charmed existence, it's been over a year since we lost Major Davies. Even SG1 have had their casualties. Although Daniel did manage to come back from the dead...Several times. Everything has been going so well. We saved the world, had a great party and then...

Janet's fixed for me to have some counselling but I don't know if I'll go. Right now, I feel like quitting all together. There's no real reason for me to stay. Ferretti could take SG2, no problem. In fact it's probably about time he got his own team. I must talk to General Hammond about that....

"OK, I've thought about it and you're not staying here. Now get up and get changed or I'm gonna do it for you."

Jack? When did he come back? Then I realise that he never walked out of the door. He pulls me to my feet and starts pushing me towards the bedroom.

"And don't think I won't strip you, coz I will," he adds.

For a few seconds I'm too shocked to put up a fight. It's only when he's rummaging through my wardrobe that I realise he's serious. He still has a hand about one of my wrists, but I twist myself, trying to get free. Damn but he's strong. He's going to break my wrist before he lets go. I let my body go limp, but he's not gonna fall for that trick either. In an act of desperation I sink my teeth into his hand...just as hard as I did last time. Jack shouts and swears, which makes me bite all the harder. I taste blood in my mouth before he finally releases me.

"Dammit, Sam, what you trying to do?"

"Leave me alone!"

"No!"

"You don't get it, do you? I had one of those things in my head! Dammit, I would have killed everyone on the base if you hadn't have stopped me."

"I know, Sam, and I know how that must make you feel..."

"Stop pretending to understand...you can't, OK?"

"Yes, I can...maybe not being taken over by a Goa'uld. But I know what it's like to be imprisoned and there's not a damn thing you can do about it. There's no escape, you've just gotta wait for the guys outside to help. In the meantime you find every way you can to keep your sanity, but guess what? It don't work. You get home again and nothing seems right anymore, not even those who love you. Finally, you end up in hospital, strapped to a bed while they pump your body full of drugs trying to calm you down because you finally succumbed and hurt someone you cared about."

The ferocity of his words had me stumbling backwards. He hadn't laid a finger on me, but I felt beaten.

"Now get dressed and let me help you," his voice somewhat quieter. "I'm going to do something about this."

He held up his bloody hand.

"I'll get you something," I say.

"No, it'll be fine."

I'm still sitting on the bed as he stalks out of the room. Suddenly I feel small and pathetic, not like the tortured martyr I was pretending to be. Very slowly, I go to the bathroom and start the shower. In less than ten minutes I'm ready to go. My hair is still wet, but I figure what the hell. I've put a little make-up on...and jeans with a clean shirt.

Jack is sitting on my couch, his hand wrapped in a towel. For the first time I notice how tired he looks. I guess this has been tough on all of my friends.

"I'm ready," I say, quietly.

I don't really know to approach him. Tonight we've seen a little more of each other than either of us was prepared for. I think I would have preferred him to strip me naked.

He looks up at me, a small smile on his face as he takes in my altered appearance.

"Better," he says.

"Let's go," I tell him, not really wanting to prolong the conversation.

The atmosphere in the car is strained to say the least. I don't think either of us knows quite what to say. Jack concentrates on the road, and I find myself staring out of the window.

"This isn't the way to O'Malley's," I say.

"I know," He replies.

"Where are we going?"

"Surprise."

"Jack!"

"It's not far."

"This is your place."

"I know."

He grins at me.

The lights are all on, so there's somebody home. Jack makes me close my eyes as I get out of the car and he leads me up the path. His fingers are warm and his thumb is gently caressing the back of my hand. We stop for a few seconds as he opens the door, then....

"Surprise!"

I open my eyes to see a room full of people. Just about everyone on the base is here and there's a huge banner saying 'Welcome Back Sam!'. Ferretti pushes a glass into my hand and drops a brotherly kiss onto my cheek. I think he's been taking lessons in insubordination from Kowalski...and I couldn't be happier.

"I told you I'd get her here," Jack announces.

But at what price? I'm not sure that we can ever see each other in quite the same way. I have trouble working out why he felt he had to go to such extreme measures. Later on in the evening I ask Kowalski about it,

"He told you that?" he questions.

"Yes, before we came out."

"Woah...he must like you more than I thought."

"Like me?"

"Sam, we all know Jack spent some time as a POW in Iraq, but he almost never mentions it. And if he does he changes the subject pretty damn quickly."

"I realise that...but what did you mean when you said he liked me?"

"Why don't you ask him?"

I look over to where Jack is talking to Sergeant Siler...He likes me, what's that supposed to mean? Like like, or something more than that? I'm not making sense even to myself, but then again I've had a couple of beers, maybe I misunderstood what Kowalski said. I know we were engaged in that alternate universe that Daniel always goes on about, but that was different people...a different Jack and Sam. That's it, has to be. Jack catches my stare and smiles. There's a touch of apology in his expression. He excuses himself from Siler and comes over to me.

"Enjoying yourself?" he asks.

"If I say yes will you say, 'I told you so'?"

"Would I do that?"

"Yes."

There's an edge to his teasing, as if we're trying too hard to act like we usually do. I can't help looking into his eyes, trying to work out what he's really thinking. Then it's like the room fades away for a second and there's only us. Jack takes my hand and steps closer. He wants to kiss me...I'm even more certain as he bends his head just a little...we're in the middle of a party...everyone's going to see us. Then I realise, my body isn't going to stop him, I'm leaning in towards him...

"Colonel!"

I'm going to kill Sergent Siler.

"You said you'd show me you're new telescope."

"Sure," Jack replies and squeezes my hand before letting go.

I'm left in the middle of the room, feeling like I've missed something.

* * *

***

The party ended at around midnight and I'm hanging around, waiting for Colonel O'Neill to take me home. I said I could call a cab, but he wouldn't let me. Now this place is quiet and we have time to talk, it seems that he's going out of his way to avoid bringing up any issues. I think he regrets showing me that small part himself that the others don't see. And then there's the fact that we nearly kissed each other. 'm starting to wonder if that wasn't just some figment of my deranged imagination. I mean, why would he do that? Why would I do that? Jack's a friend and everything but...

He's cleaning up. I get the feeling that Jack is very house proud in a male sort of way. I tried to help, but he said he had it covered and offered me another drink. I'm not drunk...far from it. I think I've only managed a couple of beers over the entire evening. Most of the time I was talking. No one has actually mentioned what happened, but it's amazing how much support I've gotten and not just from my own team. Everyone has let me know, in their own way, that they are there if I need them. I must admit I'm feeling alot happier than I did earlier this evening.

Jack has his fire lit and I'm very much at home sitting here, staring into the flames. It wouldn't take much for me to fall asleep. The couch is seems very comfortable right now. I've been holding myself in all evening, trying not to let my emotions take control. There were times that I just wanted to break down in tears. It was sweet of them to arrange all this. As for going back to work...I guess I have to. If I don't God knows what Jack would do. He went to great lengths to get me here and I'm wondering now if he isn't counting the cost. What he said was done so in a heated moment, I'm not going to hold it against him...or even mention it, unless he does.

I wonder what did happen to him while he was in Iraq? And how long it took him to recover? I was out there too, for a while...but I never saw anything to relate to what he must have experienced. In a way it does compare with what happened to me. The feeling of being completely helpless comes immediately to mind. At least Jolinar was gone within a couple of days....imagine months...years...forever?

"Here you go," Jack smiles at me, handing me another glass.

"What are you trying to do to me?" I joke.

It doesn't stop me sipping the wine.

"Oh that's good," I sigh.

"I don't bring out the expensive stuff when the rabble are here."

"Should you be drinking it considering the fact that you still have to drive me home?"

"You could stay here. I have a spare room and the comforter in there is to die for."

"Jack..."

"C'mon....we can kick back, watch a little late night TV, finish the wine. It'll be fun."

"I don't know..."

But my resolve was wavering. I couldn't think of anything nicer than curling up on his couch, in front of the fire and drifting off to sleep. Jack takes my hesitation as assent, kicks off his shoes and flicks on the TV. He's sitting in the chair opposite, but I can't help wondering what it would feel like if he was beside me. Damn Kowalski for putting more ideas into my head...if Daniel's alternate universe wasn't enough. There's nothing wrong to being attracted to Jack, is there? Yes, because I always have a weakness for the lunatic fringe and, if nothing else, tonight has proved that Jack O'Neill can put himself firmly in that category. Although, right now, I wonder if that classification shouldn't refer to me? I have to be mad to be sitting her with him.

It's nice though. We're not saying much, just enjoying the companionship. I guess he must get lonely sometimes, just as I do. This is a rare moment in both our lives. Normally we spend so much time rushing from one planet to another that we hardly seem to have time to draw breath. If I'm not on a mission, I'm working in the lab. I know Jack's the same...without the working in the lab. part. We don't have much time to spend on ourselves. Yes, there's the regular nights out with the rest of the guys, but those don't really count. In a way that's just an extension of work. If anything, my recent experience had taught me that I need to....need to what? It's not a question I seem to be able to answer. My whole life revolves around the Stargate.

I try to pay attention to the film we're watching, but I know I won't be able to stay awake for much longer. The wine, the party...the strain of Jack's revelation, everything has taken it's toll on my body.

"Jack?" I say.

"Yeah," he mumbles.

"Where's that spare room?"

"I'll show you."

He takes my glass and sets it down on the table. Then he leads me to a room at the back of the house. It's a small, with a single bed. Like everything else, it's clean and tidy...although right now I probably wouldn't care.

"The bathroom's first on the left and there are some clean towels under the sink. I'll just get you something to sleep in."

He returns a few minutes later and gives me one of his T-shirts, before turning to leave.

"Jack," I call after him.

"Yeah?"

"Thank you."

The wine has made me a little more daring than I usually am. Acting purely on impulse, I reach up and kiss his cheek.

"Sleep well," he tells me.

Who knows, with Jack close by, I just might manage it.


	4. Four Steps Back

This is getting to be a bad habit ... Sleeping over at Jack's, I mean. Over the past few months I've spent at least one night out of each period of downtime here. Knowing that he's close by is kind of reassuring.

I never plan to stay, but when it gets late and we're both tired, somehow it seems like the natural thing to do. Jack even has a joke about making sure my favourite T-shirt is clean. Tonight it was just us. We took a bottle of wine up to the roof and did a little stargazing. It's amazing how much he knows about Earth-based observing. We came down when we got cold and drank hot chocolate by the fire. It's been a nice evening.

After using the bathroom, I swathe myself in his T-shirt. It's too big but who cares? I think I look kind of cute. Despite the fact it's clean, I can smell something of Jack in the soft material. I bury myself under the comforter and close my eyes. Only one thing is missing. Blame the alcohol, but I can't help wondering what it would be like if he were here too...apart from a little cramped that is. I use those warming thoughts to help me drift off to sleep.

Sleep...it's been so long since I have been able to easily find that release. While I was in the infirmary, Janet fed me drugs to help, but once I got home I stopped taking them. I don't know what I was more scared of; nightmares, or becoming too reliant on the pills. I should have known the nightmares were infinitely worse. I think it's something to do with Jolinar. His memories seem to be invading my own. There have been occasions, on missions, when I've known something I shouldn't have. A prime example; SG1 found some Goa'uld devices and I was able to use them...which has really freaked me out.

Some really bad things happened to Jolinar. Really, really, bad things. I can never tell exactly what happened or when....But sometimes it hurts so much that I would swear someone is torturing me....him...

They're not all bad. There are occasions when Jolinar's memories are downright erotic. I see people, people I've never 's one man in particular. He has the most amazing blue eyes and his smile... His relationship with Jolinar must have been a very special one. When I see him I know that I'll be safe from the nightmares...even if it's just for one night.

Tonight...tonight I don't see him.

I awake in the dark, not knowing where I am. Finding myself in strange surroundings I fling myself out of bed and tear the door open. The hallway is black and there's no light anywhere. I'm back in the darkness of my own mind, trapped as Jolinar speaks through my mouth, sees through my eyes. I stumble along, searching for a way out. Somehow I end up back in the living room. The last glowing embers of the fire cast a weak light...but it's all I need. With trembling fingers I find some wood and build up the fire again. I huddle as close as I possibly can, needing the warmth. By this time I'm shivering. Despite the flames I can't seem to get warm. In the end I go back to the spare room and drag the comforter to the fireplace and that's where Jack finds me the following morning, curled up on the hearth rug.

"Sam, are you OK?" he asks me.

"Yes...I just got cold," I lie.

He doesn't look convinced. I haven't told him about the dreams, scared that he'll think I'm nuts.

"You should have woken me up," he says.

"There wasn't really any need, besides I got to sleep right away when I got in front of the fire."

"You've been spending too many nights off world, if that's the only way you can get comfortable. Want some breakfast?"

"That'd be good...need some help?"

I scramble to my feet and Jack's jaw drops. Ooops...I'd forgotten I was only wearing his T-shirt. I think he likes the general effect...or make that my legs. Whatever, he certainly stares at them long enough. The way he's looking at me is making me blush. I can feel the heat rising in my cheeks and the longer he stares, the worse it gets.

"Breakfast," I mutter, anything to get him moving.

"Right...yeah...breakfast. I'll go...get."

He trips on his way into the kitchen and I can't help smiling to myself. There's not really any point in getting dressed yet, so I crawl back under the quilt, pulling it round me so that only my head is showing.

The fire is long dead and I wonder about lighting it again. Jack's house isn't particularly cold but there's something very comforting about real flames.

"Jack...OK if I light the fire again?" I call out to him.

"Knock yourself out," he shouts back.

I feel like a small child whose been given a box of matches as I set about burning some more wood. There's something very satisfying about setting fire to things. I throw some odd bits of paper on to the pile just for the satisfaction of seeing them burn. Maybe that's what's wrong with me...I'm a pyromaniac. Well, Dad always said I had destructive tendencies. Thinking of Dad I wonder how he's doing. I called him yesterday so I'd better not try again today. He just thinks I'm interfering if I phone or try to see him too often. It's not easy watching a parent die. I've lived through it once, and I'm not relishing the thought of going through it all again. I just wish I could have told him what I really do. That would have made him just a little bit proud of me. He said that he'll be around for a while yet...I just hope his words turn out to be true....or was he just trying to reassure his little girl?

I'm still huddled in my quilt when Jack comes back with coffee. He laughs at me, making some crack about promising not to stare at my legs again if I come out. I just stick my tongue out at him. Considering that he's wandering around in boxers and a scrappy T-shirt he shouldn't complain. Jack has a very nice body...even if he does tend to hide it under baggy clothes most of the time. He holds the coffee mug just out of my reach, trying to tempt me out.

"Jack!" I complain.

"If you're not going to come out, then I might just have to come in," he teases.

Knowing that he'll probably make good on that promise, I move enough of my upper body to capture the mug and disappear again.

"That doesn't count," he tells me.

Next thing I know he's managed to burrow his way in beside me...without spilling his coffee or mine. What can I say? This man has talent.

"Told you," he grins.

But I don't really care, in fact, as I lay my head on his shoulder, I realise that this is what has been missing from my life for a long, long time. Maybe it's the memories of the blue eyed man that has made me long to experience this kind of closeness again.

I don't know who turns first, but the next thing I feel is his lips as they softly press against mine. He must have put his coffee down, because he removes the mug from my hands, freeing them to slide around his shoulders and pull him closer. I feel safe with Jack. Safe enough, that I let him push me backwards as he lowers his weight onto me. Moving my hands, I let my fingers twine in his hair. God, I've wanted to do this for so long...smooth the strands that stick up all of the time, grey brown threads that have been turned golden in the light of the fire. It's softer than I expected, silky almost....

His tongue brushes lightly against my lips, and I slowly open my mouth, granting him the access he desires. It's slow, sensual, soft...he's not going to hurry me...or hurt me. I become bolder in my explorations, slipping my hands down his back, under his T-shirt, revelling in the feel of his naked skin. He wriggles out of his shirt, realising that I want to touch more of him. His lips leave mine for the briefest moment and I feel bereft without them. I'm kissing him all the more hungrily when they return.

For a second he draws back, looking at me with wonder deep in his brown eyes. Those eyes seem softer, not as harsh as they used to be. I part my lips, wanting to speak, but he places a finger over them. He's right, I do think to much. When I smile I think I see a little relief in his features. Did he really think that I wouldn't welcome this? He pulls back a little further, just enough so he can pull the shirt over my head. For a few seconds I can't meet his eyes, but at his sharp intake of breath I know that everything is going to be fine.

"God Sam...." his voice is a little husky, "you're beautiful."

I smile shyly at him, I don't think anyone has ever called me that before. At school I was always the tall skinny kid....not much to look at. Guess I finally grew out of that stage. 'bout damn time. Tired of waiting, I curl my arm around his neck and pull him back towards me. Afterwards we lie dozing together. Our body's basking in the warmth of the fire and the afterglow. Every so often Jack shifts his position, finding a new way to hold me close. This man has totally surprised me. I've never felt so loved...so wanted.

I think we would have stayed there all day if a sharp knock at the door hadn't interrupted our happy daze.

"Jack, you there?" Kowalski's voice shouts from outside.

"Crap," Jack swears, scrambling to his feet and then into his clothes.

I wrap the quilt around myself and make a dash for the bathroom. It's not that I'm ashamed of what just happened. I just don't want it spread around the base just yet, especially by Charlie 'mouth the size of the Jersey Tunnel' Kowalski. Luckily, my car isn't in the driveway and neither myself or Jack told the others we were seeing each other last night.

"Sorry, Charlie, the fishing trip's off," Jack says as he opens the front door.

Kowalski must have seen something in Jack's face because the next thing I hear is,

"You got laid last night!"

"What?What are you talking about Kowalski?"

"I know that look. Jesus Jack what the hell were you thinking? You've got a good thing going with Major Carter. Don't screw it up by sleeping with some woman you picked up in a bar. Sam's the best thing that ever happened to you... smart, beautiful, sexy as hell...."

"I'm well aware of Sam's attributes."

"Then why the hell are you screwing around?"

This is actually funny, but I can't let poor Jack stand there and take all this abuse. There's a robe hanging on the back of the bathroom door, so I put it on and walk into the hallway. Charlie's eyes nearly stand out.

"Satisfied?" Jack grins.

"Major....nice....nice to see you," Charlie stammers.

I match Jack's smile with one of my own as I take his hand and start leading him away. I don't even have to say anything.

"Close the door on the way out," Jack shouts over his shoulder as I pull him into the bathroom. I think a nice, long shower will be just what the doctor ordered.

* * *

"This must be what it feels like to be schizophrenic."

"What is schizophrenic?"

I glance up at the man who is sitting beside me, not realising that I've spoken my thoughts out loud. He's looking at me, obviously confused by my statement. Taking a deep breath, I attempt to explain,

"It's a mental illness humans have. It's like a split personality. Two people in one brain. I mean there's me, Samantha Carter and then there's this leftover part of Jolinar that feels things like..."

"Like?" he questions.

"Like some pretty deep feelings for you."

He smiles at me, pleased by my revelation.

"Jolinar's left this imprint on your mind?"

"Yes."

"I'm sorry if it makes you uncomfortable."

"No it's just...What you had...you and Jolinar... You were in love longer than I've been alive...Hell longer than I will be alive!"

"She left this feeling with you? You can feel how she felt for me?"

"Yes...And it's confusing the hell out of me."

"Why?"

His question is a simple one, but I pause before I answer it. How can I explain to him that I also have some pretty deep feelings for someone else? A man who's several hundred light years from here...who has a cute grin and hair that just won't lie straight. Could I be more confused? I don't know if I love Jack...not yet. It's too soon for that. Part of me wants to say those words, but the rest of me holds back.

"Because it's not just in my mind like a memory. I feel it, like I've had this relationship with you for a hundred years. I don't know if I can describe it with words. What Jolinar felt for you I...I don't even think I'm capable of comprehending," I answer.

How can I? The longest relationship I had lasted two years and ended in a broken engagement. Jack and I have only been...what's the word?...Lovers, I guess...for a couple of weeks. Considering the fact we started out as bitter enemies we're taking things slowly. Could I stay with him forever? It's far too early to say.

"Maybe there's another was you can communicate it. Perhaps in a way...other than words."

He reaches out towards me...and my fingers tangle with his. It's hard to believe how far you can get with just a dream. I'm sitting in a desert, on a hill overlooking a Stargate and a man named Martouf is holding my hand.

The second I saw him, I knew who he was. I'd been seeing his face for months in those damn dreams. Martouf...Jolinar's lover. I look into his eyes and my mind is awash with emotions, I know they're not mine, but I can't stop myself responding to them. At this point Jolinar would have kissed him...but I can't do that...I have Jack to think of.

"Major Carter?"

My gaze is torn from Martouf's by the sound of Ferretti's voice. I pull my hand free and scramble to my feet. Suddenly, I feel incredibly guilty.

"Yes?" I answer, regaining a measure of my composure.

"The council wants to see us. I think they've reached a decision."

Ferretti is looking at me as if he doesn't like what he's just witnessed. In my heart I can't blame him. From his perspective, he's just seen his best friend's girl with another man. He doesn't say anything to my face. Ferretti is too well trained for that. God I hope this doesn't get back to Jack.

We meet with the council, for all the good it does. They want a host and none of us are willing to be blended. Imagine what it would be like with me, Jolinar and another Tok'ra in my brain. I think it would explode. The situation isn't helped by the appearance of another SG team. But I can't help the fact that my stomach does a little flip when I see Jack.

They've come to take me home...my father is dying. The Tok'ra won't let us go. I don't know what that does to me. I shrink away from all my friends and cram myself into the smallest corner I can find. Dad is dying. Even Jack leaves me alone. He watches me from across the room, ready to come to my side and draw me into his arms...if I want him to.

I don't want my Dad to die. I want him to live...and I know that's what he wants too.

"Jack, did anyone tell you how far along my father is?" I ask, the germ of an idea percolating through my brain.

"No, I was only told to get you back as soon as possible," he replies.

"He doesn't even know why I'm not there for him. He thinks I'm off working on some damn satellite dish."

For a second my emotions threaten to overflow, Jack takes a protective step towards me, but I can't accept the comfort he offers...not while we're on duty. I guess in situations like this, he is the ranking officer.

"We're gonna get you back there, Sam," he reassures me. "The good news is, there's eight of us now..."

"That's Good news ?" Daniel interrupts.

"Yes, more manpower."

"Is this another one of your strange jokes, O'Neill?" Teal'c asks.

"Uh...no"

"It would be impossible. There is only one way out, via the rings. We would then have to elude hundreds of Tok'ra. "

"I, for one don't want to hurt any of them," I object.

Why does Jack always pick the military option? Sometimes he is nothing more than a product of his training.

"Look, I'm not too thrilled about hurting anyone either. But keep in mind these people wanna make you a host! And as I recall you said that whole Jolinar-Goa'uld in the head deal was one of the worst things that ever happened to you!"

He's trying to be understanding, but all he's managing to do is frustrate me even further. I disclosed that fact to him during a very intimate conversation, I didn't expect him to bring it up in front of everyone.

"That was before I understood it better. If I wasn't fighting her....and I knew what it meant for Jolinar to be a Tok'ra, It might have been...I don't know...enlightening."

For some reason I'm thinking of Martouf again. How can I do that when the man I profess to care for is standing right in front of me? Something in the conversation I had with Jolinar's lover has touched me deeply. I like the idea of a love that can last for all time.

"I need to see Garshaw!" I announce, sending the nearest Tok'ra guard to fetch her.

"What?" Daniel questions.

"What is the one thing they need the most?"

"Well, hosts...which we can't give them."

Garshaw appears with the minimal of waiting. She must have been close by hoping one of us would change their mind. Martouf comes with her and I can't help myself responding to his presence...I feel myself blush at some of the memories his presence precipitates. I really hope Jack doesn't notice how much this man has got me off balance.

"What is it?" Garshaw demands.

"You said that a symbiote can cure most problems in a human?" I ask.

"Yes."

"Does that include Cancer?"

In the corner of my vision I see Jack turn towards us. He knows what's on my mind. Martouf and Garshaw share a puzzled look.

"What is cancer?" Martouf asks.

"It's a disease in humans where the cells grow out of control. You get tumours," I explain, thinking that perhaps they know it by another name.

"Oh, yes, it's a common ailment amongst your species. We cure it all the time. It's of no problem," Garshaw says.

I take a deep breath and turn back to Jack,

"I think we should at least try to offer it to my dad."

He nods. After all, we have nothing to lose and it might just get us out of here...It might just save my dad's life. Jack doesn't even try to argue with me and I appreciate that.

"We might have a host for you," Jack says.

"You nave a host for Selmak?" Garshaw replies.

"Yes, my father. He's got cancer and if Selmak can save his life, I think he'd be willing to try it, " I explain.

"But you have to let us go back ," Jack adds.

"I will let two of you go, but the rest will remain to ensure that you return," Garshaw decides.

Which is better than nothing. Now all we have to do is persuade General Hammond.

* * *

The first time Dad's eyes glowed, it was the weirdest experience of my life. I had to fight down the feelings of fear and revulsion. I know we made the right call, even so, this is going to take a certain amount of getting used to. Martouf and Garshaw can't stay long. The rest of the Tok'ra are in danger and they need to leave as soon as possible. Dad will go with them...I'm not quite sure how I feel about that. It's bad enough we've spent most of our lives in different parts of the globe...never mind completely different planets.

They want to put the co-ordinates into the gate computer themselves...for security purposes....I can understand that, but I can see that Jack is none too impressed by their lack of trust. That annoys me for some reason. Must be something to do with Jolinar. General Hammond sends me with Martouf to dial up the gate. The Tok'ra places a hand on the small of my back, indicating that I should precede him. I can almost feel the hostility emanating from Jack. Surely he's not going to lose it over a simple gesture?

Martouf is impressed by the set up we have developed and by the fact that I did so much work on the system. I admit I'm flattered by the attention. Not very many people here seem to appreciate how much effort went into getting the Stargate operational. Everyone thinks Daniel Jackson came in here one day and got it to work. All he did was identify that seventh symbol...which I'm sure we would have done given time.

"Samantha," Martouf stops me as we return to the Gateroom.

"Yes?" I ask.

He looks into my eyes, "I hope we will see each other again."

"I hope so too."

I can't help smiling at him. Learning more about Jolinar is appealing and there's a great deal I want to find out about these people. Martouf takes my hand, and again I feel the thrill of familiarity. I guess the Tok'ra must be used to their lovers changing bodies.

"You are very beautiful," he tells me.

That's the second time he's said that. What does this man want from me? Before I have time to speak, to breathe, his lips make contact with mine. Some other part of my mind takes over and I find myself responding. He's touching me in a way no one else can...not even Jack...Jack...Oh my God! I forgot all about Jack. I tear myself away from Martouf, but it's too late. There's someone watching us...Someone who'd come up from the Gateroom, just to see what had been keeping us so long.

"Jack...Jack it's not what you think," I say.

"Yes it is," he returns.

"Samantha?" Martouf questions.

He doesn't understand. How could he? I never mentioned a word about Jack.

"If you're about ready to go," Jack makes it clear that he wants Martouf out of here.

OK, maybe it'll be OK. He hasn't freaked out on me. Maybe Jack knows that it was a mistake. It wasn't me kissing Martouf...not exactly, not remotely....

We see the Tok'ra safely away. I say goodbye to Dad and still Jack hasn't said anything. He's making me nervous. I expected some kind of reaction. Or maybe he's just waiting until we're alone. I really, really hope I haven't screwed this up.

He leaves the Gateroom without even looking at me.

"Jack...Jack...!" I call after him.

"Don't!" he snaps.

"At least let me explain."

"Ferretti said you and Marty looked pretty friendly. I didn't believe him until I saw the two of you playing tonsil hockey back there."

Damn Ferretti...I'll kill him...I swear.

"He was Jolinar's lover," I explain.

"So you thought you'd just grab a taste of it. More research, Major?"

"It wasn't like that."

"So what was it like? Enjoy it, did you?"

"No!"

"Decided to go for a little comparison, did we? Was he better than me? Or do you want to go back...just to make sure?"

"Will you just listen!"

"There is nothing you can possibly say to me...."

"Jack!"

He's walking away. I shout after him, but he doesn't even turn his head.

What have I done?

What have I done?


	5. Timesteps

"Jack O'Neill is a bastard....owww!"

Isn't this where I started?

"Hold still," Janet warns me as she puts another stitch in my hand. I bite my lip and I watch her do it. The wound isn't serious, just a deep scratch from where I caught myself on a piece of metal. At the time I hardly noticed, I was too interested in the alien technology we found. It was only when Ferretti pointed out that I had blood streaming down onto my pants that I realised what had happened. We tried to clean it up, but it was obvious that I was going to need stitches. So we had to come back....all because I hadn't been paying enough attention.

"All done," she says, placing some strips of bandage over the wound.

"Janet?"

"Yes?"

"What the hell am I going to do?"

I don't think she has much sympathy for me and I can't really blame her. No one here does. Let's face it, I was the one who screwed everything up. Jack won't even try to talk...I think I preferred it when he was insulting me. At least he was taking some kind of notice. I miss him more than I would have thought possible....and the rest of SG1. It's not that they go out of their way to avoid me. We're always perfectly professional, but the camaraderie has gone.

"Are you coming to O'Malley's tonight?" she asks.

"No, better not," I reply.

Janet just shrugs her shoulders, not even making an attempt to talk me into going out. Maybe I should ...but then Jack would probably walk out. Let's face facts, there were his friends when we started this and he got to keep them at the finish. Nope, it's an evening in with the cat and a bottle of wine...oh joy!

"Sam...," Janet begins.

"Yes?"

"You can't go on like this....you do realise that, don't you? If that scratch is anything to go by, your argument with Jack is affecting your work."

"I.....I really liked him, Janet."

"I know. We all do. Which is why you have to get your life back in order. Look, what do you say we have a girl's night out...say Friday?"

I know she'll lecture me, but I don't care. I'm at the point where I'm craving human contact.

"That'd be fun...thanks."

Martouf paid us a visit a couple of weeks back and it was the closest Jack's been to me since we split. The second Martouf walked down the ramp, Jack was right there behind me, like some guard dog. I thought maybe it was a sign he was weakening. No such luck...he still shut me out. He doesn't want me, but it looks like he's not going to let anyone else close. I only had the chance to speak to Martouf briefly... luckily Daniel interrupted us before matters got out of hand.

I don't think Dad's very impressed with me either. He didn't say anything, but he didn't have to. I got the feeling he liked Jack...about the only guy I've ever dated that my father has actually approved of.

The stuff I left behind at Jack's house has been duly returned. Turned up on my doorstep, no note, nothing. He didn't even ring the bell. I'd like to return all the things he gave me but I can't. I cling to them, because they're the only part of him I have left. It's not even the sex I miss. I can live with out the intimacy...I want his friendship back.

Speak of the devil. The object of my ruminations walks into the infirmary. SG1 must have just got back from their latest mission. Jack stares at me. For a second I see the mask slip, but he soon tears himself away and resumes his front of indifference. I guess he wasn't expecting to see me here. SG2 were supposed to be off-world for another two days. General Hammond has arranged the rota to make sure our respective teams are rarely on base together for extended periods of time.

"Something I can do for you, Colonel?" Janet asks.

"Charlie's on his way down here. Took a blow to the head. He says he's OK, but I'm not too sure. Do me a favour and make sure he gets some rest," he replies.

"Will do. I'll tie him to the bed if necessary."

"Why Doc if I'd have known you were in to that kind of stuff..."

He lets the sentence trail off suggestively and Janet giggles. Damn Jack, he's flirting with her on purpose. I don't let my face betray any emotion as I bid Janet farewell and make my way out of the infirmary. I try to hide out in my lab. ,but for some reason General Hammond comes down to find me. That's unusual...he'd normally summon me to his office.

"I heard you were injured?" he begins.

"Yes, sir," I reply, slightly confused.

He takes a long look at my hand before continuing,

"Major Kowalski has been restricted to the infirmary for the next three days. It seems his concussion was fairly serious."

"I'm sorry to hear that. Give him my best."

"I will, Major. SG1 is due out again tomorrow and I would like you to take his place."

"What? I mean why....sir?"

"There needs to be a second USAF officer to be present in case they run into hostiles. Since SG2 returned early you are available."

"But sir I don't think I'm the best about Ferretti?"

"Is there some personal reason why you can't obey my order?"

"No sir."

"Then report to the Gateroom at 0800."

"Yes, sir."

What's Hammond trying to do to me? Unless he thinks that, by forcing Jack and I to work together, we'll somehow mend our differences. It's unlikely. Jack O'Neill is the most pig head, stubborn, difficult man I've ever met...especially when someone's betrayed him. But the General has given me an order and as such I have to follow it...even if I'd rather shoot myself in the head.

I think I'll stay here tonight. It'll be safer. If I leave the base I'll be tempted to go AWOL. There's plenty of stuff for me to work on and it might take my mind off Jack. With any luck he'll object so violently to my assignment that the General will relent and let me stay. If we're going into a potentially hostile situation we need to be able to work together and I don't think we can do that at the moment.

* * *

This is all my fault.

I must have screwed up the calculations somehow...entered the wrong figures into the computer....

I don't know how we managed to get stuck in 1969 but it's my job to get us all home again. Why the hell couldn't have General Hammond have been more explicit in his note? A couple of dates isn't going to get us very far even if we do manage to find the Stargate. At least I know why he was so insistent that I went with SG1. He couldn't afford to let anyone else go....even if Jack and I kill each other in the process.

Speaking of whom... He's gone back to insulting me. Which is great. Wonderful. I'm trying to tell him important stuff about changing the timeline and he's using it as an excuse to make me look stupid. Way to be professional Jack. Then again if we alter history, maybe he won't exist and that would solve so many of my problems.

We've been on the road for a couple of days now. The bus isn't big enough to sleep all of us, so we've been camping outside, round the fire just as if we were off-world. Ironically, I guess this is the farthest from home we're ever going to get.

As might be expected, I can't sleep. I'm lying there with my eyes shut, running calculations through my head...still unable to find anything wrong My concentration is so complete that I barely feel someone place a second blanket over me and tuck it around my body. I lay absolutely still, scared to open my eyes and break the spell. The next thing I feel is a hand brushing hair off my forehead. It's Jack. Even if I didn't recognise his touch, I can smell the leather of his jacket. Trust him to pick that particular outfit...although I must admit he looks pretty hot in it.

"Jack?" Daniel's quiet voice interrupts the moment.

"What?" Jack whispers back.

"I was going to ask you the same question."

"She looked cold."

He's acting like it's something he'd do for Daniel or Teal'c. I hear him move away, but he and Daniel continue their conversation in low tones,

"Would it help if I told you something?"

"Probably not."

"You know when Martouf last paid us a visit."

"Yeah."

"I walked in on the two of them."

"Don't want to hear this, Daniel."

"Believe me, you do."

I tense under my blankets, wondering what exactly Daniel is going to say. He only came in a the tail end of our 'conversation', he could easily have got the wrong impression.

"I don't think she likes him all that much."

"Really."

His voice is flat and expressionless, he doesn't believe Daniel...and why should he?

"Well, not Martouf per se, but Lantash. She really wasn't happy with some of the things he said," Daniel goes on

"My heart bleeds."

"He tried to apologise for Lantash, and said that he was really growing quite fond of her."

"You told me I was going to like this."

"Trust me...Sam went into this big thing about the fact that she wasn't Jolinar and they couldn't just pick up where he and Rosha left off. She was very vocal."

How long was Daniel standing outside of the door? I never realised he had heard that much. Although I admit that I was so upset half the base could have been listening in and I wouldn't have cared. If Martouf had waited a little longer to express his affection, maybe I would have been more receptive, but...

"Then Martouf mentioned you, in a not too flattering light I might add, and..."

"And?"

"Sam must have hit him."

"Really?"

Jack chuckles to himself, no doubt pleased by the image Daniel has presented. At the time I was mortified by what I'd done. I don't usually react that way. Janet was right when she said my break up with Jack was affecting my work. Let's face facts, I could have started an intergalactic incident.

"She was just apologising to him when I walked in," Daniel continues. "There was a red mark on his face. I think she hit him pretty hard."

"Good for her...little creep deserved it."

"So I think you can forget Sam getting together with Martouf any time soon."

"Why should that matter to me?"

"Jack...anyone with half a brain can tell that you're in love with Sam. Don't do this to yourself."

"Even if I wanted to... with Sam....I don't know if I can trust her again."

I guess that's the real problem. Jack sees life very much in black and white. He can't ever comprehend a situation where I did what I did . There was a reason why it happened and that's what everyone seems to forget. I blame Jolinar for a lot of things, but in this case...I don't know. I shift onto my back trying to find a more comfortable position and my movement stops any further conversation. A pity, I would have loved to hear what other nuggets of wisdom Daniel was going to offer. Not that I think it would have done any good, but it was sweet of him to try.

Usually, I don't have any difficulty sleeping outside. Sometimes beds are more of a problem. In the end, I just decide to get up and go for a walk. No one else seems to be awake. Jack didn't think it was necessary to stand a watch... after all we're probably pretty safe here. I move as quietly as I can, away from the bus and into the woods. There has to be a way back. General Hammond must have thought that note would mean something to me. If I wasn't so preoccupied with Jack, maybe I would have got it by now. He's right about one thing though, we'll need the Stargate, so at least we're heading in the right direction.

Another day on that damn bus. This time Daniel's driving, which frankly scares me. He tends to get easily distracted. Jack spends the time stretched out on one of the seats, seemingly immune to his colleague's erratic driving. If he had a major change of heart last night, he's not giving any sign. That is until we camp for the night. We're all sitting by the fire. I'm not really paying much attention. I'm still trying to figure out a way home. Someone pushes a mug into my hand and it takes me several seconds to realise that it's Jack.. .and he's sitting next to me. His denim covered leg is brushing against mine, distracting me for a second. I really, really have to concentrate on the fire to stop myself reacting. We're burning alot of pine wood so the flames are spitting and flaring... flaring ...flare!

"Flare!" I say out loud.

"What?" Jack asks.

"It's the only explanation. We had to have been sent back because of a solar flare."

"Was it not an error in your calculations?" Teal'c inquires.

"I don't think so, Teal'c. After the Abydos mission, when we couldn't figure out a way to make the gate work again, I was asked to research alternative applications for the gate including time travel."

"What'd you come up with?" Jack questions.

"Just this."

I pick up a stick and start to draw in the dirt. Jack looks over my shoulder, interested for once.

"What if a massive solar flare just happened to occur at the exact moment we were travelling between Earth and another Stargate? If the wormhole moved closer to the sun because of the flare's magnetic field the increased gravity could slingshot us back to Earth," I explain.

"Why haven't we tried this before?" Daniel asks.

"Because flares are impossible to predict. Light takes several minutes to travel between Earth and the sun, so by the time a flare of sufficient magnitude has been confirmed it's already too late."

"If they're impossible to predict, how do we get ourselves home?"

"August 10th 9.15 Am. It's in the note."

"That's the time and day of the next flare?" Jack adds.

"Yeah. General Hammond must have used my own research to figure out what we needed."

"Or maybe that's why he asked you to do the Research in the first place. "

"And then he looked up two flares in August of 1969 that could send us home."

"General Hammond you old son of a... So Carter, do you think you could get us back by Friday?"

"Why's that?"

"Date night."

"Really?"

I can't help sounding a little coy. Thank you, Daniel! I wonder where he's going to take me?

"Yeah, Janet's set me up with a friend of hers. I'd hate to miss it," Jack finishes.

My heart gives an unsteady thump. Jack's going to see someone else and he just couldn't resist twisting the knife, could he? Bastard.

"No, we wouldn't want you to miss that," I say, weakly.

I will not let him see how much he has just hurt me...I will not...

* * *

We got back by Friday.

I'm getting ready to go and meet Janet while Jack, no doubt is slavering with the anticipation at the thought of his date. I really hope it isn't anyone who works on the base, I don't think I could take that. Imagine if I saw them together...I don't know what I'd do. Well actually, to be honest, I'd probably just walk away. I have to stop thinking like this. I've lost Jack, that's all there is to it.

Janet's taking me to an expensive restaurant so we can drown our sorrows in good food and good wine. That in mind I dispense with my usual jeans and dig a dress out of my closet. A little black number...might as well be prepared, just in case we do happen to meet men. It's been a while since I've worn it, but it still fits me. I apply a little make-up and consider myself ready to meet the world. Jack O'Neill you don't know what you missed. I'm dressed to kill and I'm not that fussed as to who I take down with me.

The restaurant is on the opposite side of town, and I arrive a little early. I get shown to our table and sit and wait for Janet, browsing the menu. It really is an expensive place. I hope Janet was serious when she said she'd cover the bill. She's later than I expected her to be. I'm praying she hasn't got caught at the base, I hate having dinner alone. Feeling somewhat annoyed I find myself glancing over at the door for what seems like the hundredth time. Someone's just come in, but it isn't Janet. I hide my face in my menu. What the hell is he doing here? I can't believe fate would be so unkind as to have him bring his date here. This doesn't seem like his kind of place.

Come on Janet, don't let me have to face him alone. I wonder where his date is? There doesn't seem to be anyone else here on their own. Wait a second...there's a red head over by the window. That must be her. Good looking, super-model thin... Damn. I'd like to hope that I was smarter, but if she's a friend of Janet's she probably has a brain. I resolutely turn away. Even if Janet doesn't turn up, I'm going to eat my dinner, and then leave. I'm going to be the one who acts like a civilised adult. I wonder what he'll think of this dress?

I go back to studying my menu. Janet's still going to pay me for this, so I'm going to find the most expensive dish on the menu...ugg...no way am I eating that....OK make that the second most expensive.

"Uh, hi...sorry I'm late," a voice speaks to me.

It isn't Janet. I drop the menu from my face and look at the man who's taken the seat opposite me. He's actually wearing a suit. Didn't know he owned anything other than the tie that goes with his dress uniform. And he's brushed his hair.

"What the...? Carter!" he begins.

"I think we've been set up," I finish for him.

Damn you for doing this to me Janet. Just when I thought I'd got over him, you force me into this situation. I don't know what to do. There's no way I can stay here. I'm not about to give her the satisfaction.

"I should have known," he says. "Look, this wasn't my fault."

"Really? But you were eager enough to take Janet up on her offer?"

"Yeah, I was...wonder why?"

Our voices are rising and people are starting to look at us. That must have been why Janet selected this place. She thought the surroundings might quell our aggressive tendencies. No way. No way am I going to sit here and listen to this. Jack can damn well eat dinner on his own, pick up someone in a bar....I don't really care. Pushing my chair back and I grab my coat and purse.

"Sam, wait a second," Jack says.

"This is a really bad idea," I tell him.

"Did Janet tell you this was on her?"

"Yes?"

What's he planning? Jack grins at me and waves the wine list in my face,

"For a start, they serve Dom Perignon and I know how much you like good champagne."

He bought me a bottle once, on my birthday. We drank it in bed.

"Are you suggesting...?" I start.

"That we give Janet a restaurant bill she's gong to remember for a long time."

His mood is infectious and I can't stop myself giggling a little. It would almost be worth it just to see the look on Janet's face.

"So what do you say? Start off with a little smoked salmon, caviar..."

"Ick!"

"OK, no caviar..."

Very slowly, I find myself sitting down. Jack calls the waiter over and orders a bottle of champagne. Considering the fact that Janet's paying...it tastes really, really good.


	6. Six Steps

If this had been in the movies, Jack and I would have kissed and made up. I must admit it was the thought of the making up part that made me agree to stay in the restaurant and not storm off home... which would have been well within my rights. However, not content with setting us up our so-called friends decided that they suddenly wanted to be voyeurs. None of them know the meaning of subtlety.

When Jack and I came out of the restaurant, there was Daniel's car parked right outside. I just knocked on the window and handed the bill to Janet. Then Jack and I went our separate ways, barely managing to say goodnight. If they hadn't been there I think he might have...what? Shaken my hand? Dinner had been a little awkward. We only started to relax after a couple of glasses of champagne. Even then there was a tension between us, that I can't really explain. We kept our discussions neutral and neither of us mentioned Martouf.

Perhaps we would have been better off shouting at each other...at least we might have got our feelings out in the open, instead of bottling them all up inside... but we probably would have ended up trashing the restaurant, and I doubt Janet would have been willing to bail us out of jail.

So here I am. Walking home through the snow covered streets with an armful of groceries. Going back to my empty apartment. It's damn cold out, the wind is cutting into my face and hands. I guess I should have put on gloves and a scarf. The grocery store isn't far, but I didn't think it was possible to get this cold in such a short space of time. That's one of the reason's Dad's always thought that I needed someone to look after me. I don't know when it's time to come in out of the snow.

Not much further now. Why do I always go to the store meaning to buy bread and come back with everything but? I don't think there is anything of any real food value in these bags, and it weighs about a ton. I hate grocery shopping. Most of the time I eat at the base. At least then I only have to decide between a few items and I don't have to deal with my atrocious cooking. OK, it's not that bad. There are a few things I can cook really well... at least Jack said I could but I think he was more interested in dessert if you know what I mean. Why did I have to think about that? The image of Jack and whipped cream was not one I wanted right now.

I pause on the sidewalk, opposite my apartment building, ready to cross the road. There seems to be more traffic than usual. I guess people are trying to get home before the next load of snow falls. From the look of the sky, it won't be that long now. It'll be nice to watch it...once I'm back in the warm. Hurrying across the road, I fail to see the two people who are standing in front of the entrance. My head is bent downwards to give me some protection from the wind and I walk right into one of them.

"Sorry," I apologise, and go to move past.

Out of reflex I glance up, right into Jack's face. It isn't him I walked into....I collided with a blonde woman, but my surprise is such that I hardly notice her.

"Jack?" I question.

What the hell is he doing here? And who the hell is she?

"Sam," he acknowledges, sounding a little uncomfortable. Caught you, didn't I? How does it feel?

We stare at each other and I offer him a nervous smile. I think we've both forgotten that there's someone else standing with us. She soon makes her presence felt, however. She gives a non-discreet cough which shakes both of out of our staring match.

"Uh....Sara..this is Sam Carter," he says.

Sara? Not ex-wife Sara? Oh please, don't tell me he's back with her. I know they must have loved each other once, but surely not now. I didn't even know that they still saw each other...then again Jack never does say much. He never really talked to me about her.

"The Sam?" Sara questions.

"Uh... yeah," Jack replies.

"You're younger than I expected."

There's not much I can say to that. I shift nervously from foot to foot as she looks me up and down. Somehow I get the feeling that Jack told her we were together but never mentioned the break-up. Which kind of explains her attitude, and the fact she's looking at me as if I'm a speck of dirt.

I reprimand myself for thinking such uncharitable thoughts. These two people lost their son. I can see their shared grief in the way that glance at each other... scared, half-longing looks. If Sara doesn't like me... well, she has every right not to.

"So any thoughts of wedding bells?" Sara goes on.

I'm so shocked, one of my grocery bags slips from my hand. It's only Jack's sharp reflexes that stops a bottle of wine smashing on the sidewalk. He really should explain to her, but all he does is shake his head no.

"Um....actually Sara," I begin.

"Of course, I'm interrupting," she cuts me off. "You two obviously have plans. I'll see you around Jack."

"Yeah, look after yourself," he replies.

"Nice to meet you, Sam."

This conversation is getting more confusing by the second. Jack happened to run into his ex-wife outside my apartment? In that case what was he doing here? There's something almost wistful about his expression as he watches her walk away. He still wants her, I can tell. The very thought brings tears to my eyes, but I'm strong enough not to let Jack see.

"I should," he gestures down the street, in the same direction Sara has taken.

"Unless you want to come up for a while?" I suggest.

"Can't, I have to get back to base. "

"Oh."

"Yeah, SG1 has a mission scheduled at 2200."

"Another time."

"Maybe."

One of us has to go or we'll be standing in the snow for the rest of the night. It's me who makes the move. I take my bag from him and walk into the building.

I take the stairs very slowly. Part of me wants to run back down and stop him from leaving, but there's no way I'm going to do that. Besides SG1 has a mission...at least I'm assuming that he was telling the truth about that. He could have just been finding an excuse to get away from me and back to Sara.

The lights of my apartment are on as I stumble inside. I'm glad I thought to leave them when I went out, it makes finding the kitchen alot easier. Wait a second... I didn't leave the lights on. Rushing back into the living room, I take a quick look round. TV's still here, VCR, DVD player... OK so I haven't been robbed, but... Lying on the coffee table is a bouquet of red roses. There's a card beside them that reads; Jack.

That's all it says. I know he's usually a man of few words but....I can't help smiling. Jack bought me flowers, red roses no less. No one's ever done that for me before...I have to call Janet....no....hold that thought ...I have to call Jack. He won't have got to the base yet, I should be able to catch him on his cell phone. To my annoyance, he doesn't answer and I get switched through to his voice mail.

"Hey, Jack," I reply to his message, "thanks for the flowers, they're beautiful. Call me when you get back...."

I want to say something else, something a little more personal. My mind refuses to form words, so I hang up and go and spend some time with my flowers.

* * *

I find myself hanging behind as the briefing room empties, using the opportunity to adjust my underwear. This was a bad choice. Sexy doesn't go well under fatigues. I feel like it's cutting me in half...damn butt floss. Jack had better appreciate this when he gets back. Maybe I'm jumping the gun a little, but I want to be prepared....those flowers had to mean something. I push up my push up bra a little and make my way down to the Gateroom. SG1 are due back any second and I want to be the first person Jack sees. I want to be able to smile at him and see his face light up.

When I got here, I let myself into his quarters and set a few things up. Some of Teal'c candles for one, a bottle of wine, and a single red rose on the pillow. Cheyenne Mountain may not be the most romantic location, but SG2 are due out early tomorrow morning, so we won't have time for anywhere else. I stand there in the Gateroom and wait...and wait...and wait. Eventually, General Hammond gently tells me that I should be somewhere else. His way of saying that something is wrong.

I retreat to Jack's quarters and calmly strip it of all the trappings of romance. When the area is bare, I return to my own room. Damn, but this underwear is killing me. I don't think it was ever meant to be worn this long, but that wasn't the point of this exercise. I free myself of my constricting garments and return to my sensible, boring attire. It's not going to turn anyone on, but I don't care anymore. I curl up on my bed and hug my pillow close. Jack and I made love here once. We had this rule about not doing it on the base, which lasted all of about two days. Both of us spend so much time here that we couldn't really help ourselves. What General Hammond didn't know wouldn't hurt him....and the walls here are pretty thick.

Jack has to come back...he just has to.

Sleeping was the best thing I could have done under the circumstances and I crashed out for ten hours straight. In fact, the next thing I knew was Janet waking me up.

"Janet?" I question, thinking that maybe she has some news.

"Nothing yet...I thought I'd better wake you up. SG2 is due out in half an hour."

I drag my hands through my hair and across my face. Going off-world is the last thing I want to do right now, but duty calls.

"You'll recall us if there's any news?" I ask her.

"Girls scout's honour," she answers.

I don't want to leave the base, but I don't have a good reason to stay. Ferretti tells me that SG3 and SG5 went out after SG1. I guess Hammond couldn't trust SG2 to remain objective about the situation. Let's face it, we would have torn the whole planet apart looking for them. Colonel Makepeace knows better than that.

They found Teal'c by the Stargate, but no sign of the rest of SG1. He's still out cold in the infirmary and won't be telling us anything for a while. Teal'c's really sick. Worse than he's ever been before. Janet doesn't know if he's going to pull through. Not even his symbiote seems to be able to heal him. If Teal'c's this bad what does it mean for the rest of them...for Jack? This can't be happening. SG1 always comes home. It's part of what makes them...well...SG1. Jack's team is the best, everyone knows that. They can't just die. Jack can't die...he sent me flowers.

After my mission is over, when I finally get home, the roses are sitting in a vase, mocking me. Damn, why couldn't he have given them to me one day earlier. I know what they mean now....Jack has forgiven me and it's too late. Those are words I never expected to hear myself say. We should have clung onto every moment we had...I should have made him come back to me.

Oh God! What the hell am I going to do?

I curl myself up on the couch and give myself over to grief. Tears are meant to be cleansing, aren't they? Shouldn't I feel better after crying my eyes out for three solid hours? In the end I go to bed, there's really nothing else I can do. I'm still a major, I still lead SG2...I have that much to console me. My life has to go on...even if Jack can no longer be a part of it.

* * *

SG2 are off to pay a visit to the Tok'ra, not that I really feel like going. Each time I step through that gate I feel like I'm going to miss something... some sign that SG1 are still alive. But I especially requested this mission so I could see Dad, so it wouldn't look good if I made excuses. Actually, a good long talk with my father is probably just what I need. No doubt he'll have some sound, pithy advice for me. Something along the lines of don't fall in love with your colleagues...it could have been worse...Jack could have been my commanding officer.

We're not going to meet them on their home planet. Despite Dad, the Tok'ra still don't trust us enough to let us know where they're based. The world we travel to is like most of the others; covered with trees and wet. The Goa'uld have very little imagination when it comes to terra-forming their worlds. We sit in the rain for five hours before the Tok'ra deign to join us. I don't know what information they have, but it had better be good. None of us is in the best of moods right now. We want to be back at base, joining in the search for SG1.

"Hey Dad," I say as he finally makes an appearance. There are a couple of others with him, but they take up position by the Gate, guarding our retreat.

"Sam?" Dad questions me.

"You tell me, you were the ones who asked for this meeting," I joke.

"OK, have it your way, business first."

No, I didn't fool him for a second. Since he's been blended with Selmak Dad has got way too perceptive for his own good. At the best I've only managed to forestall the inevitable conversation.

"So, what do you have for us?" I go on.

But before Dad can open his mouth, the gate springs into life again. We all dive for the tree line, taking cover as best we can. As it turns out our precautions aren't necessary. Our visitor turns out to be Martouf. Dad goes to meet him, but I find myself hanging back a little. He is probably the last person I want to see. Jolinar's memories are under better control now, but I can't stop myself feeling something every time I see him.

"Sam," Dad beckons me over and I go with bad grace. Ferretti comes with me, hovering on my shoulder like some kind of khaki angel.

"What is it?" I ask.

If Dad notices my coldness towards Martouf, he doesn't comment.

"I have information, regarding SG1," Martouf says.

"What? Where are they?" Ferretti demands. "Are they hurt?"

"It's Hathor."

Bitch queen from hell Hathor? Damn. Last time we saw here she practically took over the base.

"So what can you tell us?" I ask.

Martouf has everything we could possibly need, Stargate address, a plan of Hathor's base. It turns out that the Tok'ra have an operative under cover and who just sent word. When he heard, the first thing Martouf did was come to find me. I wonder if Jack could be that generous if it had been the other way around? Dad called the meeting because of Hathor's return to power, but I never figured it would have such personal consequences.

We leave as soon as we can. I start running through the Stargate and don't stop when I get to the other side. Everyone stares as I dash out of the Gateroom and straight up to General Hammond's office. There's some guy from the Pentagon deep in conversation with the General, but I don't even wait to knock.

"Sir...sir...it's SG1..." I pant.

"What is it, Major?" he demands.

"We may have found them."

* * *

Well, we found Daniel and Kowalski easily enough, but Jack...Jack....

Colonel Makepeace ordered us to move out, saying that we couldn't afford to go back for Jack. For the first time in my military career I'm tempted not to obey orders. If this had been my mission... but it's not and I find myself unwillingly following Makepeace out of the complex. He's right, Jack is a Goa'uld now. There's nothing that we can do for him, however much I hate myself for leaving him. If I go back, we'll be risking everything and one man just isn't worth it or so people like Makepeace would have us believe.

Daniel looks pretty out of it. Not surprising, given what happened last time he met Hathor. He doesn't talk about that. At least he's never mentioned it to me. Not that I blame him. I hope he's going to be OK. Charlie's watching out for him. I guess someone has to.

It's dark when we get back to the surface. The Stargate lies before us, unguarded. We know it's probably a trap, but we have no choice. It's our only way home. General Hammond tried to get in touch with the Tok'ra and persuade them to give us some back up. They must have refused, because there's no one here but us. I see Makepeace give the signal and we run for it. I'm not really surprised that we don't make it. There are men dropping to my right and left as we try to get back to the tree line. Weapons towers erupt from the very earth and start blasting chunks out of the ground.

Daniel gets shot, I see him go down and Kowalski helps him up...

Ironically, it's one of the big guns that provides our means of escape. By accident or some divine intervention, one of the blasts opens up a Tok'ra tunnel. Not all of us reach it. I'm hoping the rest got to the trees and are hiding out in the woods. We flee through the tunnels, only to run into the forcefield again. Literally in Makepeace's case. It's only as I reach out to touch it that I start to realise how I can go back for Jack. We're still exploring the tunnels when we get a message through from General Hammond. He's going to send reinforcements in six hours. The energy barrier is our real problem.

We have to get through this thing or we not going to get home... and it has to be powered from somewhere inside the complex.

Next thing I know, I'm on my way back. Daniel and Charlie wanted to come with me, but Daniel's hurt and Charlie wouldn't know a shield generator if it leapt up and bit him. At the risk of sounding melodramatic...this I must do alone.

I find my way into the base. From what Charlie and Daniel have told me, I know that Jack was being held in one of the SGC areas. They've given me pretty good directions and I can only hope he's still there. He wouldn't have succumbed easily, I know that much, but I'm scared about what I might find. At least I'll know if he's a Goa'uld, I can thank Jolinar for that.

When I reach the room in question, there's no sign of Jack. It's cold...probably due to the pit of liquid nitrogen that appears to be the main feature. The only occupant of the room is slumped on the floor. Cautiously, I cross over to her.

"Forgive me," she says, "there was no other way."

"You're the Tok'ra?" I ask.

She nods, then points to a console, "The controls are set, activate them."

I do as she asks. Some mechanism grinds into life and something that looks suspiciously like a coffin is winched up from the pit in the floor.

"The goa'uld within is gone," she tells me. "The freezing process would have destroyed it, before it had a chance to meld with the host. He will revive automatically."

Her head slumps to one side as she loses consciousness. There really isn't anything I can do for her, so I cross to the 'coffin' and activate the controls to slide off the lid. Sure enough Jack is inside. God, he looks terrible. His shirt is torn... what else has Hathor done to him? I can't stand the thought of Jack being used in the way Daniel was. I know he wouldn't submit willingly.

I reach out and cup his face in my hands, trying to sense the Goa'uld within. There's nothing. No trace of Naquedah. I breath a silent prayer, dropping a kiss onto his forehead.

"I don't feel it's presence. You're going to be OK," I say. Although whether he can actually hear me is debatable.

I undo the straps that are holding him down a move around to the other side of him. In my haste to free Jack, I let my guard drop. Hathor is standing there, her hand device trained on me.

"We had hopes for you," she spits.

But I'm in too much pain to care. My whole brain is on fire. I'm trying to fight it, but there's nothing I can do... I'm driven to my knees, struggling every inch of the way.

I must have blacked out for a second, because the next thing I feel is a pair of hands pulling me upright.

"Sam?" Jack asks.

"What happened?"

"Oh God baby, I thought..."

But the only word I hear is baby...He pulls me into his arms, holding me as close as he's ever done. His skin is icy cold to the touch and I find myself hugging him back, trying to give him some of my warmth.

"Hathor's gone," he mumbles into my hair.

"What about you?"

"Cold...I'm a little chilly, but...I'm me....I'm me."

His lips graze my neck...even his breath is cold.

"Colonel Makepeace came through with half a dozen SG teams to rescue us, but we're cut off from the Stargate. They're using an energy barrier. The plan is to blow it before General Hammond sends in reinforcements."

Jack releases me, "And how do we plan to do that?"

I'm looking right into his eyes. He senses that I don't really have much of a plan. I don't know what to say to him, but Jack realises that words aren't what we need right now. He leans towards me. We're both breathing hard and it's not from any exertion. Just being close to him again is sending very distracting signals to my brain.

"What you seek is in the mock-up of your Stargate facility," the Tok'ra woman interrupts.

"And you?" I ask her. I feel responsible. Without her help I would never have got Jack back.

"My symbiote may yet heal me...you must hurry...go."

I look at Jack again and he helps me to my feet. I must admit I still feel a bit shaky. It could be the after effects of Hathor's hand device, but it could be something else. There's still alot we have to say to each other, but it will have to wait. We have to blow that generator and get ourselves back to Earth... If we can.

* * *

I don't think Colonel Makepeace was that pleased to see Jack. Technically, I suppose I did disobey his order...but there was no way I was ever going to consider Jack a casualty. Maybe Makepeace saw this as his chance to move up in the SGC hierarchy. That's uncharitable of me, but there's something about that man I find very disquieting. Then again...he is a marine, what can you expect. He's very like Jack in a way, if you took away the sense of humour and basic decency.

General Hammond was as good as his word. Although, I must admit I'd expected an Earth military response, but there was no sweeter sight than Teal'c's deathglider swooping through the 'gate. He's one hell of a pilot. It's disorienting enough walking through the wormhole, never mind tying to fly a plane. You know I swear I heard General Hammond give a rebel yell as they destroyed the first tower, but I couldn't have done...could I? By the time Bra'tac came through with the renegade Jaffa it was more or less over. With Hathor gone, her forces were in disarray. Without her binding force they'd just as soon fight each other as us.

I pick Jack up from the dust and we go to join the others. To my surprise, he slips an arm about my waist. The display of affection makes me slightly uncomfortable. It shouldn't be this easy... or should it? Yet another example of the way Jack thinks. He's found it in his heart to forgive me, so as far as he's concerned we can go back. I'm not so certain. No matter how much he might want to pretend everything is different now. I realise I was the guilty party in all of this but even so....Jack hurt me when he rejected me so forcefully without being willing to listen to anything I had to say. A few roses aren't going to solve everything.

Hammond comes over to speak to us. He has an indulgent smile on his face. Yes, Uncle George is happy to see us like this. I guess he thinks it's the end of the conflict within his best SG teams. Both of Jack's arms wrap around my waist and he rests his chin on my shoulder, while carrying on his conversation with Hammond. I've never known him be so demonstrative, but it's kind of nice to feel him like this.

"Major?" Hammond says

"What...I mean, yes sir?" I reply, somewhat distracted.

"Why don't you escort SG1 home?"

"But what about....?"

"We can clean up here."

He's not giving me a choice in the matter. Why does everyone seem to think that Jack and I should get back together? Even Hammond seems to have a romantic streak a mile wide. He's given me an order though, and I have to obey it. I accompany SG1 home.

Janet pounces on them the second we step through the gate and whisks them off to the infirmary. Since they've been frozen, had their memories screwed with and, in Jack's case, been almost taken over by a Goa'uld, it's probably a good thing. More, importantly it's going to give me a chance to get my head together. I know before I was eager for Jack to come back to me but now...I'm getting scared.

In the end I go home. If Jack wants me, he knows where to find me but I'm betting on Janet keeping them overnight. I take a bath, open a bottle of wine and order Chinese. I curl up on the couch in my flannel pyjamas and prepare to relax. I'm halfway through the wine when someone knocks on my door. He's found me. I know it's Jack. He has his own key and I know he'll just let himself in. Funny, that was the one thing he didn't give back to me.

"Sam?" he calls as he unlocks the door.

"In here!" I yell back.

He comes in from the hall and slumps onto the couch beside me. Without prompting, he starts to massage my feet.

"There's beer in the fridge," I tell him.

"I'm good," he replies.

I smile. Jack knows how much my feet ache after a long mission. I close my eyes and just let myself enjoy the sensation.

The mission must have taken more out of me than I thought, because the next thing I know, I'm waking up in my own bed and the sun is streaming through the curtains. I roll over and reach out a hand, disappointed to find that the other side of the bed is empty. I thought that Jack would have stayed even without my permission. Maybe he didn't want to. Pushing back my disappointment I crawl out of bed. I throw on my sweats and a shirt and head towards the kitchen for the coffee pot.

It's only as I'm walking back that I notice the feet hanging off the end of my couch. I'd recognise them anywhere. He's taken his shoes off and I playfully tickle his feet to wake him up. Jack won't be easily disturbed and he pulls his legs out of my reach.

"Go 'way," he mutters, curling himself up. I don't know how he's managing to stay on the couch, but he does. Taking the bait, I become a little bolder in my attack and run my fingers lightly over his ribs.

"Goddammit...Charlie!" he yells, his eyes snapping open.

Jack pulls himself upright and drags a hand through his hair. He catches sight of me, taking in my slightly shocked expression,

"Sorry, I guess that memory device screwed me up more than I thought... I was dreaming about... well, it doesn't really matter... That coffee?"

I hand him my mug, "So you spent a lot of nights on the couch when you were married?" I ask.

"You could say that, " he admits, "Sara and I had a few...disagreements. I don't think Charlie really understood when we fought. He thought it was great fun to wake Dad up."

"I'm sorry."

I don't really know what to say. From what Daniel said, I always thought that Jack and Sara were idylically happy together.

"'s Okay," he reassures me.

"You want breakfast?" I ask, breaking he awkward moment.

"What do you say we go out?"

"Jack..."

"Then we'll talk, OK."

"Jolinar won't just go away. She's part of me now, and...I may still have problems dealing with that..."

"Martouf?"

"Yeah..."

Jack's smile fades. I can tell that he thinks I'm going to reject him, but I'm not. Nothing could be further than my mind.

"I don't love him...not in the way you think."

"I know...If anything I understand a little better now than I did before. When...when Hathor put that thing in my head. I could feel it. You know, emotions, memories and stuff. It was so damn strong. I nearly lost myself... and I nearly lost you."

I find myself reaching out, holding his head against my body as I stand before him. A deep sigh escapes his lips.

I think...I think we're going to be OK... I think he trusts me again...

"I love you," he speaks so quietly, that I feel the words more than hear them.

His lips brush my flesh, just above the waistband of my pants and I realise that he has been busily undoing the buttons of my shirt.

I guess we won't be going out for breakfast after all.


	7. Alternate Steps

I was on the base when the attack started. If I'd have been a normal person then maybe I would have been on a date. But no. Samantha Carter doesn't date, she stays on base and plays with her reactors. There's some pretty sick jokes flying around about what I actually do in my lab and I have a good idea about who started them. In the end...well...I guess I was in the right place. I was where I was supposed to be, where I could best defend my country. For all the good that did.

The rest of the base personnel were recalled, but not many of them made it. Although Colorado Springs wasn't hit from orbit, the Goa'uld landed a mothership on the mountain. No one could get through and I doubt many of them tried. There were so few of us defending the base that I was almost pleased to see Jack O'Neill appear. He'd climbed down twenty eight levels to get to us and I guess we should have expected him. If anyone could make their way past the Goa'uld defences it would be that pig-headed SOB. The fact that he's brought his kid too...

Poor Charlie looks terrified and I don't blame him, I'm shit scared myself. He turned eleven last month, but he's clinging to his father's hand and won't let go. The kid is far too young to be seeing this kind of stuff. I met them on the infirmary level. From O'Neill's face I can tell he'd rather have run into anyone but me. Even after all this time we don't have the easiest of working relationships... who am I kidding? We hate each other's guts, but in this case it's too damn bad.

"Colonel," I greet him by handing him an MP5. "Good to see you."

He doesn't look as if he knows what to do with it. Whatever, Charlie is obviously impressed by the weaponry. He reaches out a childish hand to touch the gun. O'Neill immediately lifts it out of his son's reach.

"Carter, get the kid outta here," he orders.

" Sir, we need ever able bodied soldier right now," I protest. I'm not a baby sitter.

"Well you don't fit into that category, Captain. Get my son through that damn gate! That's an order!"

"Dad?" Charlie sounds confused and who would blame him. His dad is leaving him with a strange woman. A woman he obviously doesn't trust very much.

O'Neill crouches down to talk to his son.

"Listen, Charlie it's very dangerous here. Captain Carter's going to take you somewhere safe," he explains.

"I wanna stay with you."

"You can't, OK. I have to be someplace else."

"Then I wanna go with Mom."

"Mom's not here."

"Will you come and get me?"

"Soon."

"Promise?"

"I promise."

O'Neill hugs his son. Holding him so tight that I'm scared he's going to hurt the child. When he finally lets go, I reach out and take Charlie's hand.

"If you let my son get hurt, I'm going to feed you to the nearest Goa'uld," O'Neill whispers to me...I have no doubt that he'll make good on his threat.

The next thing I know, he's gone and I'm left with Charlie. I don't really know what to do...how to talk to the boy. The last thing I want to be is a child minder. This isn't what I joined up for.

"C'mon," I tell the boy.

"Where are we going?" he wants to know.

"Somewhere that's alot of fun."

"Will my Dad be there?"

"Sure he will."

So I'm lying, but the chances are we won't even get anywhere near the gate. And the possibility of O'Neill coming back are just as slim. Damn the man. Why the hell did he have to bring his son into this? They would have been better off taking their chances outside.

We make our way down the next couple of levels, but somehow I realise that we're not going to make it to the 'Gate. The Goa'uld have got ahead of us. We're in the conference room, looking down on the Gateroom and it's swarming with Jaffa. Somehow, they've managed to disable the iris mechanism and the 'Gate is active. On his knees in front of the ramp is the distinctive figure of Colonel O'Neill.

"Let me see!" Charlie protests, but I push him away from the window. He can't see his dad like this. It's obvious how much the kid worships the man. Despite the antagonism of our relationship, I can't believe that O'Neill sold us out...but they had to get computer access from somewhere. Damn him.

"Where we going?" Charlie demands.

"Out of here," I say.

"What about Dad?"

There's no answer I can give, so I just drag the boy away. For the first time since this started, I'm clear about what we have to do. We do have a way out of here. I just have to hope that we don't end up somewhere worse.

The mirror is in a storage closet on this level. If it had been one floor up, I don't think we would have made it. As it is there's a team of Jaffa hot on our heels. I grab the remote from it's place on the shelving and turn the mirror on. There's no time to find a suitable reality. I just push Charlie against the glass, ignoring the child's cry at my behaviour. With a flash, he's gone. At least I've kept my promise to O'Neill. Maybe he'll think I've done something right for once.

Knowing that I can't let the Goa'uld see where we've gone I pull out a grenade and toss it behind me into the corridor. Then I put my hand up against the glass and suddenly I'm somewhere else.

* * *

I don't think I've slept for two days. God knows what Charlie must think. He hasn't said a word to me since we stepped through the mirror. Within seconds we were surrounded by a team of SF's and dragged away for interrogation. Suddenly appearing in one of the country's most secure facilities isn't really the best way to make a good impression. I didn't make myself any more popular by refusing to be split up from Charlie. If I'd been a guy, they probably would have beat me into submission. As it was we were questioned together... or rather I answered questions and Charlie just sat there. I think the poor kid is in shock. Whatever, I must have said something right, because the next thing I knew we were on our way to Cheyenne Mountain.

We were taken straight to the infirmary, where the CMO has been fussing around us for the past half hour. I wish they'd just leave us alone long enough to get some rest. Charlie is exhausted, but I think he's too scared to sleep. The boy wants his Dad...damn O'Neill for making me do this. He's the one who should be here with his son. I wonder if he's even still alive. Then again the last I saw, he seemed pretty chummy with those serpent guards so he's probably just fine.

"Captain Carter?"

I turn as I hear the familiar Texas drawl.

"I'm Major General Hammond," he goes on, acknowledging my salute.

"I know," I reply with a wry smile. Some things don't change. It's reassuring to find out that Hammond is in charge here. Makes me wonder if I'm around too.

"And this is Charlie?"

"Yes."

"Captain... with regards to the boy...there's something you should know."

But before he can continue, another familiar voice interrupts.

"What was so important it couldn't wait until... woah... how did you get here so fast?"

I turn around to see Colonel O'Neill standing in the doorway. He looks as if he's just been dragged out of bed. Literally judging b the state of his hair. I take an involuntary step backwards as he approaches me, giving him full view of the boy who lies in the bed. O'Neill's face goes white. He looks as if he's seen a ghost. I've never seen him look so rattled.

Charlie doesn't wait for his Dad to say anything. He launches himself at the man. I find my eyes misting up as the two of them hold each other. Then I realise that O'Neill is actually crying. There are tears running down his face. A hand touches my sleeve and General Hammond leads me into the corridor.

"Is he OK?" I ask.

"Colonel O'Neill's son was killed in a tragic accident," he explains.

"Oh my God!"

I look back into the infirmary. It doesn't look as if this O'Neill is going to let go of the kid anytime soon. I can't imagine him not having a son. He dotes on the boy. I know he was pretty cut up when he got divorced and his wife got custody. Losing Charlie all together would probably drive him suicidal.

"What happened to his wife?" I can help but ask.

"They divorced after Charlie was killed."

So he didn't even get to keep that much. Well, I guess it's the very differences that set our realities apart. Is there anything else I should know? And where do I fit into this world? Some part of this is scaring me. This reality seems so perfect. Maybe I'm a little happier here. Maybe I didn't screw up my career so badly. It's possible.

I realise that I have no idea how I'm going to cope with seeing myself. Even without meeting her I'm almost jealous.

As it turns out, I don't have long to wait. Footsteps approach and I turn....to find myself looking in a mirror. She looks as shaken as I do. For all intents and purposes we're the same person. OK, so her hair is a little longer than mine, she's not wearing fatigues....but apart from that....

"Lieutenant Colonel Carter....may I introduce Captain Carter," Hammond says.

Lieutenant Colonel? So this Carter must have her head screwed on straight...or be sleeping with the right people.

"Alternate reality?" Carter questions.

I nod, unable to find my voice.

* * *

It's difficult to watch them together. Every look, every touch tells me how much they care. The very sight mocks me. If I hadn't been so damn pigheaded, this could have been mine. I glance at them across the briefing room table. They don't even seem to realise that they're practically sitting on top of each other. The other members of SG1 are here too, but I hardly recognise them. Dr. Jackson...a civilian...I can just imagine how O'Neill reacted to that. And Teal'c.....what can I say about the fact that there's a jaffa on the team! It was all I could do to stay civil.

And it's hard for me to reconcile this O'Neill with the one I know. This man seems softer, somehow. He smiles more frequently, cracks jokes, tries to make me laugh...her laugh. And I can't help wondering who or what was responsible for this change. I know the divorce was difficult for my Colonel. He kind of withdrew from everyone when it happened. Rumour said that it was because his wife started to see someone else. I guess that's easy to understand. He was working long hours. Other people said that they had never gotten along that great. Charlie was the only thing that kept them together and in the end it wasn't enough. Whatever happened, I know that when they split just before we opened the Gate for the first time and O'Neill was never quite the same afterwards. The divorce was long and very bitter, their child being the bone of contention between them.

This O'Neill has been just great with Charlie. If the kid knows that this isn't his real dad, he certainly doesn't seem to care. They even went topside to play catch. I would have loved to go to, but that was his Carter's prerogative.

This is so hard. We can't stay here...or I can't to be more specific. If you've never felt yourself being torn apart by the very fabric of the universe, I wouldn't recommend it. The very fact that my double is in such close proximity is only making it worse. They have to send me back. We have a long and complicated discussion, but in the end none of us have a choice. I don't know who these Asgard are, but they could be just the little green men we're looking for.

"Actually, they're grey...Roswell grey," O'Neill interrupts.

His Carter laughs and I have to struggle to keep the grin off my face. But my smile doesn't last for long as I am gripped by another attack. Carter grabs my hand to help me through it and I am painfully aware of the expression of concern on O'Neill's face. It's not something I'm used to. My Colonel is not a man who spares me any compassion. He doesn't have much time for anyone apart from his own team and his son.

"So, " I begin, when we're alone.

"So?" Carter repeats.

"Forgive me, I'm just a little curious....about you and Colonel O'Neill."

"I take it you and your Jack aren't close."

"Not really."

We're dismantling the device as we talk. There's one thing about working with yourself, it's easier to hold a conversation.

"We were on the same team for a short while but..."

"But what?"

"I got transferred."

"Why?"

"Personal reasons."

She looks at me as if she doesn't believe me, then she gives a wry smile,

"Jack can be difficult," she admits. "There was a time...let's just say we fought alot."

"What changed?"

"I didn't leave him behind."

Is that where it all went wrong for me and my Colonel? I remember leaving him to wake alone in a cold bed. The argument when I told him it was all a terrible mistake. Resentment when he had me transferred off SG1. Everyone knew why he did it, even General Hammond. We should have been court martialled.

"What's he like?" I ask.

"How do you mean...oh?"

She goes red...and I do too. I've never been comfortable with intimate discussion.

"I thought he was going to be one of those guy always on top types...but...," she begins.

"But...?"

"He's pretty amazing."

I can't help but silently agree with her, remembering my one night. OK, so we were both drunk, neither of us really knew what we were doing even so.....We awoke in the early hours, made love again and it was wonderful. He was so tender and loving that my body still aches for his caress. Maybe that's why there haven't been any other men since him.

"Wait a second...you slept with him, didn't you?" she starts.

"What makes you say that?" I reply.

"I recognise the expression on your face...he was your commanding officer?"

She sounds shocked.

"That didn't stop you?" I snap back.

"I was never under Jack's command."

"You weren't?"

"No. I've always headed up SG2."

"I guess that explains why you're a lieutenant colonel and I'm still a captain."

"What happened?"

For some reason I feel like I should tell her...if I can't talk to myself who can I talk to?

"We'd had a pretty rough time..SG1 I mean. When Colonel O'Neill divorced from his wife he went to court to try and get custody. It was a mess, went on for eighteen months, but he didn't win. In the end he was restricted to one weekend a month."

"I take it Jack wasn't happy?"

"You can say that again. It really cut him up...so anyway we decided to take him out. It was Kowalski's idea."

"Figures... you didn't want to?"

"Not really. We'd just got back from P3X-513..."

"Jonas?"

"Yeah. So anyway, the Colonel spent the night getting drunk and I wasn't much better. Next thing I knew I was waking up in his bed. Then...well...we did it again. We were both perfectly sober the second time, so we didn't really have an excuse. Next morning, I just got out of there as fast as I could. When O'Neill came to talk things out, I just told him it had all been a big mistake. I thought we could still be friends andthat he'd let me stay on SG1...but he had me transferred."

"Can you blame him?"

"What?"

"If you'd have been willing to talk things out maybe..."

"That's easy for you to say. You have everything in this perfect world of yours and I just wish you'd stop flaunting it in front of me. One way or another I'll be out of here soon, so you can go back to playing happy families with your Jack and forget about how you could have screwed up your life!"

"I damn well wouldn't have slept with my CO!"

I stare at her, knowing that she's telling the truth. My mistake was losing control of myself, not only when I slept with O'Neill, but when I refused to listen to him. For what it's worth I never let it happen again.

* * *

As soon as I saw him, I realised that Jack O'Neill would never have revealed anything to the enemy. He would have died first and I hated myself for ever thinking otherwise. I can't help shrinking away as the Jaffa hits him again. Beside me I feel Teal'c shift and I know he won't let this torture continue. I am so glad we left Charlie in the other reality. He didn't want to stay but Colonel O'Neill talked him round. God knows what he promised but I think my Colonel will have to pay up big time. My Colonel...for some reason I keep calling him that, just to keep this all straight in my head.

The other O'Neill is with Kowalski, trying to set up the Asgard generator. I'm hoping he can do it. Alien technology is usually my field, but he assured me he'd be OK. Apparently he's had experience with this particular equipment. Then he and Carter exchanged one of those deep, intimate looks that seem to be their trademark. In some ways I'm glad to be away from that. It was driving me mad.

Pushing his way through the ranks of jaffa, Apophis comes into my line of vision.

"I will ask you this one more time, human. What is the address of the planet to which your leaders have fled? The place you call beta site?" he questions.

"Go to hell!" O'Neill spits back, and is struck again. He screams ... something I thought I'd never hear. I think Teal'c and I got here just in time. There's no way O'Neill can last much longer.

"Where have your leaders gone?"

Before another blow can land, Teal'c pushes me into the room, announcing our presence to Apophis.

"Teal'c who is this?" Apophis asks.

"She was captured attempting to escape, my Lord," Teal'c replies.

"This one will not tell us the glyphs of the planet where they have sent their leaders. Get it out of him...or get it out of her."

"Yes, my lord."

Teal'c bows his head in acceptance and Apophis moves away.

"Attend to our Lord," he then orders. "I will take care of this...Kree Jaffa!"

To his credit, Teal'c is playing the part well. The guards obey him without question and leave us alone with O'Neill.

"You might as well kill me," the Colonel spits.

He glaring at me with undisguised hatred. The fact that I'm obviously uninjured is leading him to the wrong conclusion.

"I would never do such a thing Colonel O'Neill," Teal'c replies.

"It's OK, you're not hallucinating, he's from an alternate reality," I explain as I loosen his bonds.

O'Neill looks confused.

"There's still a chance we can stop them sir. We're going to attempt to contact a race of aliens from their reality. Enemies of the Goa'uld."

"Good... good job Captain."

"Thank you sir."

"Charlie?"

"He's safe."

I help O'Neill to his feet. He's not very steady and he leans against me heavily. To keep him upright, I slip my arm about his waist. We stay that way for a second before he pulls away, muttering something about needing to find some weapons. I feel myself hiding my disappointment as I sit down at a terminal to do load up the dialling program.

It appears that Colonel O'Neill is good enough to get the transformer on line. The lights dim and the 'gate starts spinning.

"You must prepare to go through the 'gate Captain Carter," Teal'c tells me.

For some unknown reason I feel like kissing the man...but I manage to keep control of myself. I turn away and find my Colonel watching me. For a few brief seconds I allow myself to become lost in his eyes. I don't think I ever realised what a beautiful shade of brown they really are. There's something new there, it's almost as if he's looking at me with grudging respect.

I tear myself away and run for the Gateroom. There's a Jaffa guarding the gate and I have to dodge a couple of zat blasts, but Teal'c barks orders and the man hesitates. I sprint up the ramp and manage to dive through into the wormhole.

I've been through the 'gate more times than I can count, but this journey seems like it will never finish. When I get to the other end I feel my knees buckle and it's all I can do to keep from throwing up. It seems the human body wasn't designed to be kept in transit that long. I don't know how much time I spend lying there, because the next thing I know, a small grey hand had places itself in mine and is encouraging me to stand. The Asgard are just as O'Neill had described....the personification of Roswell aliens. I would have been tempted to laugh if there wasn't something so...I don't know...powerful about them. There are a crowd of them surrounding me, all looking with curiosity deep in their liquid eyes.

"Uh...hi," I begin.

They continue to stare at me.

"Um....My name is Samantha Carter. I come from a planet called Earth....and uh....we could really use your help."

* * *

The Asgard, to quote Colonel O'Neill you've gotta love those guys. They just swooped into Earth orbit and erased every sign that the Goa'uld had been on the planet. It was amazing to watch as the motherships just vanished. I just stood there open-mouthed, trying to work out how they did it. The one called Thor stood beside me...and I think he was laughing at me. I don't think I can even start to comprehend the difference between our civilisations. I'm certainly glad that they're on our side. They are so far ahead of us it's scary....even when it comes to bringing a man back from the dead. No sarcophagus for these people. Thor brought my Colonel to life with just a wave of his hand.

So the Goa'uld have gone and the Asgard too. Thor and his race are leaving the humans to their own devices. Tomorrow we'll call our leaders back from beta site. They can take control of an Earth that's been battered...but remains unbowed. Until then....

The others have returned to their own reality and Charlie to ours. He and his dad immediately retired from the room to hold their emotional reunion in private. The last view I had of that other world was of Carter greeting her lover. I turned away from that picture, not really wanting to see it. They'll destroy their mirror. There won't be any way to go back to that reality by that route so I guess I'd better make the best of the one I've got.

It's strange, being the only people left on the base. I spend most of the evening wandering through deserted corridors, checking empty rooms. I find bodies, lots of them...but there's little I can do. We need to move them somewhere but the task is beyond us right now. I'd really like to get out of here, but we have to stay until the reinforcements arrive from the beta site. Only then will we be allowed to find out what's happened to the people we care about. At least O'Neill knows that his son is safe.

Eventually, I join them in the briefing room. Charlie is asleep in one corner and his father is sitting in one of the chairs staring at the Stargate. There's the remains of a meal littering the table. I'm starving...they could have called me.

"Carter," he says.

"Sir."

"Want something to eat? We saved you some."

"Oh...thank you, sir."

"Drop the sir, will ya? It isn't like anyone here is going to mind."

"Whatever."

There's some bread and stuff, a little chocolate...I'm so hungry I don't really notice what I'm eating.

"Here," Jack says handing me a beer.

"Where did you find this?"

"SG3's team room."

I smile sadly to myself...that figures. Drinking on duty...then again as O'Neill said there's no one left alive to care. There's an almost unnatural feeling of companionship as we sit there in silence, drinking beer.

"Sam..." he begins.

"Yeah?"

"Thanks."

"What for?"

"Looking after Charlie. For what it's worth...you're one of the few people I would trust with his life."

For some reason that makes me angry. How can he say that after everything we've been through? I open my mouth to argue and then realise that there's little point, not anymore. I settle for nodding my head and muttering,

"No problem."

"Why don't you get some sleep?" he suggests.

"Thanks, but I don't think I could right now."

"Those Asgard...pretty cool guys."

"Yeah....so how do you feel?"

"Like I've been given another chance."

His brown eyes are very serious as he looks into mine. Again, I find myself unable to tear myself away.

"For what?" I whisper.

"To regain something I lost. Sam, I transferred you to another team to protect you, because...because I wanted to continue what we started. "

"You...you did?"

"Yeah. If it had just been a case of a one night stand there wouldn't have been a problem. We could have laughed about it, but I felt more than that and I thought you did too."

"Then why didn't you say anything?"

"You made it pretty clear how you felt."

"I...dammit!"

I never thought for a second that Jack actually wanted some kind of relationship. Why is he telling me this now? We should have had this conversation two years ago. He's right. I never did give him a chance and the next thing I knew the damn transfer had gone through.

"Then I had to transfer you because of the way I felt about you," he finishes.

"Jack...I'm sorry."

"So am I. Look, I know you don't care about me in that way, but I think we should at least try to be friends for Charlie's sake. We could be all he has right now."

As usual Jack doesn't seem to be thinking of anything but his son. Then again, it wouldn't be difficult to be friends with him. And I really like Charlie. I can't help it he's a great kid.

"Friends," I agree.

"Good...now how about getting some sleep. We're going to have a busy day tomorrow, when the top brass get back."

"Okay...but you should sleep too. We're sealed in here, it's not like anyone can come knocking at the door without us knowing about it."

He smiles at me and nods... for a second looking like that other, happier Jack O'Neill. I take the blankets he offers and lie down on the floor, my back to the wall. Jack eases himself down next to me. Very tentatively we reach out for each other, wanting nothing more than to feel the touch of another human being.

In the wake of the Goa'uld invasion life isn't going to be easy....but I get the feeling it's going to be a whole lot happier.


	8. 100 Steps

DAY 1

Something has changed between Jack and I. It's difficult to say when exactly it happened. I would like to lay the blame firmly on the alternative versions of ourselves, but it wasn't that...not entirely. The change started there but has been gathering momentum. Sure Jack was a little unnerved by seeing his son again. Who wouldn't be? Yet his desire for more children has only manifested itself recently.

I don't want children, not yet. Jack seems to think that volunteering to retire and raise any kids makes it all right. He doesn't seem to understand that I'm the one who has to give up my career for nine months. I talked to Janet about it. No one knows what effect 'gate travel would have on an unborn child, so I'd be effectively grounded. Not something that would do my career any good. I've only just made Lieutenant Colonel, I don't want to stop now.

Jack spends more and more time at the park, watching the kids as they play. The local school children love him. They call him Colonel Jack. But he hasn't really spoken about it not until the other night. He suggested we get married, but I know that's not really what he wants. If it were just a matter of a ring on my finger I think he would have proposed months ago. So I mentioned the kid thing and he admitted it right there and then. I was so freaked out, I went home early, needing the solitude of my own bed.

The thing is, I can't replace Sara. I can't play the nice little housewife...at least I don't think I can.

Those thoughts are with me now. We're sitting on a cliff overlooking a body of water and the sky is full of shooting stars. Jack's just told me to stop sucking the fun out of this... and the Edoran woman smiled at him. She has no right. Laughing at Jack's jokes is what I do. He asked me to come here to check out the Naquedah readings, the least he could do is be a little grateful. I was hoping that we'd get to spend a little private time together, but everywhere he goes Laira trails behind. She likes him, I know she does. A woman can tell. I don't know if he's told her about me and he hasn't given any indication that our relationship is more that friendship. I guess having your girlfriend along when your exploring new worlds cramps your style. Captain Kirk would never approve. I'm not saying that Jack would do anything but, part of me certainly wonders.

"Woah!"

Jack's exclamation interrupts my musings as we watch a trail of fire arc it's way across the sky. That was close...that was very close. Laira said that the fire rain becomes more brilliant every year...

"I'll make some more observations tonight," I hear myself offer.

"Good, thanks, Carter," Jack replies.

Carter? Carter? What happened to Sam?

He scrambles to his feet, preparing to make his way back to the village. I fight back another wave of disappointment. I'd been hoping that he'd hang around and we'd do some 'observing' together. As he reaches out a hand to help Laira to her feet, I turn my head away. What are you doing, Jack?

They all wish me goodnight, leaving me alone on the cliff with my lap top. I dig in my pack for chocolate. It's the only thing a woman can turn to at a time like this. I do my job...I always will. By midnight I've seen enough for the computer to come up with a workable prediction. I should really get back to the village and find a place to crash for the night... or maybe I should just cut my losses and go back to Earth. In the end I just stay where I am. Maybe Jack will come looking for me...or maybe he won't.

It's a warm night, but by the feel of the air it must be the end of spring. It's funny how much this planet can seem like Earth. We could be just around the corner from a major city if it weren't for the clarity of the night sky. No sign of light pollution here. The fire rain continues, several more meteors coming a little too close for my liking. I don't really need the computer, I can tell what's going to happen here. I think Daniel's going up to the caves tomorrow to check the geological record. Good luck to him, but I get the feeling that it's only going to confirm my suspicions. This planet is in trouble.

"Sam? You still out here?"

"Over here!"

Jack came back for me! Am I really that pathetic?

He slumps down beside me, turning off his torch. An arm snakes around my shoulders and he pulls me close.

"Sorry, I've been so long. Laira wanted to talk about stuff," he explains.

"What stuff?"

"The mining treaty."

"The mining treaty?"

"What's wrong with that?"

Occasionally, I wonder if Jack acts dumb on purpose, but this isn't one of those times. He really doesn't have any idea.....which is why I love him so much. Laira's going to have to do alot more before he notices her in that way. A thought that gives me no end of pleasure. I cuddle up closer to Jack, letting him know that I'm pleased he came back. His fingers gently caress the nape of my neck, twining themselves in my hair.

"Sam?" he begins.

"Mmm?"

"About the kids thing?"

"Yes?"

"It isn't the only reason I want to marry you."

"Isn't it?"

"No. Children can wait. Sam, would you do this old man the honour of becoming his wife...for better for worse....richer for poorer?"

"Jack...."

"This life we lead is too fragile to waste and I want to marry you."

"Does it matter?"

"To me it does."

It's too dark for me to see into his eyes, but the tone of his voice leaves my heart beating wildly. I'm not immune to the romance of the situation. Another planet, alien stars, it's the perfect place for Jack to propose.

Without even realising it, my mouth forms a reply.

"Yes," I breathe.

He must have been pretty confident, because he has a ring with him. He fishes it out of his pocket and slips it onto my finger. I wish I could see it better, but it glitters in the light of the stars. Another fireball flashes through the sky and I see Jack's features bathed in the glow. I reach out towards him letting our lips meld as we tumble into our lover's embrace.

* * *

DAY 2

"So, you're gonna tell Dad?" Jack asks me.

"Yes, as soon as I've finished these calculations."

He rolls his eyes in mock exasperation. If it were up to Jack, he'd shout it from the tallest mountain, but I want to keep quiet...just long enough to savour the moment. No doubt we'll argue happily about that for a few weeks when he gates back from Edora. SG1 have to stay long enough to get the mining treaty signed and after that...well...I think Jack and I are going to put in for a little downtime.

"Keep the light on," he tells me as the Stargate whooshes into life.

With a last wave I step across the event horizon and back into the SGC. At first I didn't know whether to keep the ring on, but I decided what the hell....It's going to be fun to see how many people notice. Now I can see, it really is beautiful. Jack bought me sapphires, no diamonds for this girl...just Airforce blue stones. I think he must have had it designed especially for me. If that's the case... well, Jack has exquisite taste.

Looking at the ring, it makes me think of that other Samantha Carter. If I had been under Jack's command would I have been able to stop myself falling in love with him? I like to think that I wouldn't have slept with him, but I can't be certain. Even if I didn't, what would be the consequences of any feelings we might have had for each other. I don't like to admit it, but sometimes those thoughts bother me more than I'd like. Take last night, for example, General Hammond would go nuts if he ever found out what we'd been doing. Jack and I both knew that, but it didn't stop us. We were just lucky that no one came looking for us until after we'd...er...finished. Even then if it had been any of SG1 it wouldn't have been a problem. The fact that it was Laira...

That woman is far too interested in Jack. He doesn't seem to see it... which will probably make her try all the harder. It's not that I don't trust him...but I have to wonder. I tell myself that he'll be back home in a couple of days and he won't let anything happen in that time. Jack's on a promise and he knows it. In fact, I wouldn't be surprised if these mining negotiations aren't completed in record time. I feel a grin form as I think about our reunion.

But fantasising isn't going to get these calculations done. I plug my laptop into a nearby terminal and start to download the data I gathered last night, when I wasn't doing other things. It takes a couple of minutes and during that time I find my mind wandering back to Laira. For some reason I feel threatened by her. Not that I'd admit that to anyone. There's something about her... Something that Jack might find attractive. She wouldn't refuse to bear his children, she'd be happy waiting at home for him. She said something to me this morning while I was showing her the simulation....

"When my husband died I mourned for 100 days..."

A hundred days. That number holds some significance for her, and it sends a prescient chill down my spine. In a hundred days I hope to be married to the man I love. I know it's fast, but there doesn't seem to be any point in waiting too long. Neither of us need an elaborate ceremony. We just want to be married in front of those we love best. Our team members, General Hammond, Janet, my Dad. I'll invite my brother but I don't think he'll come. What family Jack does have, he's no longer on speaking terms with. The people at the SGC are far closer to us than any blood relatives.

We didn't talk much about the wedding, but Jack has forbidden me from getting married in my uniform. He's the only one that's allowed to do that. So, I'll have to go out and find a wedding dress. I guess white would be out of the question.

The computer beeps at me, signalling that it's finished the calculations. Dragging my mind away from Jack I study the figures it presents me.

These are bad.

These are very bad. Jack you have to get out of there!

I look up a the General, who has been hovering behind me.

"Sir....we have to evacuate the settlement," I tell him.

"Are you sure, Colonel?"

"Yes, sir. If I'm right, this fire rain could destroy the whole village."

* * *

DAY 5

I lie in my bed staring at the wall. Janet told me I should get some sleep, but I can't.....I haven't slept in a week.

Why the hell did Jack have to go with Laira? He could have sent Kowalski....but no. Jack O'Neill always has to be the hero. No doubt Laira played the damsel in distress to perfection. Didn't he know that I'd be here waiting for him?

My alarm goes off and I drag myself out of bed. After a quick shower, I head straight for my lab, intending to study the data all over again. There has to be something I can do. Daniel is trying to contact our allies, but I know that the chances of any of them having a ship close to Edora is slim. By close I mean within a weeks travel, if not it could take months...years even. That's assuming he even survived the meteor strike. He could be dead for all I know.

I slipped the ring off my finger the moment we found out he wasn't coming back. I'm glad now that we didn't tell anyone. It would make my situation even harder. As it is most of the base personnel look at me with undisguised sympathy. Jack and I were the base romance. I never realised how many people were interested. We're going to get him back, there has to be a way.

All the reports on Edora are scattered over my lab. bench... exactly where I left them last night... make that two hours ago. Finding time to sleep is a little difficult right now. I really have to force myself to take a break. If I didn't I'd be too tired to be any good to anyone....never mind Jack. I'm sure this working through the night thing used to be easier. There hasn't been a time when I've felt so exhausted, not even when I was studying for my finals. I should really go and get something to eat, but the very thought of food makes me feel sick.

Coffee, that's what I really need.

No sooner has the craving crossed my mind than I see a steaming mug sitting on the bench. Ferretti, it has to be. Sure enough the next thing I see is my 2IC coming around the corner with a blueberry muffin... he knows they're my favourite. Suddenly, my appetite returns in a rush and I find myself wolfing down the muffin, washing it down with large gulps of coffee.

"So Colonel," Ferretti begins, "made sense of any of this stuff yet?"

He doesn't mean that like it sounds. Ferretti isn't trying to put pressure on me.

"I don't know. The 'gate engaged so it hasn't been destroyed," I say.

"Want more coffee?"

"Please."

He has the pot with him and refills my mug. I turn back to my papers. There has to be something here, something I'm missing. I don't notice when Ferretti leaves, but, around lunchtime, I find a plate of salad on the table by the door. Not that I really notice what I'm eating. That 'gate has to be there, it must just be buried somehow.

Another night's work and I finally think I have the answer. It's three AM but I find the General in the conference room. I blurt out my idea to him and, although he initially sounds sceptical, he give me the go ahead. I get the feeling he's just humouring me. He wants to stop me from falling apart and he knows that working is the only way to distract myself. Jack O'Neill is, after all only one man and the base can't afford to put all their resources into getting him back. One person, one person working alone... but since that person is me I think I have a pretty good chance. I have to believe in myself. It's more important now than ever before. If I lose faith, Jack could be stuck on that planet for years...and that just isn't acceptable.

* * *

DAY 23

"Working through the night again?"

I look up to see Janet approaching with another coffee. By the expression on her face, I can tell that I've been sitting here for a several hours. I think they must have a let's look after Sam rota. Whenever it's time for a meal or a break I can be certain that one of them will turn up. I take a sip of the hot drink, and wait for the caffeine to hit my system.

"Yeah," I reply , "A lot of work to do.....thank you.."

"Look, Sam there is no doubt that you're going to solve this, but you have to accept the fact that it's going to take time."

"Yeah, well, if I think like that it could take months."

"Daniel says that the Tollan could have a ship somewhere in the vicinity of Edora early next year."

"He shouldn't have to wait that long."

"I know you miss him."

"Yeah."

"Sam... is there something you're not telling me?"

"Of course not."

Not something... several somethings. I pull my lab coat around myself, trying to hide the inevitable.

"What is it?" she presses.

Well let's see? Jack proposed to me the night before the meteor struck, but I didn't tell anyone and hid the ring. He's no stuck on a planet hundreds of light years away and I don't know if I'll ever see him again. On said planet there's some woman who seems intent on seducing him, it can only be a matter of time before he gives in...especially if he thinks he's never getting home again. And...oh yes...the really good one.....

"I think I'm pregant," I blurt out.

To her credit Janet doesn't even blink an eye. Her only response is,

"Is this a problem?"

"No," I lie to her, "of course not."

"C'mon."

"What?"

"I need to do a blood test and then you're going to get some sleep."

"No... I told you I have work to do."

I pull away from her and turn my attention back to the computer screen.

"Sam," Janet says, quietly. "You have a responsibility to this baby...."

"And I have a responsibility to Jack!" I snap back.

For some reason being pregnant doesn't seem real to me. The fact that Jack is stuck on Edora does. It's ironic really. Jack got what he wanted, but isn't around to enjoy it. In my minds eye I can see him fussing around me, putting my feet up, making sure that I'm eating the right things. I picture his face...he'd be so happy. Maybe Janet's right...This is part of Jack and I owe it to him to keep us both safe until he comes back.

Unwillingly, I let her lead me away from my precious calculations.

* * *

DAY 72

My world is falling apart. I don't know what I've done wrong, I really don't. I stopped working through the night, ate all the right things, gave up alcohol. And still everything was taken away from me. They tell me it's not unusual, they tell me it happens more often than people think, even so....why did it have to happen to me?

It's funny how people can't even say the word in front of me. If people would talk about it, maybe this would be easier for me to deal with. Stupid thing is....when I got back from the hospital, there was the appointment card for my next scan in my post box. If I'd have had a blunt instrument handy I would have smashed the damn thing. But I guess Janet would have stopped me. She came with me...which I was grateful for. We spent the evening with a bottle of wine, Chinese takeout and Star Wars. It helped.

So now I'm back with my particle accelerator. It's easier to deal with that than the other base personnel. Not that many of them actually knew. Janet, of course, General Hammond, my team... all those who had reason to know why I was suddenly banned from 'gate travel. I wonder now if I didn't have some sort of premonition that something wasn't quite right. The hospital wants me to go for counselling, but I'm better off staying right here. What I need right now is Jack, and this is the only way I can get him back... though I don't know what I'm going to say to him....I thought about not telling him, but that wouldn't be fair.

I bet Laira could give him a dozen screaming brats...she looks the type. Over the past weeks I've tried my best not to think about them together, but for some reason the picture won't leave my mind. I try to tell myself that Jack wouldn't give up on me, but for some reason I'm not so sure. If he thinks that he's never going to be able to go home again, can I really expect him to live out his life in celibacy?

One hundred days. For some reason that number sticks out in my mind. Laira won't make her move before then. She'll give him that long. Well, I'll just have to get there first. That's all there is to it.

I don't think anyone expected me to go back to work quite so soon. Least of all Janet. She pushed me to take a few more days, but I'd already been away a week. I'm not ill...not physically anyway, I'm not going to break. Besides working takes my mind off...It's time I make finding Jack my top priority again.

* * *

DAY 99

It worked better than I ever thought it would. Teal'c went through the 'gate and managed to dig himself out. I think it was close. By my calculations he must have almost been out of air. There was quite a fight as to who was going to have the privilege of trying to dig their way out onto the surface of Edora. Naturally Kowalski though that he should do it because he was Jack's 2IC....then Daniel said that he had the most experience at digging up things. Ferretti and General Hammond himself were alos among the contenders. In the end Janet pointed out that Teal'c could slow down his respiration and reduce his need for oxygen...which kind of gave him the leading edge.

Apparently the DHD was still usable and he managed to dial up Earth and get a message through to us. The 'gate, however, was partially buried and horizontal. We would need the help to set it upright again. I went through next. General Hammond tried to persuade me to wait until morning, but I refused.

Teal'c and I are walking now, taking the familiar path towards the village. On our last visit it had been late spring, but now it's the end of summer. The fields have been harvested and there's a slight chill in the night air. We see no one as we walk. It's almost as if the village is deserted. We move through the dwellings ... which are surprisingly intact given what happened here. If the buildings survived maybe Jack did too. Both Teal'c and myself tried contacting him by radio but failed to get any reply. I'm hoping it's just because he hasn't switched it on.

There's something going on in the main hall. It's the only place that has any lights on....or should that be fires lit. From all appearances it looks like the villagers are having some kind of party. I feel a little awkward about intruding but that doesn't stop me sliding through the door and hovering on the edge of the crowd. No one takes any notice of my presence. They all seem to be more interested in what is taking place in the centre of the hall. In the open space, surrounded by benches, A young man I recognise as Laira's son is being blindfolded. I look on as he is spun round several times and then pushed in the direction of a young woman. I guess she must be his girlfriend. A great cheer goes up as the couple make contact.

Then I see Jack. He's sitting on one of the benches, Laira by his side. He looks happy, there's a huge grin spread across his face as he watches the scene. Next thing I know, he's been dragged to his feet and the blindfold wrapped around his eyes. They spin him around, just like they did the younger man, and push him towards Laira. Jack takes two steps and stops. I find myself holding my breath as his head snaps up and his covered eyes move towards mine. The room falls silent and I feel everyone turn to stare at me. Shaking his head, Jack takes another step towards Laira. I hold my breath as he stops again and turns back towards me.

I open my mouth to speak, but one of the villagers raises a hand to stop me. It's apparent that Jack has to make his own choice.

"Jack?" Laira breaks the silence, causing his covered eyes to swing back in her direction. He seems to study her for a second before walking unerringly towards me. I push my way through the crowd so I can meet him halfway.

He rips the blindfold from his eyes as our bodies make contact. Despite their initial antagonism, I hear the cheers as we share our first kiss in three months.

"Oh God, Sam," he whispers in my ear, "I knew you'd find a way...I just knew it."

I'm actually crying as he wraps his arms about me and leads me to one of the tables.

"What is it?" he asks me.

"I'll tell you when we get home, " I reply.

There's some things he doesn't need to know about... not yet. I don't want to spoil his homecoming.

We agree we can't finish digging out the 'gate until daybreak, which is OK by me. It means I get to spend an uninterrupted night with Jack before the rabble get here. He leads me to the place where he's been sleeping, a small room in Laira's house. I look around and I see his uniform, his MP5, the memories of home. Nice to see he has his own room, although it looks like it's been converted from storage.

"Cosy," I grin at him.

"All the comforts of home," he replies.

Now we're alone it's almost as if we don't know where to start. We sit on the bed, just drinking in the sight of each other. It doesn't look as if he's been suffering much anyway. He's relaxed and tanned, I guess he's been working outside alot. I hate to think what I must look like.

"Hey, you look tired," he says. "I bet you haven't slept for the past week, have you?"

"No...not alot. Had to get the particle beam finished."

"The what? Never mind you can tell me in the morning."

"It is a rather long explanation."

"My favourite kind. Now why don't you just relax, I'll be back in a second."

He gives me a tender kiss and disappears through the curtain of rough material that serves as the door to his room. I do as he asks, stripping off my boots and jacket, lying back on the rough blankets. I must have fallen asleep for a few minutes because the next thing I hear is Laira's voice, followed by Jack's deeper tones. I creep out of bed and move to the door.

"You must be happy to be going home?" she says.

"Yes...yes I am."

"You could stay."

"Laira..."

"I could see it in your eyes, you'd finally accepted your place here."

"Part of me would never have forgotten Sam, you must know that."

"That wasn't the part I wanted."

God, I was right. She did want him. Seems I got here just in time.

"I wanted you to give me a child," Laira finishes.

That hurts. I stumble backwards finding myself curled up on the bed, hugging my knees. Jack wants children so badly, if he knows what happened...

"You wanted....excuse me!" Jack says. "I can't believe we're having this conversation."

"It's all right Jack, I know now that you would never want me."

I can hear her crying. Maybe it's to get sympathy, or maybe she really does love him. I wouldn't blame her. Once you get past that veneer of sarcasm he really is an easy man to care about.

"Laira...you're a very attractive woman. And maybe if I wasn't going home, if I wasn't with Sam...you get the idea."

"Yes, I understand."

"Now I really need to get some sleep... a lot of digging to do tomorrow. Goodnight."

"Goodnight."

Jack comes back to his bed, and I can see the thoughtful expression in his eyes. He looks down at me, I'm pretending to be asleep. I think it's easier that way. His fingers brush the hair from my forehead and his lips caress mine. He moves around in the small space, divesting himself of his clothes, blowing out the candle.

It feels good to curl up next to him again, have him hold me through the night. The space is cramped but I don't mind a bit. Especially, as the last words from his lips before sleep claims him are,

"Love you, Sam."


	9. Grey Steps

I'm waiting for Jack to come home. The fire is lit, dinner is under control and I'm sitting here with a glass of wine re-reading one of my favourite books. I have to admit I'm very comfortable here. There's enough of my stuff around to make it feel like home. My pictures are on the walls, my cushions decorate the couch and Jack has built shelves to hold all my books.

I curl my body into a more comfortable position, taking another sip of my wine. When I first moved into Jack's house I was little worried. Jack had his habits and I had mine, and we'd both been living alone long enough to become set in our ways. We had some adjustments to make, but we're doing pretty well. Okay, so it's only been three weeks, but.....If I'm honest most of my stuff was here already.

The plan is we live together for six months and then get married. I know Jack wants to start a family pretty soon after that, but the thought doesn't scare me anymore. To be honest, I really want to get pregnant again. I've even thought about coming off the pill, but now would not be the right time. In some ways I want to prove myself that I can have children.

Jack's only been back from Edora for six weeks and I still wonder what exactly went on between him and Laira. He doesn't talk about it. Trouble is, I can see him enjoying the life she offered. Jack is an outdoors type of guy. Nothing would make him happier than to spend his time building things, growing things... fishing. I understand he got a whole lot of fishing done while he was there. So maybe he didn't spend that much time with Laira after all. I know what Jack gets like when he finds a good spot...he doesn't care if there are any fish there or not and I find myself smiling as I think of him sitting on the bank of that river and Laira trying to get his attention.

It's getting late. I thought Jack would be home by now. He said he had to go and see the General, but even so... I shouldn't really be worried. Any number of things could have kept him on the base. Sighing to myself, I uncurl myself and go to switch the oven off. Dinner will reheat... I hope. I'm not mad at him, not really. It's a fact of the life we both lead.

I settle myself back with my book. Despite my misgivings I told Jack about the miscarriage. In a way he was more devastated than I was. For me, at least, the pain has dulled just a little. My Dad said that it's lucky I'm a strong person, but I'm not so sure. I get the feeling that I didn't grieve enough. Jack was pretty upset, some of it from the fact that he wasn't here, even though there was nothing he could have done. He blames himself because I was spending so much time working to get him home again. That part I don't regret. If I'd have waited for the Tollan to send a ship, Laira would have worn him down for certain. We'd have got to Edora to find the happy couple surrounded by half a dozen little O'Neill's.

Without meaning to, I must have drifted off to sleep. The next thing I know, there's a key turning in the front door. Jack walks in, looking like hell. I glance at the clock, it's gone 2100. What was so important that the General had to keep him this long?

"Sam?" his voice is husky, I can smell beer and cigarettes.

So he stopped off on the way home. Why? What the hell is going on?

"You're late," I say.

"Yeah. Look...you wanna go out?"

"At this time?"

"Catch a movie or something?"

We haven't been to the movies in ages, but why does he want to go now? It isn't like there's anything either of us would particularly want to see... unless Jack insists on Disney again. There's only so many times I can watch The Lion King.

"Jack, are you OK?" I ask.

"Yeah... I just... look if we leave now we can get dinner and catch the late show."

Raising my hands in supplication I haul myself up and go to the bedroom to change. I suppose this might be a factor of Jack's behaviour of which I was previously unaware but I'm not really in the mood to argue with him. Exchanging my sweats for jeans and a shirt, I join Jack at the front door. He seems very eager to get out of the house. As soon as we're in the car he seems to relax a little. Despite evidence to the contrary, I don't think he actually is drunk, his eyes are too lucid.

We don't talk as he drives us to the edge of town. He probably thinks I'm mad at him, but I'm just too drowsy to start a conversation. In fact, I actually fall asleep and Jack has to wake me up. There's sympathy in his eyes and he offers me his hand and his fingers twine with mine. I wish I could work out what is going through his mind. His words and his actions just don't seem to match. Food is obviously the last thing on his mind, he barely touches his meal... and refuses dessert. Normally he'll eat a small South American country's worth. Something stops me from asking what's wrong. I don't know why, but I can't seem to bring myself to do it. Maybe he'll tell me in his own time. I certainly hope so.

* * *

"Why the hell don't you just go back there?" I scream at him.

"Maybe I will!" Jack yells back.

We couldn't have picked a more public spot for this particular argument to break out. It's lunchtime and the commissary is packed.

"At least Laira can give me what I want!" he goes on.

"I'm not some kind of breeding machine."

"No, you're not... and that's the real problem isn't it! You should have been able to get pregnant again by now!"

I fling the contents of my glass into his face. It's a damn shame it's only water. I don't want to break down and cry, but somehow I can't help myself. There's tears streaming down my face, but I hardly notice. I have to get out of there, away from him, away from everyone. If I stay I'll.....

"Sam!"

It's Janet's voice, but I make like I haven't heard her.

"Wait!"

She grabs my arm and forces me to stop.

"Are you OK?" she asks.

"Fine."

"Sam..."

"It's nothing."

"I never realised you and Jack were having problems. You should have said something."

"Janet, I really have to go."

There's a yell and the next thing I know, Jack comes flying out of the door, hits the wall and slides to the floor. Janet and I look at each other. It's all I can do to stop myself rushing to help him up. The members of SG1 and SG2 walk out of the commissary, not one of them sparing Jack a second glance. I wonder which one of them hit him? Let's just hope it was Teal'c. I don't particularly want any of them court-martialled for striking a superior officer. Jack's actually bleeding, but not even Janet goes to him.

"Report to the infirmary," she tells him. "Get one of the nurses to put some ice on that."

He doesn't say anything. Just uses the wall to haul himself to his feet and disappears into the elevator. The rest of the guys form a protective barrier around me...just in case he decides to start again.

"What are you going to do?" Janet asks me.

"Move out, I guess," I reply.

It's something I was hoping to avoid, but there really isn't anything else I can do.

"Need some help?" Ferretti offers.

"Yeah...lot of stuff to move."

We go home right away. There's no time like the present after all. Janet says I can stay with her until I find someplace else. I just hope it won't take too long.

With everyone helping, we have my belongings shifted to Janet's in a couple of hours. It's funny, but Jack's house looks kind of empty. Probably something to do with all the empty bookshelves. I want Jack to know that I've gone, that this house is his again. Alone for a few moments, I take one last look around. There's a throw rug draped along the back of the couch. It's mine. Jack and I used to wrap ourselves up in it when we went out stargazing. I reach out and touch it, letting my fingers run over the warm fabric, remembering those nights we spent up on the roof. Something tells me I should leave it here, so I don't pick it up. I wonder if Jack will even notice, but I can't leave his life completely, however much the circumstances require it.

This is a lot harder than I expected it to be. Jack and I just seemed to have got comfortable with each other...and then all hell broke loose. I know his words will haunt me for a long, long time. The worry that maybe I can't have children has been with me....ever since the miscarriage. This whole thing has made the longing even worse. I can hardly look at a child without getting misty eyed. My emotional state is fragile, to say the least. Which is one of the reasons Jack's words hurt me so much.

Janet has and apartment the other side of town, which is good. At least I won't accidentally run into Jack outside of work. It's not big, but it has two bedrooms, which means I have somewhere I can be alone. Right now I need the solitude...I lie in the small single bed and stare at the ceiling, wishing Jack was with me.

* * *

I'm damn glad I didn't pick the short straw. Seeing Jack is not an option. Three steps inside the door and I'll try to rip his clothes off. It's only been a week and I miss him like mad. I keep telling myself that there's nothing I can do... that I've just got to go on as if life is normal... well as near to normal as it ever gets.

Daniel was the one who got to see Jack. From all accounts it wasn't a pleasant encounter. No one can figure out what's going on with him. They all seem to be putting it down to his extended stay on Edora. Even so, I can't help feeling jealous when he announces his decision to return. Makepeace was the first one to find out and he happily spread the news around the SGC. He and Jack have never gotten along well. Their dislike is something deeper than just the habitual rivalry between airforce and marines... and the feeling is mutual.

Makepeace has been given command of SG1. An appointment that none of us is very happy with. It should have been Kowalski, everyone knows that. It doesn't matter that he's still a major. SG1 would die for Charlie but I think they'd happily stand by and watch Makepeace burn. I know the Colonel has been bad mouthing his team, which doesn't endear him to me any further. He calls Teal'c the Jaffa...as if he doesn't have another name...and he has no patience with Daniel. I'm surprised Kowalski hasn't got himself court-martialled yet. He isn't the most... tactful of officers.

Watching Jack step through that gate was probably the most difficult thing I've ever done. I stood there like a good little soldier. I even saluted him. He didn't even look back, just took his stuff and went. No words, nothing, I just hope Edora doesn't prove too distracting.

I think everyone expects me to break down. When I get back to Janet's, she's bought just about every kind of ice cream in the store and rented half a dozen videos. I try to enter into the spirit of what she's doing, but all I want is my bed. The strain of all this is really starting to show. I'm so tired I barely make it through the first film. In the end I just have to excuse myself and go to bed. It feels strange to sleep alone. There's something missing. Or should I say someone/ It's worse now that I know he's gone back to Edora. I just hope Laira wasn't there to meet him.

My engagement ring rests on the bedside table. I never gave it back to him although by rights I should have. I should have thrown it in his face. That would have been a great scene. I could have done that in the briefing room. Or would that have been too melodramatic? It's a fine line we have to walk here. I don't particularly want to be brought up on charges and, until he retired, Jack was still a superior officer.

Several days go by and there's no word from Jack. I didn't expect there to be. SG1 have been on several missions with Makepeace as their CO. I don't think that team is going to stay together very long. Kowalski has already put in for a transfer. Teal'c and Daniel aren't so lucky. The only thing they can do is quit the SGC and Makepeace hasn't pushed them that far...but I feel it's only a matter of time. Even my own team has been adversely affected. I have to admit I've been a little distracted. Worse than that, there's never anyone to share our downtime. SG1 have started to keep very much to themselves, which is a bad sign. I'm scared they're going to try something stupid.

"Remember we're going to O'Malley's on Thursday," Janet is saying. She has this bizarre habit of planning what we're going to do days beforehand, rather than just letting things happen. It's starting to get annoying. I don't like my life to be quite this organised. I'm starting to wish that I'd just moved into a hotel.

"Sam... ?" she questions.

"Sorry Janet I was just..."

"Thinking about Jack?"

"I guess."

"Sam, he's gone. You have to accept that and move on. I hate to sound like a cliché but there are plenty more fish in the sea."

"None of them like Jack."

"Which you should probably be grateful for. There are loads of guys on the base who would kill for a date."

I wondering if she ever really approved of my relationship with Jack. She certainly seems dead set on getting me to start dating someone else.

"How about Simmonds?" she goes on.

"He follows me around like a puppy dog. I'd be scared of stepping on him."

"Davis?"

"Too old."

"Fishman."

"Married."

"Unauthorised Off-world activation... unauthorised off-world activation...!"

The sound of the alarm interrupts our conversation before Janet can set me up with half the men on this base. I'm certain she'd have me out on a date every night of the week if she could. Janet is of the opinion that, if you fall off a horse you should climb right back on. I think that goes a long way to explain her attitude to medicine.

"Gotta go," I tell her.

My presence isn't exactly needed in the Gateroom, but it seems like a good excuse. Besides, I have this funny feeling... When I get there I find that the Stargate has been activated and the iris isn't in place. The room is full of SF's, who are cuffing the men and women who are coming through the 'gate. Standing there, one arm still in the event horizon is Jack. As the last man comes through he pulls his arm back and starts down the ramp. I don't think he's seen me, I'm standing just outside the door watching the scene unfold.

"Give me one of those things," Jack says to Makepeace.

"Here," the other man replies, giving Jack one of the binders.

Big mistake... huge. Before Makepeace can react his arms have been bound behind his back.

"What the hell are you doing?" he protests.

"That would be my job," Jack replies and walks away from the man.

By this time General Hammond has made it to the Gateroom, and Jack goes to stand next to him.

"Ladies and Gentlemen I'm pleased to announce that you are all under arrest for high crimes against the United States and her allies," Hammond announces.

As we stand there two members of the Tollan delegation come in.

"You really blew it O'Neill!" Makepeace spits.

"Oh I think it came out quite nicely, don't you, General?" Jack replies, the traces of a smile hovering about his lips.

"Yes I do," Hammond agrees.

"You have no idea how high up this goes," Makepeace goes on, "You pissed off the wrong people."

"Like the Tollan, the Tok'ra, the Nox?" Jack questions

"They refuse to give us the things we need to defend ourselves!"

"We don't need their stuff, Makepeace, but we do need them."

"Get them out of here," Hammond says.

The SF's drag the unwilling prisoners away. Makepeace makes a lunge towards Jack, but is immediately restrained. I'd say Jack has made a lifelong enemy there. Not that Makepeace will be seeing the light of day for quite a while. I always suspected there was something a little 'off' about him, but I can't say I'm glad to have my suspicions confirmed.

"So, just to clarify, this whole past week. Beginning with the appeal we made on Tollana ...for which I did a lot of hard work by the way. I take it that was all a scam?" Daniel asks when the Gateroom has been cleared.

"Within the last two weeks the Asgard and the Tok'ra approached us independently of each other, with evidence that we were stealing technology form them," Hammond starts to explain.

"We?" Kowalski wants to know. "The SGC?"

"Yes, the Asgard the Tollan and the Nox were going to sever all ties with us. But we convinced them the thefts must be the action of a rogue group from outside the SGC."

"We insisted that you apprehend them yourselves. You have now regained our trust," one of the Tollans adds. She graciously inclines her head towards Jack, who returns the gesture.

"So you set that whole thing up on Tollana in the hopes that the mole would think you were one of them and approach you?" Daniel goes on.

"And you didn't think you could trust us to help?" Kowalski complains.

"We wanted to assure that your reaction to the Colonel's behaviour was as it should be. And the Asgard insisted that Colonel O'Neill be the only one involved."

"They like me," Jack adds.

"And now, will you come with me, your eminence?"

General Hammond politely escorts the two women from the room. I get the feeling that this affair isn't quite over. The Tollans are going to insist that there is no possibility of these events repeating themselves.

Only SG1 and myself remain in the Gateroom. Jack is standing at the bottom of the ramp, he spreads his arms and takes a step towards us...

"I'm back," he announces.

The rest of his team just stare at him. I can't say I really blame them. Jack's eyes move to meet mine and, very slowly, I walk towards him.

"Miss me?" he asks.

"Oh yeah," I smile back and let him put his arms around me.

I relax in his embrace, burying my head into his shoulder.

"Wait a second.... you knew about this?" Kowalski says, suddenly.

He's a bright boy...some of the time. I pull back from Jack and we turn to meet the accusing stares of the rest of his team.

"What, you think I'd go through this without letting Sam know what was going on?" Jack grins.

I smile back at him, remembering that night at the movies when Jack used the cover of darkness to pass me a letter. Hammond hadn't wanted to let me in on the scam, but Jack refused to have a part of it unless I was informed. He seemed to think that losing me was more important than the safety of Earth. Trouble is, I think it's going to be a long time before the rest of the guys forgive us...especially Daniel. He really bore the brunt of Jack's performance.

"For what it's worth, I'm sorry I had to lie to you guys. If it had been up to me..." he says.

"We are not helping you move Sam's stuff back," Kowalski interrupts.

"You moved everything out?"

"Yeah," I admit. "I thought it should look realistic."

"All those books?"

"Every single one."

Jack gives a groan and pulls me closer to his side. I press a kiss to his lips and move away.

"I'll see you at home," I tell him.

It's going to be a long debriefing. Besides, I think he needs some time alone with his team. He has one hell of a lot of explaining to do. At the very least they're going to want a blow by blow account of everything that happened.

As for me I'm going home, to Jack's. My stuff can wait. I just want to sit on my couch, drink a glass of my wine and sleep in my own bed.

* * *

Jack's home earlier than I expected. He brings pizza and we sit in front of the fire eating it. This is where we first made love. We seem to have come one hell of a long way since then. Even so some of the things Jack said while he was undercover can't help but prey on my mind. I know he didn't mean any of it but the words rang a little bit too true. Maybe I'm just being too sensitive. I know that we had to fool everyone, but I couldn't help feeling that our arguments were a little too realistic. It's probably just the children thing. If Jack had mentioned anything else I probably wouldn't have been so shaken.

"Coffee?" Jack asks me as we finish the pizza.

"No thanks, I don't want to be awake all night," I reply.

"Why not?"

He grins at me and I can't help laughing. Looks like he's missed something else over this past week.

"Decaff then," I smile back.

As Jack goes out to the kitchen, he dims the lights. I like the way this room looks in firelight. It's warmer somehow, definitely romantic. While Jack's making the coffee, I burn the pizza box. The flames change colour, briefly. Jack brings back my coffee and sits down beside me, pulling me back into his arms. I lean back against him, enjoying the warmth of the flames.

"You OK?" he asks me.

"Yes," I reply. "Why?"

"I thought you might have been mad at some of the things I had to say. You know I didn't mean any of it. Especially the stuff about... well, you know... kids."

I can't look at him, so I stare into my coffee, hoping that it will tell me how to cope with this particular conversation.

"It happens, you know...more than people realise," I say.

"Sam..."

"I mean it's not unusual or anything....."

"What I'm trying to say is... we can try again, whenever you're ready."

"Jack... what if I can't have children?"

"There are other options. Besides, the Doc said there's no reason why you can't have kids. You know that."

"Maybe I don't believe it?"

I hardly realise that I'm shouting. Jack wraps his arms around me and muffles the sound against his chest.

"Shhhh," he tells me, "It's going to be OK, Sam. I'm back and I'm never going to leave you again."

Until I get pregnant again, I don't think there's a chance I'm going to believe him.

He's kissing me in that way he has. Soft, erotic kisses that are a prelude to making love. Anyone would think we hadn't been together for months. I know this conversation is far from over, but I can't help responding to him. While he was away I stopped taking the pill... fingers crossed.


	10. Next Steps

The worse thing about these tests is the waiting. I mean why does it take so long? There has to be a way to speed up the process. I mean if I spend much longer in the bathroom someone's going to come looking for me. I knew I should have waited until I got home but I just couldn't. Look at me ... five days late and I'm reaching for the pregnancy test. Janet doesn't think I'm doing myself any good. She's probably right. Some parts of this trying for a baby thing are fun. The anticipation, however, I could definitely do without. I confessed to Jack that I'd stopped taking the pill. He wants to wait until we're married, but I can't do that. I think I managed to bring him around to my point of view. Let's face facts, what man is gonna refuse when a woman orders him to have sex?

It's not that he doesn't want kids, but I think he's a little nervous. I am too. There's a chance I might miscarry again but if we don't try I'll never find out. Never give up, that's what my Dad always told me.

C'mon...C'mon... I'm due in the Gateroom but I can't go off world without knowing. If there's a chance that I am pregnant I doubt Janet will let me go through the 'gate...not for the first three months anyway.

We seem to have been trying for months, even though it's barely four since Jack did his little undercover stunt. It could be that I'm expecting too much too soon. The first time was an accident, I can't see why it should take so long when we're actually planning this. It's not that much to ask, is it? I mean hundreds of kids are born all of the time, why can't I have one? I know I'm getting obsessed with this. Janet keeps on telling me that it will take time and patience ... and love. Sometimes I wonder if Jack loves me as much as he says he does. I don't know why. Maybe it's this constant fear that I won't be able to give him what he wants. Some part of me can't forget the other women who have shared his life...they all seemed very different from me....

But they don't have him....and I do....several times a week. I can't help smirking at that thought. Mmmmm...My pleasant thoughts are interrupted by the sound of someone entering the bathroom. Damn, I was hoping for a little privacy. It makes things easier when you break down and cry. Curious, I peep through the crack in the stall door. It's Janet with someone I've never seen before. She's tall, blond, and she's wearing some kind of outfit that looks like...well...there isn't that much of it. I'm not endeared to her any further by the fact that the first words out of her mouth,

"Dr. Fraiser? Regarding Colonel O'Neill?"

"What about him?" Janet replies.

"He is an...intriguing man."

"I'm not certain I understand?"

The other woman just smiles... but it's an expression I recognise. She has the hots for my man! I can see her preening in front of the mirror. If she thinks she has a chance... Then I look at her again. She has all the attributes that I know Jack finds attractive...and a figure to die for. God, I wish I looked like that...I wish I had the guts to wear that outfit on the base. Then again, it wouldn't be exactly practical when it came to doing anything apart from posing. And I doubt it could beat that little blue negligee I bought as a surprise for Jack.

"A little word of advice," I hear Janet begin.

"I value your opinion, doctor."

"Colonel O'Neill is engaged."

"His is bound to another?"

"Yes"

The woman doesn't reply, but I don't like the sound of the silence that follows. I take another look and see her preening herself in front of the mirror. Why is it that these women always seem to be attracted to Jack? Not that he's bad looking, but Daniel never seems to have the same effect.....and most of the female staff here are swooning over him. I mean I know what attracted me to Jack, but that took time. Maybe it's the way he looks at them ... yeah I've noticed his eyes rove from time to time. He has this kind of bad boy expression.

I look through the door again. With one last glance in the mirror, the strange woman leaves, trailing Janet behind her. Somehow I get the feeling that the two of them aren't going to get on very well.

Alone again I turn my attention back to my test. It should have changed colour by now. I fight the sinking feeling as I realise the reason why it's not telling me what I want to know. I'm not pregnant ... not this time. Part of me just wants to sit down and howl, but I haven't got time for that. I have a mission to lead. Of course this means I'm probably going to end up with stomach cramps while I'm off-world ... oh joy... Must stop by the infirmary and pick up some more Advil. The guys will have to wait.

I jog all the way to Janet's office, arriving slightly out of breath and not really prepared to find that strange woman with her hand down Jack's shirt. She has a good feel while she's down there, and it's all I can do to stop myself hitting her.

"Sam!" Jack notices me lingering by the door.

"What's going on here?" I ask, my voice sounds very cold.

"Freya, this is Lieutenant Colonel Carter," Janet introduces us.

Freya just nods and returns to her examination of Jack. For the first time I notice he has some strange kind of band on his right forearm. It's alien technology, but why is Jack wearing it?

"Jack...what is that?" I ask him.

Freya replies for him. Telling me how the Tok'ra found these devices and how they're supposed to give the wearer superior strength and speed.

"Is this safe?" I have to ask.

"I will be monitoring the subjects life signs most carefully," Freya attempts to reassure me...but that's my boyfriend she's talking about. I don't like this. I don't like this at all.

"Don't worry Sam," Jack grins at me, "I'm going to be faster, stronger... and sexier... if that's possible."

"Really?"

I raise an eyebrow at Jack's bold statement but I don't think he's exactly enamoured with this situation. He stands and flexes his right hand.

"I don't feel any different," he says.

"The effects will take time to become apparent," Freya replies.

I suddenly remember what I came here for, and turn back to Janet,

"Jan, can you slip me some Advil?" I ask.

"Cramps?" she asks.

"Yeah...not yet, but while I'm off-world."

Jack looks at me and I shake my head. I didn't tell him that I was late, but he probably guessed. Wonderful man that he is, he doesn't say anything and pulls me into his arms. Sometimes, Jack isn't too good with words, but his actions say all that I want. I bury my head against his shoulder, inhaling the scent of him. He's wearing that cologne I got him for Christmas.

"Colonel O'Neill, if you will accompany me. I need to conduct further tests," Freya is not making herself anymore popular here.

"It can wait," Jack snaps back.

"No, it's all right," I smile, gently pulling out of his arms. "I have to go."

"Are you sure you're OK?"

"Yeah." I reach up and kiss him, a little more passionately than I usually would given the fact that we have an audience. Jack gasps into my mouth and clutches at me, somehow oblivious of the other people in the room. I can't help smiling as I feel him against me, but I have to pull myself away...

"See you in a couple of days," I tell him.

I leave the infirmary, with my pain killers, while Freya is shaking her head over the sudden jump in Jack's pulse rate.

* * *

OK so I'm cranky. I admit it, it's been a real effort to control my temper especially given the fact we've spent the last two days crouched in the pouring rain, watching a team of archaeologists orgasmically expounding over their latest finds. It would have been slightly more bearable if Daniel had been one of them, but he'd also been dragged into that dubious experiment of Freya's. As it was I had to deal with that idiot Rothman, which didn't help the state of my temper.

Now all I want to do is go home, have a hot bath, a cup of tea and a massage. Jack gives the greatest back rubs. I close my eyes and revel in the thought for a second. Lying on the bed, Jack moving oil slicked hands up and down my naked back, the scent of lavender, the flicker of candles...pure heaven.

But no! Like that's going to happen when Jack, Daniel and Kowalsky have taken it into their heads to go off on some unauthorised mission. Seems those armbands weren't as benign as Freya claimed. In addition to the increased strength etc. it appears that the alien technology has triggered some interesting behavioural anomalies. For a start Jack and I are never going to be able to dine at O'Malley's again. So, instead of going home to my bath, tea and massage, I have to go save SG1's collective butts. Their bodies are rejecting the armbands and if that happens while they're in Goa'uld territory... If anything happens to Jack I'm going to personally beat crap out of every dyed hair and silicone implant. She knew this would happen. Freya planted the idea for this mission in their heads, knowing that they'd be unable to resist the chance to show off their "super powers". They're such... Men!!!

I barely have time to change before I'm waiting to go through the 'gate again. The rest of my team has some much needed downtime, but I'm really trying not to think about that. Teal'c and I are loaded for bear. We have to be. Blame it on the armbands or on excessive testosterone but not one of them thought to take any weapons. Absolutely typical.

The area around the alien 'gate has been devastated. Whatever hit those Jaffa they aren't going to get up again. It's frightening. No man was ever meant to have that kind of power. I heard that Jack tipped Sergeant Siler over the stairs in the control room... nearly killed him, without even breaking into a sweat. All Jack could say was sorry.

"Lieutenant Colonel Carter, I believe it is this way," Teal'c gestures towards the huge great ship that dominates the horizon. As if I could possibly miss seeing it... but he's right to hurry me along. We have to get to them before the armbands fail. He breaks into a jog and I follow him, hoping that I can keep up. I'm breathless by the time we reach the ship. There is no opposition. SG1 have taken care of the guards here the same way they did at the 'gate. Finding them isn't difficult, we just have to follow the trail of bodies. I think I'm going to be sick. I'm not certain I even want to find Jack if he's stillcapable of doing this.

"Teal'c," I say.

"Yes."

"You hear something?"

It might be my imagination, but I swear I can hear the distinctive footfalls of serpent guards. I have a bad feeling about this.

"This way," I tell him.

To Teal'c's credit, he doesn't argue. He follows as I lead the way towards an intersection. I don't pause to think as I see the two guards. Teal'c shoots one and I get the other.

Daniel is flat on his back, the armband discarded by his side. Neither Jack or Kowalsky look so good. They're both sweating despite the fact that it isn't that hot in here. What has that woman done to them?

"It appears you required my assistance after all," Teal'c intones as we step around the corner.

Daniel is so weak that he can hardly stand. We help him up, but he leans heavily against Teal'c. There are more serpent guards on their way. With Daniel barely functional, it'll be a miracle if we get out of here.

"Take him," Jack orders. "Kowalsky and I will draw them off."

What! Has he gone completely mad? If their armbands fail they won't have a chance. I stand there gaping at him.

"Get going!" he commands.

"No! You have to come with us," I argue with him.

"Lieutenant Colonel I gave you a direct order!"

"I'm not leaving you."

"Carter!"

"Your superpowers are gonna get hit by kryptonite any second. What if you're trapped here?"

"That won't happen."

The rest of his team are standing open mouthed as I dare to argue with their commanding officer. I guess I'm giving them a good example of why I couldn't be under his direct command, but I'm not about to let him throw his life away.

"We all go or not at all," I finish.

Jack's eyes meet mine. He knows I'm serious about this. And it's not just because I love him...at least that's what I'm telling myself. This is a stupid risk he doesn't have to take. He glances at Kowalsky... who nods... and then they run away, leaving me standing there.

"OK Teal'c lets get out of here," I say, trying to hide the fact that Jack has just hurt me. I mean why should I care?

I lead the way out, not really caring if Teal'c is following or not. He's burdened by Daniel, but that doesn't seem to slow him down. When we reach the entrance, I can't help but pause, looking back over my shoulder to see if anyone is following us. The corridor remains empty. What do I do now? Should I stay?...but if I do that I'm as bad as Jack. I can't help myself. I can't just leave him. So we stand there, waiting for the ship to blow up.

* * *

"You're OK," Janet gives me a clean bill of health and I jump off of the bed.

Jack is sitting opposite me, looking at me with his best puppy dog eyes. I should be so mad at him. Hammond is blaming the alien technology for their behaviour, so I guess I should give him the benefit of the doubt. Besides, when it came to it I just couldn't bring myself to leave him. When did I get so dependent on Jack that I couldn't imagine my world without him? I used to pride myself on my self reliance. Growing up, I didn't need anyone. My father made certain of that. Now I look at Jack and I know that if he died, part of me would never recover and it's scaring me half to death.

I walk over to him and let him pull me into his arms.

"Sorry," he whispers.

"Accepted," I breathe back.

I turn my head so my lips are brushing the skin at the nape of his neck, just to let him know he's forgiven. Hmm...now what was I thinking? Jack can be so distracting. Freya's gone...good riddance! She's not the type of person I want hanging around. She's too manipulative. I wonder how far she would go to get what she wants?

Jack smells and tastes so good right now that I don't want to think about anything else. I think Janet wants to get us out of her infirmary, because she lets me take him home straight away. We wouldn't have started making out on the bed....much. Once we're away from the base he gives me what I've been longing for my back massage. And right now, keeping me happy is far more important than saving the world.


	11. Step Beneath

This isn't the time or the place to be ill. I swallow a cup of water in a vain attempt to keep my breakfast in my stomach. Maybe some more bread would help...but there's no chance of that. I've had my ration, and no one around here is going to give me any extra just because I don't feel so good. Sick workers aren't wanted. They tend to disappear... People are here one day and gone the next. Oh there's an infirmary of sorts, but workers that go there either get better or they don't. Most of the time it's night sickness... But I'm not night sick.

A siren sounds and the people around me start to move. Leaving it until the last possible moment, I attempt to stand up. My feet stay under me, but I can no longer suppress the urge to be sick. Pushing the other workers out of the way, I bolt towards the latrines. God, this is the third morning running. I sit down on the floor, too weak to move. This can't go on. Even if I manage to keep down the evening meal, it isn't enough to keep me working. And I'm getting so tired, it's all I can do to stay on my feet all day. Our rest period never seems long enough.

"Hey, you OK in there?" A male voice sounds from outside.

I don't answer. If I keep quiet he might go away. Male and female workers share these latrines, so I'm surprised that he hasn't just walked on in.

"Saw you run in here," he goes on. "If you don't hurry up, you're gonna be real late for your shift."

Curling up, I wrap my arms over my head, trying to make him go away. Who is he anyway? I vaguely recognise his voice, I think he's the guy who has the bunk opposite mine. I'd get up but I think I'm going to be sick again. And true to my instincts I start violently retching again, until all I can do is dry heave. I lie down on the floor, trying to regain my equilibrium. This is bad, the worst yet. I can't see any way that I can work today. What the hell am I going to do?

"Hey," his voice again, this time he's standing right over me.

"Go away," I snap at him.

"C'mon."

He ignores me, choosing instead to help me sit up, rubbing my back. I try and pull away from him, but he stops me by placing his other hand on my stomach. He's a tall man, well built, but not overly muscular. His closely cropped grey hair is mostly hidden beneath his hat, but his most distinguishing feature is his eyes. They're brown. Deep brown. Yes, I do recognise him, but his name escapes me for the moment. He's on my shift, and he seems to spend most of it staring at me. I shouldn't be surprised that he was the one to notice my hurried exit.

"Easy," he tells me. "I'm not going to hurt you."

"I'm OK."

"No you're not. I don't call throwing up your breakfast being OK. What's wrong?"

I don't answer, I can't. His hand is still on my stomach and he looks down in surprise, feeling what my baggy clothes have been hiding.

"You're pregnant!"

I hang my head in shame. Our population is strictly controlled. It has to be, given the fact that we're battling against an ice age. We only have limited resources. No one is going to spare food for a child. There are no children here. The community is supplemented with people from the mines. Physical contact between the sexes is strictly forbidden. Which doesn't stop some guys..... I can see the anger in his eyes. I know what he's thinking, but I wasn't raped.

"Who was it?" he demands.

"It wasn't like that......He died," I explain.

"Then why haven't you done something about it? If you don't they're going to terminate anyway."

"Because I don't want to?"

"Why not? How long do you think you can hide it?"

His whole attitude stinks and I forget the fact that I'm still feeling nauseous and pull away from his soothing hands.

"Thera!" he shouts after me.

But I ignore him. I should have been at work ten minutes ago and my anger is giving me the strength I need to get there. How could he say that? It bothers me that his opinion means so much. In a way he's right. If I give myself up they'll go alot easier on me. I could even tell them that it wasn't my fault....but every night I lie on my bed and feel this miracle growing inside of me. I know it's something I want very, very badly.

I was hoping that no one was going to notice me being late, but I'm not so lucky. Kagan sees me slip into the plant room. The expression in the darker woman's eyes is not friendly. For some unknown reason she hates me. She'll report me to the supervisor as soon as she gets the chance. I mumble my apologies to the rest of the guys on my team and start to work. The effort never seems to lessen or get easier. Sometimes I wonder why. I mean if this plant has been here for so long ,why hasn't anyone come up with a way to make this more efficient? Then maybe we could start to reclaim our planet.

He comes in a couple of minutes after I do. His station is across the way from mine and it's not long before I feel him staring at me again. Given the way I yelled at him, he's got every right to turn me in. I don't want to, but maybe I should apologise to him. There must be some way to persuade him to keep his mouth shut. When we're given our water break I queue up behind him.

"Um...," I begin, realising that I still don't know his name.

"Jonah," he supplies.

"Jonah ... right. About this morning."

"Forget about it."

Collecting his water ration, he moves away from me, choosing to sit against the far wall. Taking my own water I go and join him. My hands are shaking slightly, but I need his promise.

"Look, can you find your way not say anything, to anybody," I go on.

He looks at me, and I can tell he's still angry. But there's one thing I can offer him... I place my hand on his thigh, moving it slowly upwards.

"I can make it worth your while," I whisper.

Just because physical intimacy is forbidden, doesn't mean it doesn't happen. Sex for favours will never go out of fashion. I'm nervous, but I know I'll do it. At this point I'll do anything.

"So?" I prompt.

"Forget it," he snaps. "That's one thing I don't want from you. For what it's worth I wasn't going to tell anyone anyway."

Jona takes my hand, but only to remove it from his leg. He finishes his water in one gulp and goes back to work. I'm left there hanging my head in shame, my cheeks burning red. When I look up, it's to see Kagan, and she's talking to Brenna. I expected to be hauled up in front of her right there and then, but it didn't happen. So I'm left to work the rest day worrying.

Before the evening meal, I'm finally called into Brenna's office. She's usually a pretty reasonable woman, but I can tell she's disappointed in me. Under any other circumstances I could probably grow to like her. I'm a good worker, I know I am. I only hope that Brenna will take that into consideration.

"Kagan tells me you were late for your shift," she says.

"Yes," I reply. There's no point in denying it.

"Why were you late, Thera?"

"I wasn't feeling very well."

"What was wrong?"

"I was sick."

She looks up at me, but I can't meet her gaze.

"But I'm OK now," I finish. "And I worked extra time to catch up."

"I know. Which is why I am going to let you off with a warning. "

"Thank you."

"And if you have any other problems, come and see me first. You're a good worker Thera. I don't want to lose you."

Brenna's actively smiling at me now, and I know I've been lucky. I'll have to be much more careful in future.

"It's my honour to serve," I recite as she dismisses me.

The meal is almost over by the time I get back. I have to be satisfied by scrapings from the bottom of the pot and no bread. Eating it is almost enough to make me sick again, but I try to force myself. It was overly optimistic to think that Kagan would save me anything. The fact that Brenna has gone easy on me has given her all the more reason to hate me. Life here is enough of a fight without having to worry what my fellow workers are thinking. They're all staring at me. Next time I get called in to see Brenna I should probably act like I've been punished more severely.

In the end I can't finish my food and make my way to bed. If I get a few hours extra sleep, maybe I won't feel so bad in the morning. I'm not the only one in the bunk room. A few of the others have had the same idea. Somehow I'm not surprised to see that my bedding has been stolen but I lie down anyway. I'm too tired to fight... or even care. Despite the ice on the surface, it's not that cold down here. Even so, I miss the meagre comfort my blanket and pillow give me. Dreams are about the only escape from the prosaic reality of what we have to do here. When I dream I see him again. The man I love... at least that's who I think it is. I see him reach out to me, his blue eyes pleading. I see his body riddled by bullets. I feel him in my arms as he dies. Behind us is a ring of shimmering water...

When I wake, I'm not surprised to find tears running down my face. It's the middle of the night, no one else is awake... apart from Jonah. I look up and find him staring at me from the opposite bunk. Very slowly he reaches under his pillow and pulls out a slice of bread. He hands it to me... a peace offering. If I hadn't missed my last meal I would have been tempted to throw it back in his face as it is I take the bread and cram it into my mouth before someone else wakes up and takes notice. Stealing food is another of those rules that we're not supposed to break. Then I notice something else. My blanket and pillow are back in place. Jona just shrugs his shoulders when I glance at him. He doesn't seem to want sex, so what is he doing this for? Whatever, I realise that I'm grateful for his help. I nod my thanks and he smiles back at me.

* * *

Every day blurs into one. A week goes by, then another. Some people disappear, some join us... it's not a good idea to form emotional attachments. Even though I know that, I find myself spending more and more time in Jonah's company. It's not that I've ever thought of myself as someone who needed protecting , but two people can survive here easier than one. It's reassuring to have someone to watch my back. At first I was still very wary of him. He had something hanging over me and I didn't like it. True to his word, Jonah has never told anyone, so I've slowly come to trust him. I still don't know what he wants from me, but it could just be friendship but by doing so, Jonah hasn't endeared himself to some of the other workers. Kagan for one and that guy that's always running after her... what's his name? Carlin. It didn't happen overnight.

"So, why doesn't she like you?" he asks me, gesturing towards Kagan.

We're eating our evening meal. As usual she was very reluctant to give me my full portion, but Jona's hovering presence helped persuade her. So far she hasn't dared refuse me when he's beside me.

"She made a mistake and I spotted it," I reply.

"That's it?"

"Brenna was there."

"Oh."

"Kagan's rations were cut for two days, so you can see why I'm public enemy number one."

"It wasn't your fault."

"Maybe. I could have handled it better."

We finish our meal and head off into the plant. There's a couple of ideas I want to try out. Jonah keeps on telling me that I should get as much rest as possible, but I'm feeling so much better now. The morning sickness has abated for the time being although I still get really tired, especially when I put in these extra hours.

Reaching our destination, I start to move a pile of crates, only to have Jonah stop me. I stand back while he shifts them out of the way, then I'm crawling under the pump. There has to be some way to improve this system. Jonah stands patiently by, handing me my tools. It's easy for me to lose track of time. If I was alone here, I probably would have worked through the night. But I'm not allowed to do that. Eventually, I'm forced to squirm my way out and call it a night. My back is aching from too much time spent in a confined space, but it's a small price to pay. I've made alot of headway tonight. I really feel like I'm beginning to understand these machines.

I rub my sore muscles as I pick up my tools.

"Hey, C'mere a second," Jona says.

"What?"

"Sit down in front of me... that's right, now lean forward a little and rest your hands on my knees."

I do as he asks, feeling slightly stupid.

"Now, take your jacket off," he adds.

"Why?" I demand.

"Relax... It'll feel good, I promise."

Curious, I remove me jacket. Without it, no one could ever mistake the fact that I'm pregnant. I feel strangely naked, despite the fact I'm still wearing a vest. His long legs are stretched either side of mine, slightly bent. Jona touches my shoulders, hesitantly at first, but his hands grow more confident as he realises that I'm not about to run away. His fingers dig into my muscles, smoothing out the knots and soothing the aches. He's right, it does feel good. My whole body slumps forwards, like a piece of rag. I don't want him to stop.

"You OK?" he asks.

"Mmmm."

He chuckles at my incoherent reply, "Turn around a second."

Wondering what he has in store for me, I kneel in front of him and Jona mirrors my position. He rests his hands on my shoulders for a second before moving them to cup my face. I'm barely aware of what's happening as he bends towards me, covering my lips with his own. My eyes close instinctively as the pressure continues. He pulls my body closer to his own, but as he strives to deepen the kiss I can feel panic setting in... we're not allowed to do this. I'm not allowed to do this!

I struggle out of his arms...

"No," I hear myself gasp.

"Thera?" he questions.

I can't answer him, pulling on my jacket I turn and run. I'm so confused. There is a man that I love very much, but it mustn't be Jonah. His footsteps follow, but I know the plant far to well. Before long I'm alone.

I sink down, hugging my knees to my chest. Within my mind are confusing images, the man with blue eyes loving me... but then there's Jonah. His touch was so familiar but his eyes are brown. Just like...what is it? Some kind of food. It's square and hard and melts in the mouth. I remember the taste, very sweet and creamy. It's not something I've eaten in a long, long time but it's the colour of Jonah's eyes. He has beautiful eyes. I want to drown myself in them. What is happening to me? This is so, so wrong, but I can't help myself. I think I'm falling for him.

But I can't stay here, hiding in the dark. Eventually, I have to go. If I don't someone will come looking for me. I creep back to the sleeping area, crawling into my bed. Looking across I see that Jonah hasn't returned. I don't know if he's still looking for me or... What if something has happened to him? I mean to wait up until I see him, but I don't manage it. The next thing I know, the siren is sounding to wake us up. Jonah is back in his bunk, but he doesn't even look me as we go for breakfast. I didn't get any bread.

I feel like I've lost my best friend. But what he wanted was impossible.

It's three days before he talks to me again. And that's only because I got into a fight. I was working late, after the end of my shift and some guy thought he could grab me. Naturally, I fought back. He was bigger than me and he managed to get in a couple of good blows before I had a chance to react. Fighting came like second nature to me. He probably expected me to just give in, lie back and accept what he forced upon me. That isn't me. I started off by breaking a couple of his ribs. I had the element of surprised, but even so he would have overpowered me eventually. I was lucky that Jonah showed up when he did. The other man didn't even hang around long enough to get hit. Jonah has this reputation... I don't know how he got it. I think he's hurt a few people here.

Jonah helped me up and took me to the latrines. Taking a bowl of water and a rag, he started to clean me up. I had a nasty cut above one eye, and my mouth was bleeding. At first I was nervous about him touching me. I was scared that he might want more from me than I was prepared to give. He was nothing but gentle. Gaining more confidence, I went out of my way to be nice to him, and show him that I was still willing to be friends. Those days without his companionship were horrible. I missed looking up from my work and finding him smiling at me.

"I'm sorry," I whisper to him.

"What for?" he replies.

"You know...running away like that."

"Thera, you said no and I'm the kind of guy that'll accept that answer. Don't ever be scared of me."

"Then why haven't you been talking to me?"

"I haven't. You haven't been talking to me!"

We look at each other and laugh. Although in my case, it hurts a little more than I was expecting. He's washed the blood from my face, but I still look a mess.

"You sure you're OK?" he asks.

"Yeah."

"How about...?"

He gestures towards my stomach. I can't help but place my hands protectively over my abdomen. Jona notices the gesture and gently takes them away.

"Let me have a look," he offers.

In answer to his query I take off my jacket and raise my vest. His sensitive hands run over my exposed skin. It tickles and I squirm a little, starting to giggle.

"No giggling," he warns me. "There's no bruising, I think you're OK."

Then to my surprise he pulls me close, holding me,

"Oh, baby I've missed you," he mutters into my hair.

What did he call me? Since when have I been his child? I pull away from him. Jonah immediately backs off. Taking my hesitance as a refusal, he starts to apologise,

"It's OK," I tell him, "I was just a little surprised."

"I'm sorry," he repeats.

Actually, it felt kind of nice. As he helps me back to my bed, I find myself wondering what it would feel like to kiss him again.

* * *

I think today has been the worst yet. First off, Kagan was playing her usual games at breakfast. Jonah tried to force her to give me my bread and got into a fight with Carlin. Not that it would have been an even match. Although Carlin looks physically more muscular, Jonah is a better fighter. If he'd have been given the chance, Jonah would have beaten Carlin to a pulp. The only reason he didn't was the big man...Tor. He stopped them, pulled them apart. I guess sometimes the night sick can be useful. He said they knew each other, said they were friends...which proves just how nuts he is. And he called them different names. O'Neill? What kind of a name is that? They were lucky Brenna stepped in when she did.

I don't shower with the other women, given my condition I can't. Oh I have my excuses... extra work being one of them. But I was naive to think that I could hide forever. Usually I slip in late, when everyone else is in their bunks, so the last person I expected to see was Kagan. Part of me thinks she's been waiting for me. This morning's incident embarrassed her again. What could I do? She started it. I find myself wondering if I shouldn't just make my excuses and leave...but I really want to get clean. Our water rations aren't enough to allow us more than one shower a week and it's something I find myself looking forward to. The water is cold...icy even, but I relish the opportunity to be clean if only for a short while. So I hang around, hoping that she'll leave. I don't think I've put on that much weight. How can I when I work here? There's barely enough food to keep me and my baby healthy and I've never been fat. It all serves to accentuate the bulge. How many months has it been? I don't exactly know. I've lost count somewhere along the way.

Kagan is taking her time. I don't realise why she's doing it until several of the other women enter the shower room. Before I can react, they grab me, forcing me to the ground, but I make sure it takes all six of them. Two of them sitting on my legs, the others holding my arms. Even so, I squirm away as Kagan tries to pull up my jacket.

"Not so fast," she tells me, hitting me across the face.

"Let me go!" I scream at them.

Why are they doing this? I haven't done anything to hurt any of them.

"Now let's see what you've been hiding from us," she goes on.

She rips open my jacket and the evidence is before her. The swelling of my stomach is more obvious than when Jonah first noticed. I close my eyes against what I think is going to be a tirade of abuse... but Kagan just laughs. I know she'll use this against me as soon as she gets the opportunity. At her signal the other women let me go.

"So little miss perfect got herself in trouble?" Kagan sneers. "Who was it? Jonah?"

"He has nothing to do with this!" I shout.

"Really?"

"If you say anything..."

"Why? What are you going to do?"

My threat is an empty one and she knows it. I won't have Jonah fight my battles for me. I can deal with this. I will deal with this

"Please Kagan..."

I can't believe I'm actually begging. They're all laughing at me now...kneeling here, my hands clutching at Kagan's clothes. With contempt, she pushes me away and I fall back on the floor. I'm forced to curl myself into a ball as a flying kick hits me in the stomach, followed by another and another. I take it all in silence. Unwilling to give them the satisfaction of hearing me scream. Then suddenly I find myself alone again. The unnatural silence is broken as I start to sob.

Eventually, I have to move. I pick myself up and stagger into the shower, removing my clothes as I do so.

Turning on the water I plunge under the freezing spray. I imagine Kagan is with Brenna right now. Or maybe she'll wait...and get a kick out of watching me sweat. I'm not going to tell Jonah about this. He'll only want to do something about it and I don't think that would be a good idea. Of course I could always do the sensible thing and turn myself in. As I crawl back to my bed, I realise that's something I'll never do. If these women want to get a kick out of torturing me, fine. As long as I can keep my baby I don't care what they do to me.

I've never really made any plans about what I'm going to do if I do manage to carry this child to term. In the back of my mind I was thinking about disappearing into the caves, stealing what food we need. It may not be much of a life but it would better than the one I have here. The only thing I'd miss would be Jonah.

Sleep does not come easily to me and when I do my dreams are troubled. I see that shimmering circle of water again. This time I'm not holding a man that's bleeding to death. I'm walking towards the circle, Jonah is one side of me and Carlin on the other. Somebody shouts and we turn around. Two other figures are behind us; Tor and another man. I wake sweating, trying my best not to cry out. There's something very wrong here. These dreams... they seem so real. And Jonah... he's now in every dream, even if the others are absent.

My body is black and blue the next day, but they haven't left bruises in any places that will notice. I'm also very, very stiff. Jonah wonders why I'm limping and I tell him I slipped in the shower. He doesn't believe me, but I'm feeling too sick to argue with him. I skip breakfast all together and go straight to work.

* * *

It's been six days and I'm still here. Kagan is waiting for something, but I don't know what. I'm moving very carefully, trying not to do anything that will send her running to Brenna... which I guess is what she wanted. I've even been keeping away from Jona. Well, I would have done if he would have let me, but he's a hard man to get rid of. I don't really know why I even tried. He's almost like a part of me now. A part of me that's sometimes annoying, sometimes sweet and always by my side.

Tor came back to work yesterday. No one knows where he's been, but he doesn't seem to be night sick anymore. He doesn't remember breaking up the fight or calling Jona and Carlin by those weird names. I don't know if he's telling the truth or not. He was always a quiet man and you can't read anything from his facial expressions. Then there's that thing on his head. I've heard him say that it's a birthmark, but it's a weird one. Whoever heard of a gold birthmark? And then there's the fact that I've been dreaming about him. If I were to believe those dreams I don't belong here at all but I do belong with Jonah.

What is happening here? There's something so wrong. One of the stabilisers blew out. I had some ideas about how to fix it and Brenna was really excited. Then the next day she called me into her office and said that we couldn't make the improvements. Nothing makes sense anymore. What could be so wrong about making our lives just that little bit better? Perhaps Jonah is right and I have to work into the big stuff. Or maybe he did handle dangerous explosives in a previous life. I'm so frustrated I don't know which way to turn. I just want to cry.

Jonah tries to calm me down. He lets me rant, then takes me to an out of the way corner where we can sit together. I lean against him, trying to draw on some of his strength. If Jona wonders at my sudden need to touch him, he doesn't comment. My hands are cold and I worm them under his jacket. Just to warm them up, of course. Beneath my fingers I can feel the ridges of hard muscle across his stomach, a dusting of hair. He's looking at me with those gorgeous eyes that are almost black in the dim light. What am I doing? This is the time to remember that I am pregnant and therefore fat. He's not going to want me. But he's still staring at me.

"Thera?" he questions.

"I'm sorry," I whisper, realising that I've embarrassed myself. Just because he kissed me once doesn't mean that he wants to do it again.

"Hey, it's OK."

No it isn't. Nothing is. I feel like... Feel like what? These emotions are familiar but I can't tell from where. An awkwardness that I associate from youth...but I can't remember being young.

"Thera," he repeats. "Look at me."

"Jonah, I....."

I what? I want you? I need you? I love you? When the hell did that happen? How did I let it? I love this man. He puts a finger to my lips, stopping me from saying anything else. Then he smiles and I feel like I'm about to melt. All my anger and frustration has gone. I don't know how, but Jonah can always manage to calm me down. He doesn't even have to say anything, just his presence is enough.

"Turn around," he tells me.

I do as he asks, automatically stripping to my vest. This time it's not his hands that caress my back and neck. I feel his lips, soft, warm, wet. My eyes close and I lean into him, turning my head so his mouth makes contact with mine.

"See, I told you," the voice is cold, full of derision.

Jonah and I leap apart, but it's too late. Brenna is standing there, Kagan at her side. I hastily pull my jacket on.

"Listen, I can explain," Jonah begins.

"Brenna, please. This is all a mistake," I plead.

But it's useless, she can't deny the evidence of her own eyes.

"Come with me," Brenna orders.

We have no choice but to go with her. There are several of the larger workers to make sure we do just that. Jonah tries to take my hand, but I won't let him. I'll take the blame for this if I can. There's no point in both of us being punished. They're going to take my baby and there's no a damn thing I can do about it.

There's another man in her office. One I've never seen before. He looks as if he really doesn't want to be here, as if the very fact that he's walking on the floor is contaminating him in some way.

"Well, Brenna?" he questions.

"I'm sorry administrator. We had no idea that Lieutenant Colonel Carter was pregnant, but we will terminate immediately."

Carter? I look over at Jonah. Who is she talking about? He shrugs.

"No," the man says, "Take them outside."

"Outside?" Brenna repeats.

"You heard me."

"They'll die!"

"So? You have given me enough evidence to suspect that the memory stamp is fading."

"What about Jackson, Teal'c and Kowalski?"

"Leave them. Your reports suggest that their work is still good."

"It may only be a matter of time."

"Then you will deal with them. For the moment we need all the workers we can. Now follow my orders....unless you want me to find someone else to fill this position."

His voice is cold and I shrink closer to Jonah. Why is Brenna giving in so easily?

"It is my honour to serve," she mumbles.

We're dragged away by uniformed men. Jonah tries to stop them but is beaten for his pains. I can see the other workers watching us, Kagan is smirking, Tor remains impassive and Carlin... I can actually see concern in his eyes. One man moves to help us, only to be struck down by the guards. For some crazy reason he's trying to protect us. Jonah wraps his arms about me. There's really no point in trying to hide anything anymore. The signal he's giving to the others is clear. He loves me and he doesn't care who knows about it. He's telling them this isn't wrong.

They take us through a system of caves that lead upwards. It's confusing. Even if we were able, I don't think we'd ever find our way back. A thick iron door protects the entrance and the sound of it slamming behind us signs our death warrant. Our padded jackets offer little protection. We huddle together in the entrance way for a while, but in the end we have to move. Neither of us know if there's anything other than snow and ice over the horizon, but we have to find out.

Walking isn't too difficult at first. The sky is clear for the moment and the air, although icy, is still. As time goes on our pace slows, as we get colder and colder. I huddle closer to Jonah, trying to steal some of his warmth. I think I've come to accept the fact that I'm going to die, that I'm never going to give birth to this child. However, long we walk for, the view never changes. Snow...snow....and more snow. The wind picks up and clouds form on the horizon. The temperature drops even further as the sun dips. I know I can't walk any further. Jonah would probably be good for a few miles but he won't leave me here.

At least we'll die together... and we'll die free.

"Or not!" Jonah shouts.

I remember him saying that before. I remember looking up and seeing our salvation, but this time...

"C'mon, Thera, get up," he urges. "Hey...over here!"

He's standing and waving, shouting words that my brain refuses to hear. There's a warm comfortable place waiting for me and I surrender.

* * *

"Jonah?"

The mattress beneath me is soft, the sheets smooth and clean.

"Jonah?"

I sit up, looking for him.

"Sam? Sam honey, lie back down."

I shake my head, where's Jonah? If I'm alive maybe ... The woman doesn't see to want to take no for an answer. She gently encourages me to lie down.

"My baby?" I ask her.

"You're both fine," she reassures me.

"Where's Jonah?"

"Oh...you mean Colonel O'Neill? I'll get him for you."

That name again. I shake my head, trying to clear the fuzz from my mind. She called me Sam,which for some reason seems more familiar than my own name. If I'm Sam then Jonah is...

"Jack?"

"I think so."

He looks tired. Jonah... Jack takes the seat next to my bed and reaches out to take my hand. I hesitate for a second,

"It's OK," he tells me, "Apparently we're engaged."

"Oh... Oh !"

I smile when I realise what that means. I reach down to touch my swollen stomach and look back at him.

"Yeah," he grins. "We were supposed to get married a week ago, but I guess we kind of missed that."

A week ago...I remember now. I went out and got a special dress. It was white and very beautiful. The fabric was so smooth it seemed to be part of my skin. The short woman, Janet, was with me, saying that I had a nerve to wear white. Jack kept on trying to see it, but I wouldn't let him.

"The others?" I ask.

"We're going to get them out," he reassures me.

I struggle to climb out of bed to join him, but Janet stops me.

"Not so fast, I want you under observation for at least twenty-four hours."

"What about Jack!" I demand.

"He's not pregnant."

"It's not fair."

"Sam, you're showing signs of exhaustion, malnutrition and you have some very interesting bruising... you are going to stay here until I say so."

Jack just smirks. He bends close and kisses me, "See you later, honey. Love you."

"Jack."

"What?"

"You have to save all of them."

"I will."

I have his promise and I know he'll honour it. There's a whole race of people down there and I know we have to help them. It's all coming back now. The Stargate, the domed city...everything.

"Now just relax," Janet tells me. "Jack will be back before you know it."

I hope so. After all we have a wedding to rearrange. And we can't leave it much longer or I won't fit into the dress. For some reason it all seems a little trivial after what we've been through. At least Jack and I managed to find each other. Which brings to mind the man I used to see in my dreams... the man dying in my arms. Who was he? Someone I cared about, but not someone I loved. No doubt I'll remember eventually.

One of the nurses brings me a meal. Since all I've eaten for the past few weeks is gruel and bread, it tastes like heaven. With my stomach full, I succumb to sleep. When I next wake the infirmary lights are dimmed and I'm not alone in the bed. With Jack's arms around me I finally realise that I'm home.


	12. New Steps

I think I like being pregnant.

Smoothing the fabric of my gown over my stomach, I regard my profile in the mirror. Janet and I had to take this dress apart and put it back together again, but I think the effort was worth it.

By the time we got back from that ice planet, I was too fat to fit in my wedding dress so it was either do the alterations or go out and buy a new one. Janet's actually a pretty good seamstress. She says that sewing up people is the same as sewing up dresses...which should probably worry me.

We took the opportunity to alter the design a little. I've never had much in the way of a bust, but now I do, I want to make the most of it. And Jack likes it...in fact, Jack seems to like everything about my pregnancy, which is one of the reasons I'm so happy. I can't feel fat and unattractive when he's around me. There's so many little things he does to make me comfortable with this. I protested at first, but he said he missed most of Sara's pregnancy... That was all he had to say. He hasn't mentioned Charlie much, but I know he has some worries about being a father again. I know he'll be great. I've seen him with other kids and I just know he'll be wonderful with his own.

"So, how does it feel?" Janet asks me.

"Perfect," I reply, twirling in front of her.

"Jack's going to flip."

"I certainly hope so."

The fabric is shear and soft and drapes softly over my bump (that Jack has recently christened Arbuthnot Caractacus, for some reason). We lowered the neckline and it now reveals a nice expanse of cleavage. I'm going to dab a spot of perfume there, just for Jack to find on the honeymoon. The crowning glory has to be the skirt. Janet took the dress away and she and Cassie spent two weeks embroidering pale blue roses all over it. I never knew she was so talented. I'm going to have roses in my bouquet and more in my hair. There's not a lot else I can do with it now. I was growing it for the wedding, but it got cropped short while we were working in the plant.

Everyone's been so sweet. Having missed our first wedding date, everything has had to be done in a rush. General Hammond found us a church, Kowalski has made the cake (!!!), and Ferretti's wife is going to ice it. One of Janet's nurses has volunteered to do the flowers... it seems like everyone on the base has a stake in getting Jack and I to walk up that aisle. They should have, it's been a long journey. A long, very sweet journey.

"Sam!"

It's Jack's voice, he's home early.

"Quick, Janet," I urge, "he mustn't see me."

Between us we manage to get me out of the dress and bundle it back into the bag. I can hear Jack's footsteps on the stairs. We're giggling like mad by the time he finds us. He just gives us an indulgent smile. It seems I can get away with anything while I'm in this condition and I admit I'm taking advantage of him at every opportunity. Although sending him out at 3AM to find onion bagels was probably pushing things a little.

He crosses the room to take me in his arms, planting one kiss on my forehead and another on my bump. I wriggle slightly in his grasp, making him hold me tighter.

"Would you two get a room!" Janet exclaims.

Jack laughs but he doesn't let go. She knows it's time to leave us alone and we see her to the door.

I don't think I've ever seen Jack so happy... I don't think I've ever been so happy. We're going to be parents! The very thought is mind blowing. Our friends are very indulgent of our little displays of affection. Although General Hammond did go a strange shade of purple when Jack grabbed me in his office. We weren't going to do anything... honest. Janet does occasionally joke that, if I'm not careful, she's going to ban me from having sex. I'd like to see her try.

Losing our memories, being trapped below ground, brought subtle changes to Jack and I. The fact that we found each other, learned to love each other all over again...it takes my breath away when I think about it. Every doubt I ever had was swept away. I know that we're meant to be together... forever.

"So you guys are all set?" Jack asks.

"Yeah, Janet finished the dress last night," I reply.

"Can't wait to see you wear it."

"You can't wait to take it off, you mean?"

"That too."

"Not long now."

He gives a sigh and buries his face in my neck.

"You think we'll make it?" he whispers into my hair.

"Jack, we have three days to go. What could possibly go wrong? The only mission you have is test flying that glider with Teal'c."

"You're right."

"I usually am."

We're both a little apprehensive. It seems that just as everything gets perfect something bad happens. But what could possibly go wrong with a simple little test flight?

* * *

Jack is so looking forward to flying in the X301. He's like a small kid this morning, too excited to eat any breakfast. I managed to make him drink a cup of coffee which was probably a mistake, because it only made him more hyperactive. He's very possessive of that glider. Something to do with the fact that it's the one we brought back from Apophis' ship. Jack honestly thinks it's his. Sometimes he can be so... so... male.

For once, he's ready to go to work ages before I am. Not that it does him any good... don't move as fast as I used to.

"Sam!"

He's shouting up the stairs.

"In the bathroom!" I yell back.

"Again?"

"Pregnant, remember!"

"We have to go!"

"So do I!"

"I'm going to get the car started."

I hear the front door slam and a few seconds later, the car starts. Sighing to myself, I finish as quickly as I can and join Jack outside. He gives me a look as if to say 'about time' but he knows better than to voice his opinion. After all, I didn't get this way by myself, Jack did have something to do with it. Quite a lot to do with it actually, when I remember how long we were trying.

"Can we stop for pancakes?" I ask.

"What?"

"I want some pancakes."

The urge has come on me suddenly. Despite the fact I had a perfectly adequate breakfast, I could really do with something else. Maybe it has something to do with the fact that early on in the pregnancy I only seemed to be able to eat cheese sandwiches. But pancakes are what I need now, and what I must have.

"It'll only take a second," I plead.

"Hammond's got some General Vidrine coming to observe the flight, how's it going to look if we're late."

"Please Jack, I'm hungry."

"You are going to get fat."

"I'm already fat."

Jack get's that dreamy little smile on his face and spares a hand to caress my stomach. Baby kicks a little, waking up for the first time this morning. For some reason me being kicked makes Jack smile all the more, but I forgive him when he swings the car over and dashes across the road to buy me my pancakes.

We aren't late. I knew we had plenty of time despite the diversion. Besides, nothing is more important than my pancakes. I don't care how many stars this General Vidrine has.

Once we're on the base, Jack disappears in the direction of the locker room, while I make my way up to the airstrip. I've invested a fair amount of time in this project. Since I'm not commanding SG2 at the moment I had to find something to do. The X301 is standing on the airstrip. While I'm waiting, I take a peek inside, wishing that I could be the one to take her up. Staying behind is going to take some getting used to. I've never been that good at sitting back and waiting.

It's a little chilly in the open air. I hope Vidrine shows up soon otherwise I'm going to have to go to the bathroom again. Junior seems to be actively kicking my bladder this morning. If it's a boy, he's going to be so much like his dad. Before long Jack comes running along the strip, hastily doing up his G-suit. For a man who's supposed to have bad knees, he can certainly move fast when he wants.

"What did I miss?" he demands.

"Nothing," I reply.

Temporarily unaware of our military surroundings he wraps his arms about my waist.

"Ain't she a beauty?" he grins.

"Yes, Jack," I sigh.

"What?"

"I don't know...I guess I just want the chance to go up there."

He turns me around to face him, placing his hand on my stomach.

"You're not regretting this, are you?"

"Not for a second," I reply.

Jack grins at me, and temporarily forgets about his ship as he pulls me into his arms. We only break apart when I hear a loud cough. Turning around, I see General Hammond standing with the rest of SG1 and...oh...General Vidrine. I immediately snap to attention, but Jack even makes that common manoeuvre look sloppy.

"Colonel, Lieutenant Colonel?"

The question in Vidrine's voice is clear. He's wondering what the hell an airforce colonel is doing hugging a pregnant officer. Jack immediately snaps into alpha male mode and points at me,

"Mine," he says.

I just roll my eyes, but General Hammond comes to our rescue.

"General Vidrine, may I introduce Colonel Jack O'Neill and his fiancee Lieutenant Colonel Samantha Carter. She's our expert on the Stargate and has invested a great deal of time on the X301."

"And I'm going to take second seat to Teal'c," Jack adds...just in case anyone has actually managed to forget.

"Proceed," Vidrine orders.

Jack gives me a quick kiss before running across the tarmac to join Teal'c. I glance at Vidrine, but he's pretending not to have noticed. I'm really going to have to have a long talk with Jack regarding improper behaviour when he gets back.

* * *

Stupid! Stupid! Stupid!

It had to happen, didn't it? I was the one who tempted fate.

I pull on Teal'c's fatigue pants... the only ones that I can get to do up now. Janet would have a fit if she knew what I was about to do, but I'm not going to tell her. As far as Hammond's concerned I'm okay for 'gate travel, and I am going to get Jack back... I am. Dammit, we are going to get married even if I have to drag that glider back with my bare hands! I think it's anger that's driving me on. I can't believe that the universe would be so cruel as to take him from me now. We were so close.

There are three men standing outside the locker room waiting to talk me out of this, but they're not going to be successful. I'm too mad. It's not as if I'm completely useless. They can carry the guns and I'll drag Jack back by the scruff of his neck. All I want is to get married, is that too much to ask? Other people seem to be able to do it without their prospective husbands being kidnapped by a death glider and sent off towards the Oort cloud. It's really starting to piss me off. I mean what have we done to deserve all this?

OK I'm ready. I look like a blimp, but I'm ready. These fatigues really aren't designed with the pregnant woman in mind.

"Let's go," I mutter as I leave the locker room. I'm still a Lieutenant Colonel and they have to follow my orders.

Ferretti, Kowalski and Daniel fall in behind me. Like me, they don't want to be left behind. Even General Hammond knows better than to try and stop us. Don't ever give a pregnant woman a gun. If I do have to shoot anyone, I can always blame it on the hormones. That thought actually cheers me up a little...

"Where the hell do you think you're going?"

I should have expected that Janet would show up at some point. In fact, I'm a little surprised that she didn't beat the information out of Hammond a lot earlier. I throw my answer back at her, not bothering to slow down at all,

"I'm going to get Jack."

"No way. Not in your condition!" she protests.

"I'm not an invalid."

"Okay, what if you meet enemy forces?"

"She's got me and Ferretti," Kowalski adds.

"And me," Daniel interrupts.

"And Daniel." I finish, "Janet...Tomorrow is my wedding day and I am going to get married, even if we have to do it out in space."

"What if you don't make it?"

"We will."

We have to. Jack can't die without seeing his child, I won't let that happen. Janet just stands there, I know she won't say anything else. She knows how serious I am. No one can stop me. That argument settled, we continue towards the 'gate and our rendezvous with the Tok'ra.

* * *

It's Dad. That fact shouldn't really surprise me, but it does. Anise did say it was someone who was important to us all but I trust that woman about as far as I could comfortably spit out an aardvark. Dad's in a really pissy mood. First of all he yells at me for interrupting his mission... although he did calm down when he realised it was Jack who needed saving. Then he started in on me about modifying Goa'uld technology!! He's got some nerve! And what's he doing on a secret mission anyway he's supposed to be giving me away tomorrow! Or was he going to give my wedding a miss... Just like all those birthdays and Christmases. I admit I'm fighting angry tears. I thought things were better between us since he blended with Selmak, but he's backsliding.

"So when did this happen?" he asks me while the other guys are resting.

I don't know what he's talking about at first, but then I realise that Dad didn't know about the baby. We've been out of touch for so long, that I couldn't tell him when I found out. The next big news was the wedding and I just invited him along to that.

"Seven months ago" I tell him. "Grandchild number three!"

"And you thought now was a good time?"

"Excuse me?"

"I'm sorry Sam, I just never thought that at this point in career, you would consider having a child. Getting married was enough...."

"Why? It was OK for you."

"That's different."

"Really?"

"However you like to paint it, there's still a lot of inequality out there. And having a child..."

"I can't believe I'm hearing this!"

He just shrugs, in his most annoying parental manner. I hate it when he does this. Why can't he just be happy for me? But I guess that isn't, Dad. It never has been. All my achievements have been overshadowed by the bitter pill he seems to force down my throat every time we meet. Well, not this time. I refuse to let him get to me.

Then I have an idea. I take his hand and place it on my stomach. The baby kicks.

"Feel that?" I ask him.

"Yes."

"How can I have doubts when this wonderful person is growing inside me? It's more important that anything else."

"You never did take the easy path, did you?"

"Be happy for me, Dad... be happy for us."

He hugs me then, and our argument is temporarily forgotten.

* * *

"Some honeymoon," he mutters.

I laugh, burying my face against Jack. With a cargo hold full of people we can't exactly celebrate in the way we would have liked. There are a lot of things I will share with Kowalski, Ferretti and Daniel, but my sex life is off limits.

"I told you we were getting married today," I remind him..even if we had to do it over the radio with a time lag.

"You okay?" he asks.

"Yes....you?"

"A little cold still."

He was freezing when we transported him aboard, but a little shared body heat soon solved that problem.

"So...Mrs. O'Neill..?"

"Mr O'Neill?"

I thought about hyphenating, but it was such a mouthful. Samantha Carter-O'Neill...too much. I'll think about it before I get my new business cards printed.

"Tired?" I ask him.

"Yeah, a little."

We shift our position and Jack lies down with his head on the bump. I run my fingers through his hair, stroking until he falls asleep.

Damn! The wedding dress!!! Janet's gonna kill me!

Ah well... getting married in khaki and army boots was probably more my style. With one hand on my husband and the other caressing the place where our unborn child rests, I smile.


	13. Future Steps

It's been ten years.

Ten years since I lost my little girl. Ten years since I lost my husband. Ten years since we met the Aschen.

I'm due in Washington... but I can't stop myself lingering at the graveside. I buried them together. He only outlived his daughter by six months, but it seems natural for them to be together. He loved her so much.

We called her Elizabeth. I remember us arguing happily over baby names... he wanted to shorten it to Lizzie but I insisted on Beth. She was the most perfect baby. Blonde hair, blue eyes, and she hardly ever cried unless it really mattered. We were all so happy...and then we met the Aschen. I don't blame them. It wasn't their fault.

I hear someone approach...footsteps crunching on gravel.

"You ready to go?"

"In a second."

"Sam..."

Nodding, I rise, letting him take my hand. Wouldn't do for us to be late. I let him lead me away from the cemetery...Joe, my second husband.

"You okay?" he asks.

"I guess...I saw the doctor today."

"And?"

"He says we have to keep on trying."

I feel his disappointment as his hand tightens on mine.

"Not that I mind the trying part," he adds. "It's just that I thought we'd be working on our second child by now."

We've been trying for three years. I remember another part of my life, when having a baby seemed so important. got pregnant then, why can't I do it now? Oh the Aschen doctors say there's nothing wrong with either of us but why can't I have a baby? I sound so pathetic, but Joe wants this as much as I do. It's the one part of me Jack had and he doesn't. Even if Beth didn't live long we still experienced the wonder of being parents.

Every time I leave Colorado Springs, I feel my heart ache. I hate leaving them behind, alone in the cold , hard earth. Part of me truly died with my daughter, another part of me with Jack. Joe has everything that's left, but I can't help wondering how much of Samantha Carter is still here. Not the military...Earth no longer needs defending, the Goa'uld threat is gone. The scientist is still trying to catch up on a thousand years of advancement. So where does that leave me? I'm the wife of Earth's most revered ambassador, I'd like to be a mother butI guess I have a lot to be grateful for.

During the final battle with the Goa'uld we lost so many people and I had to push my personal grief aside. I don't think I ever truly had the time I needed to mourn for my husband and my child. Oh, Joe was wonderful. He was the one who finally got me through it...and I fought him every step of the way. But he never gave up and eventually I grew to care for him too. I still feel guilty for marrying another man, but it wasn't like my last few months with Jack were very good.

When Beth died, he went into a deep depression. At first he blamed the Aschen. Jack had never agreed with the treaty. It was the reason he resigned from the SGC. But they couldn't have saved Beth...no one could. After a while he started blaming himself. I was busy and I wasn't paying as much notice as I should. Since he had retired, we barely saw each other. I told myself that when the war was over I would retire and spend all of my time with him...but Jack didn't wait that long. He told me he was going up to the cabin for a while, just to get his head together. I saw him leave with a smile on my face, telling him to come back soon.

One week stretched into two before I thought of going up there to check. I was the one who found him. The coroner said he'd been dead a while. Which meant he must have done it as soon as he arrived. Jack never had any intention of coming back to me. I suppose I shouldn't have been as surprised as I was. After his first child had died, Jack had become suicidal ... I should have known and the guilt almost destroyed me, but I had some good friends, I had Joe and eventually I got better.

I still can't think of Jack without experiencing a profound sense of loss. I miss him. His smile, his mercurial moods, his sense of fun. Sometimes I can't help wondering what would have happened if the Aschen hadn't arrived? Where our lives might have taken us?

Joe brings me out of my introspection, placing his hand on my waist. We transfer to Washington with the minimum of trouble, finding ourselves outside the Stargate terminal. Traffic through the Stargate is usually pretty heavy, but that's nothing compared with the people who are here today. The terminal is crowded with humans and Aschen. Joe and I have a little difficulty in making our way to our assigned positions.

I smile at the people standing at my side, and they return he gesture. None of us feel really comfortable being the centre of attention. Me, Daniel, Teal'c...

"Kowalski?" I whisper to Daniel out of the corner of my mouth.

"No one could find him," he replies.

That figures. He was the only one who agreed with Jack about the Aschen. I find it hard to believe that he's still holding a grudge, not after all this time. It's a shame. I would like to see Charlie again.

The crowd falls silent as a team of airforce officers mount the steps and stand before the gate. A giant screen descends from the ceiling.

"Ladies and gentlemen, the President of the United States," a voice announces and President Kinsey's face appears on the screen.

He makes a reference to the mission where we met the Aschen, the work carried out by SG-1. He reads from Jack's mission report...Hearing my former husband's words brings a lump to my throat. I'm standing here with SG-1 in place of him and it feels so wrong.

"Doctor Samantha Carter, Doctor Daniel Jackson, Teal'c... will you please step forward?" the President asks.

We do as requested, turning to face the crowd. Medals are placed about our necks, the airmen fire their weapons in honour... the Aschen all put their fingers in their ears. For a race who eliminated the Goa'uld so ruthlessly, they are certainly squeamish about guns.

At the reception afterwards, we find ourselves instinctively grouping together. Nervously sipping champagne as we try to recall the reasons why we used to be so close. It's been six years since we last saw each other. Life has taken us in many directions. Daniel to the university, Teal'c to Chulak, Janet...

"At least your job hasn't been made obsolete..." she sighs, breaking off when she sees someone walking up to us..."Mowlem?"

The Aschen looks apologetic as he speaks to Joe.

"Forgive me for interrupting, Ambassador, the Aschen delegation is eager to hear about your visit to the South continent."

"It'll be my pleasure," Joe replies, then turns to me, "I think we can safely assume that I'll be late."

He kisses me briefly,

"Doctors, Teal'c, congratulations again," he finishes, before disappearing.

I turn back to my friends.

"So, where are we going?" I ask.

"I had planned to return to Chulak," Teal'c replies.

"Oh, c'mon, we haven't seen each other in ages... please," I'm almost begging for their company.

"Very well."

A small flood of happiness gushes through me.

"Dinner?" Daniel suggests

We all agree, indulging in a round of friendly kisses before our party breaks up. Janet and I wander away from the others. I can understand why she's frustrated. With all the advances the Aschen have given us, she no longer seems to have a role. I'm not a lot better. Being a lab assistant again, isn't what I had in mind with regards to the advancement of my career. It's at times like this I really miss the Airforce.

"So, tell me, by any chance are you and Joe...?" Janet begins.

"Not yet," I admit. "They say it isn't either one of us. We just have to keep trying."

"You know, they still let me keep an office in Washington, even though I don't have anything to do. If you like, we could go check you out."

"They said I was fine."

"Sam, the medicine I practise may seem to come from the dark ages now, but I was your doctor for a long time. How long have you been trying?"

"Almost three years."

"Yes."

What is she suggesting? I can tell by the expression on her face she thinks there's something wrong. I know we've been trying a long time...In the old days we probably would have been started on some type of treatment by now. Hormones, IVF...and there's the fact that I had no real problems getting pregnant with Jack. If Janet checks me out I can finally be sure.

"When can we do this?" I ask.

* * *

I can't believe it. I can't believe they looked me in the eye and told me I was fine. Janet's right. There is no way they could have missed this. God, when did it happen? What did I do? Why did they lie to me? In the depths of my mind I'm starting to think that maybe, just maybe, Jack was right all along.

Mowlem suspected something. I mean I'm never late for work...never. He hesitated before giving me core access, but he really didn't have any reason not to let me into the system. The holographic interface flashes before me, the alien symbols rushing across the screen.

"I'm in, I'm in," I tell Janet.

I was worried there for a second.

"It's asking for search parameters," I go one.

"Try medical records," Janet suggests.

"I don't think I'll find anything specific to me in there. "

"So maybe this has happened to other people too. General search, reproductive statistics."

The screen changes, flashing up a picture of the globe... some areas are marked in red.

"This can't be right," I mutter, forgetting for a moment that Janet's standing beside me. "If I'm reading this correctly, the world-wide birth rate has dropped over ninety percent in the last two years."

"What?"

"That's what it says right here. These are Aschen numbers."

"But we would know!"

"It's happened everywhere the anti-ageing vaccine has gone. "

"Turn it off!"

"They're doing it systematically."

"Just turn it off, please. We can't let them know we know."

"Mowlem..."

"Sam, you're on the inside, you don't see them the way I do."

"Janet, they have done this to us deliberately, we have to do something!"

"I know, but not here. We'll talk about it at the restaurant...I have to go."

Janet's right. We can't do anything here. I let her go before turning back to the computer. There is something else I need to check. Just after Beth was born, I let the Aschen doctors check her over. They wanted to examine a human child... and she happened to be on hand. Jack didn't want me to , but I ignored him. I was full of the joys of universal harmony, even if he wasn't.

The Aschen keep records on everything...even that far back. It takes a while, but I do find her name; subject 1, Elizabeth O'Neill. I'm relatively calm as I read the notes. Seems that the anti-ageing vaccine wasn't the first method they tried for reducing the Earth's population. We always thought that Beth died from some alien virus she picked up from myself for Jack... it was alien...but it was deliberately injected into her poor defenceless body. They...they gave up the experiment because other children began to show immunity so they turned their attention to the adult population.

They killed her. They killed my little girl .

It's all I can do to shut down the system. I have to get out of here... I have to...I don't know. I close my eyes and all I can see is Beth. the way she used to smile and laugh and wave her little feet in the air. The way Jack loved her so much. He used to do everything for her.; change diapers, feed her in the middle of the night, nothing was too much trouble if it involved his daughter.

"Dr. Carter? is there something wrong?" Mowlem's voice grates on my nerves. He sounds so calm, I just want to rip his head off...but I don't. Some part of me is still thinking logically and I know I can't let him suspect I want to disembowel him with a blunt spoon.

"I just have a headache," I reply.

"Perhaps you should let our doctors examine you?" he offers.

"No. I'm going home. Today has been...very exciting for me."

"Very well. I will see you tomorrow, Dr. Carter."

"Sure."

Even after I get out of there, I don't know what I'm going to do. I find myself wandering aimlessly around Washington. Was it only this morning I left flowers on my baby's grave? I'm numb as I go home and change for dinner. There's a coldness in my heart that's only going to ease when I see every member of the Aschen race suffer.

"Now I wish we could take it all back," Daniel says.

His words send my mind racing...take it all back...

"Maybe we can...take it back," I begin, carefully.

"How?"

"General Hammond showed us."

"He left us a note."

"What are you talking about?" Janet asks.

"A number of years ago, a freak accident sent us back to 1969," I explain.

I remember that mission well. I had temporarily replaced Kowalski on SG-1 and Jack wasn't talking to me. It was after that regrettable incident with Martouf. I think of Jolinar's lover with a certain fondness. In some ways he was lucky he didn't survive to see this. Most of the Tok'ra were wiped out along with the Goa'uld. As Daniel said, some of them might have survived, somewhere. I've always hoped that Dad may be among them.

"Think about it, we could send ourselves a message," I finish.

"Wait a second, I thought you said it was impossible to predict the exact moment of a solar flare?" Daniel says.

"For us, yes it was but with access to the Aschen computers..."

"Just a second," Janet interrupts, "we are considering changing the lives of the entire human race on Earth. Do we have that right?"

"If we don't we will live to see the end of the human race on Earth."

* * *

After we finish, I go home. It's difficult for me, but the others we right. I do have to keep this from Joe. I know he would try to help, but he would be forced to do something official and that's the last thing we need. He isn't home and I recall him saying he would be late. Probably for the best. I can be asleep by the time he gets back.

This house is very different from the one Jack and I used to share. It's larger, huge grand rooms with high ceilings...just the residence for an ambassador and his wife. I've never really missed Jack's house before tonight. But now I would give anything to be able to step out onto the deck and smell the honeysuckle that used to grow in the garden. Somehow the perfume was always stronger at night. Jack would come out and slip his arms about me.... just as he did the night before he left. He led me to the bedroom and we made love. It had been the first time since Beth had died. It was also the last. Jack used to make love like he had all the time in the world.

Despite my best intentions, I can't sleep. I lie there in the big bed, tossing and turning, trying to find a comfortable spot on the pillow. When Joe comes in, I'm still awake.

"Honey?" he questions. "You shouldn't have waited up."

"I didn't, I just couldn't sleep."

Then I realise how bad that sounds and quickly amend my words.

"But I'm glad you're home."

"Are you okay?"

I knew the second he saw me, he'd realise that something wasn't right. Reaching up, I pull him down beside me, taking comfort in his arms.

"It's so hard," I whisper.

"I know, but you said yourself, we just have to keep trying."

He starts to stroke my hair. If we do this I'll lose him. I love Joe...despite the fact he isn't Jack, I do love him. I'd like to think that part of me will miss him. If we do this, the chances are we'll never meet. If we do, I'll be married. My feelings are in turmoil. Which is why, when he finally sleeps, I crawl out of bed and get dressed. I need time to think and I can't do that here.

I pull on a pair of jeans and a sweater. Sloppy clothes that make me feel a little more like myself. I write Joe a short note and leave the house. Walking through the streets of Washington, I can't help remembering how things used to be. There was a time when I wouldn't even have considered being out here alone. The Aschen have changed all that. I don't think there are any bad places anymore... but there aren't any good ones either. As strange as it may seem, the world is too safe...like there's nothing left to fight for.

Without meaning to I end up at the Stargate terminal. At first I think about taking the next trip off-world, but then I realise there's somewhere else I have to go. Minnesota. I haven't been to the cabin in years. Considering the last time I was there, it's hardly surprising. Somehow, I need to go there tonight. It's a place I can think, and maybe remember the reasons I have to do this.

The sun's coming up when I arrive. I take a deep breath of the chill air, just losing myself in the beauty that surrounds me. I've been away too long. Joe isn't really the outdoor type. He wouldn't know what to do without his cellphone. As for camping out...he wouldn't have any idea.

The cabin looks better than I expected. I pay someone to come in once in a while to make sure the roof wasn't leaking and to carry out any maintenance. Sentimental reasons really... or maybe I always knew I'd be back. Taking out the key, I let myself in. The furniture should be swathed in dust covers, but someone's taken them off. Now that I look around, I see obvious signs of habitation. I should have noticed before, but I was too wrapped up in myself. Instincts I thought long forgotten suddenly kick in. I have the insane urge to reach for a gun...but I don't have one, not anymore.

"Hello?" I shout.

That's probably a dumb thing to do, but I'd rather face whoever it is than wander around waiting to get attacked. I'm not surprised when I hear footsteps.

"So...come back to view the scene of the crime?"

I know that voice. It's been years since I've heard it, but I'd recognise it anywhere.

"Kowalski?" I can't believe what I'm seeing.

"You used to call me Charlie."

"Charlie...what are you doing here?"

"I needed somewhere to live, away from the Aschen. Jack always said I could stay here anytime I wanted."

"It's good to see you."

"You too. How's the beloved ambassador?"

"He's fine."

Charlie never did forgive me for getting married again. He thought I should spend the rest of my life mourning for Jack...

"So what are you doing here?" he asks me.

"I.."

I realise that I don't know how to answer that question. I sit down, holding my head in my hands.

"Sam...Sam are you okay?" Charlie asks.

The derisive tone has gone from his voice. He sits beside me, awkwardly taking my hand.

"A few days ago, I found out that I couldn't have anymore children," I begin.

"I'm sorry to hear that," he replies.

"It's worse. they're wiping us out. Everywhere the anti-ageing vaccine has been distributed."

"Oh God!"

"And this isn't their first attempt. I found evidence that they...they were experimenting on children...including Beth. It wasn't something she picked up from Jack or I. God, he knew. He knew and I wouldn't believe him. He killed himself because I..."

The tears are running freely down my face. I start digging in the pocket of my jeans, trying to find a handkerchief.

"Sam, wait a second. Jack didn't kill himself," Charlie says.

"What do you mean?" I gulp.

"Jack found something. He never said what, but we were supposed to meet here. I was late and the Aschen had already arrived. Jack must have thought it was me and let them into the cabin. They made it look pretty convincing."

"And you never said anything? You let me come up here and find my husband's body! You let me think he'd committed suicide!"

"Sam, I tried, but you shut me down...just like everyone else at the SGC. then the Aschen found out and I was next on their hit list. I couldn't help anyone dead.

We've all been so blind. I want to get angry with him, but I can't. It feels like I have nothing left. Everything I've relied on for the past ten years is crumbling away. I have more reason than ever to change what happened.

"Charlie," I begin, "I have and idea, but I need your help."

* * *

Being back at the SGC was...a little strange. The guided tour was even stranger. Jack seemed to be everywhere I looked. There was a really nice picture of him outside the Gateroom with the rest of SG-1. I put away all the photos I had of him, but now I'm wondering if I shouldn't get them out some time. Speaking with Charlie was good but I need to drag myself away from the past.

I'm lying on the bed, fiddling with the belt of my robe, rehearsing what I'm going to say to Joe. He's a good man, I'm certain he'll help...even if I can't tell him exactly what we're going to do.

The door opens and my husband walks in, setting his jacket down.

"How are you feeling?" he asks, sitting beside me on the bed.

"I'm fine," I lie. I'm not fine, I may never be fine again.

"Mowlem said you left the lab. feeling ill. You're just depressed, we can keep trying."

"No we can't Joe. Nobody can."

"What are you talking about."

Then I explain. I expect him to be angry, but all I see in his face is confusion and concern.

"You're wrong," he tells me.

"I saw the numbers, Joe."

"The Aschen doctors said you were fine."

"This isn't just about me. I read it right from the Aschen terminal. The birth-rate has been cut by ninety percent."

Again, he doesn't react like I want him to. It's as if he's calculating something. Doesn't he care that we can't have children?

"It was supposed to be a third of that," he mutters, almost to himself.

I feel like I've been punched in the gut. He knew...all this time we were trying and he knew. If he knew about this the what about Jack? What about Beth?

"You...knew?" I ask, unable to believe what I'm hearing.

"The Aschen insisted on it. They think further than we do. They knew that, if we didn't limit our growth...."

"Is that what you call this?"

"This obviously isn't what we agreed to."

"I can't believe this..."

I scramble to my feet, unable to stomach sitting so close to him. Hell, I don't want to be in the same room as him. If it wasn't for the fact that he can get us the iris remote, I would be tempted to revive my hand to hand training. He knew and he didn't tell me. So all that time we were trying, he was just getting his kicks! Jack may have had his faults, but he would never have betrayed me in this way.

"I have to talk to the President," Joe tells me.

"Yes, you do, but not about this."

Pulling the replica from under my pillow, I hand it to him.

"I need you to replace this remote with the one on the President's desk without being caught and bring the other one back to my lab. I need you to do it first thing in the morning."

"The President's a busy man..."

"Come up with some excuse, I don't care, but if you say a word about what I just said, they will kill you. "

"This is an iris remote."

"Yes. "

"I don't understand, what could you possibly....?"

"I need it."

"You'll have to tell me more than that."

"I can't tell you more."

Reluctantly, he holds out his hand and takes the remote. He's doing this because he loves me. That should make me feel good, but it doesn't. I realise now, there's only one man's love I want. I pick up a pillow and the quilt, dragging them behind me as I exit the bedroom.

"Sam, where are you going?" Joe shouts after me.

"The guest room."

"Honey, we can work this out."

"Joe, they killed my husband, they killed my daughter and now they're killing my planet. You could have stopped them. Excuse me if I don't want to be near you right now. I'll see you in the morning. "

My intention is to try and get some rest. Tomorrow is going to be hard. There's no way I can sleep though. I find myself rummaging through an old box, trying to find my photos. The ones I want are right at the bottom. I pull the pictures out, trying to stop the tears flowing.

The first one is of my family, just after Beth was born. I'm sitting on a bed in the infirmary, holding my baby close, Jack is behind me, his arms wrapped around both of us. Daniel took that picture. The next one was take by Jack, sneaking in while I was nursing Beth. I'm completely oblivious, my attention focused on my baby. We should have taken dozens of baby photos, but these are the only ones I have. I flip to the next...Jack and I on our wedding day, just after we got back to Earth. Jack carried me over the threshold into the SGC..nearly breaking his back in the process. I look at myself, wearing Teal'c's fatigues, my belly swollen with pregnancy. Life seemed perfect then.

It will be again. It will be...I'm going to give Jack and Beth another chance...not to mention the rest of the human race.

* * *

"Elizabeth?" I suggest.

"Lizzie...yeah, I could go for that."

"Beth."

"What?"

"If we shorten it, let's use Beth."

"Beth....Bethie...."

I sigh to myself, giving my husband a playful slap.

"Of course it might be a boy," I add.

"How about...John?"

"I'm not having two in the same family."

He runs through a series of names, none of which sound suitable. This baby had better be a girl or it's going to end up with something like Bra'tac!

Jack shifts on the bed, moving a little closer. It's been so hot lately, I've taken to sleeping naked....which he just loves! Tonight, I'm more uncomfortable than ever. I just can't seem to find a good spot to sleep. Not to mention indigestion. I don't know what I've eaten, but something is definitely disagreeing with me.

He isn't supposed to be here tonight. SG-1 was scheduled to visit P4C-970, but the mission was scrubbed. I wasn't on the base at the time and getting the full story out of Jack was an effort. He said they got some kind of note warning them off. I would have been sceptical, but it seemed that General Hammond took the whole thing seriously and locked 970 out of the dialling computer. Apparently the note was in my handwriting....which was weird...and it was covered with blood. My blood. Makes me wonder when I sent it....and what could have possibly prompted me to alter the timeline. It must have been something pretty serious. I look at Jack, feel my baby and wonder.

"You know this is our one month anniversary," Jack begins, his hands starting to wander.

I can't believe he's thinking about sex...well I can believe it, but I'm just too hot and uncomfortable. I pull away from him and head towards the bathroom. I'm up to once an hour now. At least that's what it feels like. This indigestion is getting worse.

"Hey beautiful..." he calls after me.

"This isn't beautiful, this is uncomfortable," I tell him.

He just grins. It's all right for him, he doesn't have to carry this weight around with him. Jack and I are both tall people and I think this kid is going to take after us. I'm certain I'm bigger than I should be. I rub my extended stomach, trying to calm the pain that shoots through me.

"Sam, are you okay?" Jack asks.

"Fine, why?"

"I don't know, you just seem different tonight."

"Apart from a touch of indigestion...."

It happens again and I feel my face crease up.

"Uh...Sam...I don't think that's indigestion."

"It can't be, I'm not due for another two weeks."

"Baby says different. C'mon, get dressed, it's infirmary time."

Jack has planned this like a military operation. He barely gives me time to go to the bathroom before he's bundling me into my clothes. He picks up my bag and starts helping me outside. It's at times like this I really wish he didn't drive a truck. Unfortunately, my car is in the garage.

"Jack," I gasp.

"What?"

"Go and put your pants on."

"Right."

I don't think Jack assisting at the birth wearing nothing but a pair of Simpson's boxer shorts would be quite proper somehow. Not that there's anything wrong with his body, but it's something I like to keep all to myself. He comes back in a couple of minutes, fully clothed, with his shoes on....

"Let's go, " he grins.


	14. Step into the Light

How can something so small produce so much ... I guess crap is the only word for it. With a sense of profound relief I throw the used diaper into the trash and head back inside. I always swore that when I became a mother, I would avoid the preoccupation with diaper contents which seems to infect all new parents. No such luck.

Elizabeth ... or Beth to her Dad, is lying on the changing mat, gurgling happily at me. She bathed, clean, fed and ready to go down for the night. As I pick her up in my arms I wonder where Jack is. If he's on world he's usually home by now, either that or he would have called me. He just loves spending time with Beth. I get the feeling he doesn't want to miss a minute of her childhood.

For myself, it's going to be hard to go back to work, but I know it's something I have to do. The SGC needs me, even though I'm not going out in the field anymore. At least not until Beth is older... or Jack retires. It's dangerous out there, and we can't leave our daughter without at least one parent. I hope she grows to know both of us, but nothing is certain in this world.

"There you go sweetheart," I whisper as I lay her down.

She smiles up at me. I swear she's been smiling since she was a few hours old... although Janet assures me it was probably just wind. Elizabeth looks like me. She has blue eyes and blonde hair and she looks nothing like Charlie, which is probably a good thing.

My labour wasn't an easy one. It was a struggle to bring her into this world, but I'll say this for her, she's certainly a fighter. Jack was by my side the whole time, despite the fact I told him to go and get some sleep. Sometimes he was more of a hindrance than a help and, let's face facts, giving birth isn't the most glamorous of pastimes. I don't think he's ever heard me scream before.

After fourteen hours, Elizabeth Anna O'Neill made her advent into the world ... and boy did she have a healthy set of lungs. The first thing Janet did was tell Jack to strip off his shirt. His face was a picture but he did as she asked and one of the nurses handed Beth to him. It was amazing. Seeing Jack hold her was one of the most profound moments in my life, he just looked so natural. I tell you, there's nothing so sexy as a half naked man holding a baby ... especially when he's my half naked man.

I turn on the baby monitor and leave Beth to sleep, still wondering what's happened to Jack. For a moment I consider calling the base, but then dismiss the idea, figuring I'll only sound like a nagging wife. He's probably off saving the world and I don't want to distract him . I curl up on the couch, glad that Beth seems to be sleeping. My body is now trained to rest when she does and I find myself slipping into dreams.

Beth's cries awaken me. I trip over the rug in my haste to get to the nursery, I guess I'm still jumpy. To my surprise, leaning over her crib, is Jack. He's just staring at her, making no move to pick her up.

"Jack?" I question.

"So beautiful," he croons.

He sounds drunk. Beth screams louder, she's scared. I gather her into my arms, rocking her gently. Jack laughs and turns away, leaving the room. What the hell is wrong with him? It takes a while for Beth to settle again. In a couple of hours she'll wake up hungry. So much for getting some sleep tonight. Once she's breathing easily, I go in search of Jack. I'm not exactly surprised to find him cradling a whiskey bottle. I know for a fact it was full last time I looked. Now it's half empty.

"What's wrong?" I ask him.

"Nothing," he replies.

Okay, so he's not talking. This isn't exactly unusual for Jack but I thought we'd gotten past that.

"Did something go wrong at the base?" I push.

"What could possibly go wrong?"

"Jack."

"For cryin' out loud!"

His shout is loud enough to wake Beth again. Her cries echo through the house once more and I have to go to her. I swear he did that deliberately. This time, I take Beth back with me, hoping she'll have a calming effect.

Jack is no longer where I left him. I glance out of the window, his truck is still parked outside. He's probably up on the roof. I debate about going to find him... in the end I wrap Beth in her blanket and step outside. Climbing the ladder isn't easy holding a baby, but I manage. As I expected, Jack is up there, but he's not sitting at the 'scope. He's standing by the railings, looking out over the rooftops. Something is badly wrong here. I'm almost afraid to speak to him. Beth whimpers in my arms, she's not happy, she doesn't know what's wrong with Daddy. Neither to I.

"What are you doing up here?" I ask, gently.

"It doesn't mean anything," he says.

"What?"

"Any of this."

He waves his arms in an all encompassing gesture... then I notice what he's carrying in his hand. He's got a gun. Where the hell did he get a gun from? We don't have one in the house, which means he must have brought it off the base.

"Jack..."

I don't want to make any sudden moves.

"Put the gun down, Jack."

But instead he points it straight at me. I react instinctively, turning away from him, shielding Beth with my body.

"That's right," he sneers, "run."

I'm not running away. I'm just trying to protect my child.

"I'm taking Beth inside," I tell him.

"Don't!" he snaps. "I won't let you take her away."

"Then put the damn gun down!"

Beth starts crying in earnest now.

"Come with us Jack," I say quietly, trying to appeal to whichever part of him is still listening to me.

The gun turns and points at his head.

"I can't do it Sam. I can't do it anymore."

There are tears streaming down his cheeks. I've never seen Jack cry before. I want to go to him, but I can't risk the gun going off anywhere near Beth.

"Put the gun down," I repeat.

He shakes his head, his hand tightening on the trigger.

"Please!" I beg him.

"Sam?"

Jack looks at me and then at the gun.

"Oh God."

"Put it down," I say for the third time.

Very slowly, he does as I ask. I shift Beth in my arms, so I can reach out to him. Taking his hand, I lead him across the deck. He doesn't protest as I bid him climb down the ladder. I know I've got to get him back to the base. Something is seriously wrong with Jack. I don't know what happened on his last mission, but I'd swear there's more going on here than meets the eye.

Hurriedly, I pack Beth in the car, along with diapers, expressed milk and all the other paraphernalia which now accompanies my existence. Jack is next. He lies along the back seat, barely moving, barely taking notice of anything that's happening. Then I climb back up to the roof and remove the gun. No point in taking any chances.

* * *

I hate seeing Jack like this. I've lost track of the number of times I've visited him in the infirmary, him or another of my friends. He's unconscious now. Janet has him hooked up to all kinds of monitors, but she's no closer to finding out what's wrong with him. Apparently all the other members of SG-5, the team which Jack and Daniel accompanied on the last mission, are in a similar condition. Only Daniel seems okay, but he's gone back to the planet so who knows what condition he's in now. Apparently one member of SG-5, a young man named Barber, actually committed suicide. I guess he had no one to stop him.

Beth is sleeping peacefully in her carry seat. I'm grateful. I don't think I could cope with a grouchy baby right now. It's been one hell of a day.

"Why don't you get some sleep?" Janet suggests.

"I'm fine," I assure her. I want to stay close to Jack....just in case.

"I'll let you know as soon as there is any change," she assures me.

"No choice?"

"No. Take Beth to one of the VIP rooms....go on."

Very reluctantly, I pick up my daughter and take her away. Despite my worries, I do sleep... Beth on the bed beside me. I'm woken by Janet, her face grave.

"What... what is it? What's wrong with Jack?" I demand.

"Sam, all the other members of SG-5 are dead and I think Jack's dying."

"Oh my God."

I shoot out of bed, pulling my pants on, running after Janet in my bare feet. I snag a passing airman and order him to look after Beth.

"Is there anything you can do?" I ask Janet.

"Daniel went back to the planet and he's okay," she says.

"So Jack has to go back too."

I know I have to go with him.

"Janet ?" I begin.

"I'll make sure she's okay."

"There's diapers and milk and...."

"I know... now go."

When we get to the Stargate, Jack is barely mobile. I practically have to carry him through the 'gate and that's no mean feat. It could be worse...this could be Teal'c. I collapse when we get to the other side. Jack falling on top of me.

"Uh Guys!!" I call out.

Jack is a dead weight now. I struggle, but can't shift him.

"Is there anyone here!" I yell. "Could do with a little help!"

Thank God Jack has never fallen asleep on me after sex or I wouldn't be here to tell the tale. He has got to cut down on the Jell-O and cake. In answer to my prayers a boy appears. He looks about fifteen.

"Hello," he says.

"Help me!" I order.

He moves to my side and helps me shift Jack. Once I am free I turn to him.

"Where's everyone else?" I ask.

"With the light," he says.

"Can you get them for me."

"They won't come."

"Well try!"

I didn't mean to snap at him. He looks half terrified as he leads me away. Pausing at the threshold of the room he gestures inside.

"I'm not allowed to go in there," he says.

"That's okay," I tell him, trying to make up for my former sharpness.

Taking a deep breath I step into the light.

* * *

This is just super. Three weeks. Three weeks we're going to be stuck here. And my baby is on the other side of the galaxy. Jack thinks we should treat it like a second honeymoon...he would. Oh God! I think I'm going into withdrawal again.

I had to get out of there, so I went for a walk on the beach. I guess I've walked too far. It's time to head back, but I don't want to. I don't want to go back and look at the Stargate, knowing it's all that separates me from my daughter. It's should be getting dark on Earth. I'd be giving Beth her last feed, getting ready to put her down for the night. Jack would be fussing around us, itching to change a diaper or help in any way he can. I miss her so much. This is the first time I've left her for more than a couple of hours. I trust Janet, but...

"Sam? Are you out here?"

It's Jack's voice but I don't feel much like answering him.

"Hammond sent ice cream."

I don't want any ice cream.

Footsteps approach, he's found me. I refuse to look up at him.

"Hey," he whispers.

"Go away," I tell him.

"You should come back inside."

He puts and arm about me, trying to coax me to my feet

"Hammond sent something else too," he goes on.

"What?"

"Come see."

"Jack, please... leave me alone."

"I don't want to have to carry you."

"Kiss my ass."

Before I know what's happening, Jack has put me over his shoulder, one of his hands resting on my ass. He plants a kiss on it before heading back down the beach.

I hear the thin cry as we enter the palace. Struggling, I force Jack to put me down. I'd recognise that sound anywhere. Dashing into the room where the Stargate sits, I see her, cradled in Uncle Teal'c's arms. He hands her over without complaint.

"Jack?" I question as I rock Beth against me.

"Janet didn't figure it would do her any harm. I don't know about you but I didn't want to wait three weeks before seeing her again."

"Thank you."

He bends over us and kisses me and then his daughter.

"I think she wants feeding," he says.

Jack's right. Her cry is a hungry one. I hand her to him while I try and rearrange myself. Military fatigues weren't designed with the nursing mother in mind. I have to remove my vest, my jacket and then pull my T-shirt up. It's then I noticed that the rest of SG-1 have hurriedly left the room, pulling Loran with them. I wonder if it's because they're embarrassed or because they think Jack might hurt them for catching a glimpse of my breast.

Ah well.

Beth suckles eagerly...she certainly was hungry. Jack sits with his arm about us and somehow this seem so right. The first earth baby through the Stargate...

And she's all ours.


	15. Step Change

Why is it we always regret the last thing we say to someone? I mean why are the last words out of our mouth ones of hurt and anger?

When... when Charlie died... we'd been fighting. He had this gun. It was only a water gun, but I yelled at him for it. He got mad and stormed into the house. The next day I'd planned to take him out for ice cream after school... as a way of saying sorry. I never got the chance. I'd planned it as a surprise, you see. Charlie didn't know. That's why he wasn't waiting for me, that's why he went looking for my gun.

Sam and I fought this morning. She wanted to go back to work and I thought it was too soon. It was as simple as that. Turns out I was right for completely the wrong reasons. I could understand her frustration. Sam loves her work and Beth isn't the greatest conversationalist... at least not yet. But give her a few years and she'll be just as smart as her mom. I just never expected Sam to be a candidate for the worlds shortest maternity leave.

Maybe I was being selfish. If anyone should stay at home it should be me. Sam's a hell of a lot more valuable to the SGC than I am. But that wouldn't have stopped her trying to communicate with that thing. She'd still be lying here in the infirmary... Sam... but not the woman I married.

I wanted to apologise to her but she left before I did this morning, giving me the job of taking Beth to the crèche. Poor kid didn't know what was happening. She looked at me as if I was handing her over to an axe murderer. I thought she was going to start to cry. She didn't, but I get the feeling she's going to be ignoring Daddy when he goes to pick her up.

I'm torn.

Sam is lying here unconscious, but I know the time is fast approaching when I'm going to have to go and fetch my daughter. What am I supposed to do?

I mean I trust Fraiser and everything, but I want to be here when Sam wakes up. I want my face to be the first she sees. It might help.

I don't know what to do. I don't know what to do.

If anything happened to her I'd be lost. Completely. She is such a huge part of my life, it'd be like cutting out my heart. I laugh now when I think how much we hated each other. But we really did. I couldn't stand her. I thought she was nothing more than an annoying scientist, who had been given a command she didn't deserve. She's proved me wrong on so many occasions.

Scientist, soldier, wife, lover, mother... so many words describe my Sam. I love her so much. More than Sara? Or just differently. It's hard to say.

"Sir?"

I turn to see Janet standing beside me.

"Yeah?"

"It's almost half past."

She's telling me, politely, to go and see to my daughter. She's right of course. I nod my acceptance of the situation. Bending forward, I brush a kiss onto Sam's lips.

"Call me if there's any change," I tell Fraiser.

"Depend on it, sir."

Beth isn't happy when I pick her up. She looks about as if to say 'where's momma?'. Then she starts to cry. I bounce her gently in my arms, trying to calm her down as I take my leave of her temporary guardian. Usually she'll sleep in the car. She doesn't this evening and she throws her bunny out of her car seat five times, while I'm trying to strap her in. I'm tempted to leave it in the street but I know I'll be in even bigger trouble if I do that.

She's hungry, I know, but she's going to have to wait until we get home. I didn't think to pack a bottle or anything. You would have thought that, after being a parent once, I would remember these things. But the fact remains that Sam is always a hell of a lot more organised than I am.....so was Sara.

When I get home, my worry for Sam is temporarily forgotten as I lose myself in the whirl of diaper changing and baby feeding. Beth doesn't help matters by deciding she doesn't like pureed carrot. She likes Sweet potato....how can she tell? They're both orange? I have to go wash my hair when I'm done.

But my daughter does oblige me by going to sleep after she's eaten. Which leaves me free to start worrying again. Despite myself, I get a few minutes fretful rest, but I'm awake again by the time the phone rings. It's Fraiser. She only says two words,

"Sam's awake."

I drop the phone and run up to the nursery and disturb my daughter. She doesn't like being woken up, but I haven't got time to calm her down. In fact I worry that I'm being a little rough as a shove her into her clothes and button up her coat.

"Shhh...I tell her... we're gonna see momma," I whisper to her.

Some part of me wishes she could understand but the rest of me is glad she doesn't realise what is happening. All she knows is Daddy is disturbing her routine. I grab bunny from her crib and head out to the car.

We go straight to the infirmary. I know the first thing Sam'll ask after is Beth.

"Hey Sam..." I begin as we walk in... only to have the words die on my lips. I should have waited and listened to the rest of what Fraiser had to say.

That isn't Sam sitting there. Beth starts to cry, and I find myself clinging to her, holding her before me like some kind of shield.

"What happened?" I manage to ask.

Sam has electrodes all over her head, some kind of keyboard in front of her. I look to Fraiser for an explanation.

"We thought the Entity may be able to communicate with a speech synthesiser," she says.

"We need to get it out of her!" I yell back.

"I don't know that I can!"

What is she saying? We might never get Sam back. Not acceptable dammit!

"This one has memory of you."

The voice is cold inhuman....a computer. Her eyes are looking right at me.

"This one has memory of you," it repeats.

"The one you're talking about is a person." I spit back. "Her name is Lieutenant Colonel Samantha O'Neill."

"Then I am...."

"No...you're not."

I want to make this quite clear. That thing is not my wife. No way.

"We understand that you've taken control of Lieutenant Colonel O'Neill, but you're not her," Fraiser interjects.

"There was no other choice, no other place to go," it says. "You wished to terminate."

"Still do," I reply, wishing I could kill it in some normal way.

"But you will not, not now. I have observed. You value the life of one."

"Yes, I do."

"This one is important."

"She is."

My voice sounds strange, as if I'm about to cry or something. Not even Beth's crying now. She's trying to eat my dogtags. I think she's happier now she can see her mom.

"For this reason, this one was chosen. You will not terminate this one in order to destroy me."

"It went into Sam out if self preservation," Fraiser realises.

"I cannot be removed from this mind without terminating. You will not terminate this one... none of you will. Therefore I will survive. "

It's right. Not one of us would kill Sam. At least I like to think so. So what can we do?

* * *

Daniel actually wants to try talking to it again. I can't believe this guy. My wife is lying there with this thing in her head and he wants to hold a conversation with it. What's worse, General Hammond agreed. So I'm standing here, zat gun pushed down the front of my pants...

It says Sam's mind is intact but I don't know I can believe that. I've stopped seeing my wife lying there. I have to. The general told me we may have to make some difficult choices... and we both knew what he meant.

I can't believe I'm having to listen to the crap Daniel's spouting. Through it all the damn thing manages to sound smug, despite the synthesised voice.

"Why...why did you do this? Why did you come here in the first place?" he asks.

"You attacked," it says.

"No we sent a probe."

"Yes?"

"It's something we do to determine whether or not a place is safe for humans."

"Radio energy was emitted from your probe. Contagion. Much damage was caused within."

"Within what?"

"Within us. It spread before we understood it was poison."

"You're saying you're world was damaged by radio waves from one probe?"

"Yes."

"We didn't mean to hurt you it was a misunderstanding."

"Yet it is done."

"So you came here to?"

"Preserve."

"Preserve your world?"

"Yes."

"How?"

"By destroying you."

"Well that's not going to happen," I tell it.

It's eyes flick back to me. Sam's eyes, but so devoid of life it makes me shudder. Their warm blue is cold.

"Transmission was interrupted. If I had been able to complete transmission you would have been destroyed. My world would have been preserved," it informs me.

"In a way you succeeded. We won't go back there. You can repair the damage and we won't send any more probes through," Daniel says.

"Yes we will," I return.

"Jack?"

Daniel can't believe what I'm saying, but we're past the point of playing games.

"We'll send dozen's of them. One after another. I don't care what it does."

"No."

I've got it worried now.

"Leave her...now," I order.

"You won't."

"You've read my file. think again."

"I must preserve.

"Fine stick to you're guns then."

"Jack," he's trying to stop me.

"Daniel we're gonna do this my way."

"You can't," it says.

"General?"

"You're damn right we can," Hammond agrees with me. He knows this is our best shot.

"No, please." It's begging now.

"Leave her."

"I must preserve."

"If you want to preserve you're world, leave her right now!"

It rips the electrodes from Sam's head. Once free it jumps off the bed an walks quickly out of the door.

"Stand down....let her go," I yell at the men on guard.

We have to see where it's going, what it's going to do. I don't want some trigger happy jarhead shooting Sam. I follow her through the corridors. Even the way she walks is different. It has a mission but wherever it's going it soon finds its way blocked by more security forces. It turns back towards me, raising it's hands towards the ceiling. Energy arcs from its fingertips, but directed upwards, not at any of us. What the hell is doing?

"I believe the alien is attempting to return to the mainframe," Teal'c answers my silent question.

I can't let it do that. I can't give it the chance to get back into the base computers. Thankful I have a choice which isn't terminal, I raise my zat and fire once. The thing in Sam's body hesitates for a second and then starts again. The blast had no effect.

I'm still pointing the zat. At this range I can't possibly miss. Even if someone shoots it, it still may live long enough to complete the transfer. Oh God, I wish it didn't have to be me.

I squeeze the trigger one more time.

I kill my wife.

* * *

I killed my wife.

Her body's still here, kept alive by a bunch of machines.....but we all know the truth.

I killed my wife.

How am I gonna explain to Beth? How am I gonna tell her why she has to grow up without a mom? She'll ask the question someday... maybe not for a couple of years... but someday.

Oh Sam.

She looks like sleeping beauty. Truly. As if it'll just take a kiss to wake her up. Not that I'm gonna try. Everyone would think I'm nuts. I just sit here. I don't hold her hand or anything... you see she's dead so there wouldn't be much point.

I should really go and get Beth. She's staying on the base for now.

Janet comes in. She wants to say something but I don't offer any words of recognition. She's only going to give me bad news. If I ignore her maybe she'll go away and leave me alone. You see we can't keep Sam on these machines indefinitely.

"Sir," she begins.

I still don't look up.

"You know Sam has a living will."

"I know."

There's no point in being angry anymore... there's no point in anything.

"I think it's time to let her go."

"Just give it a minute... "

I can't do this. I can't give my permission to end her life for a second time.

Sam... my beautiful Sam.

"Just... just let me go and get Beth."

I want her here. I want her to touch her momma one more time.

When she catches sight of me, my little girl raises her arms to me. Oh God...what am I doing to her? Despite my doubts, I pick her up, cradling her against my chest. She feels so tiny. When we reach the infirmary my baby starts to whimper.

"Here's momma," I tell her.

She reaches out and touches Sam's arm...then she looks at me and nearly breaks my heart. I bend forward and kiss Sam on the cheek. It's time. The others are here to say goodbye ... Daniel, Teal'c, Charlie, Feretti. I'm not sure it'd take much to make any of us breakdown. Sam's one of those people you can't help but love.

"Hammond order the thing in the MALP room destroyed," Daniel tells me,"Just incase the entity managed to find it's way back there. That's probably what it was trying to do."

It doesn't really matter...not now. We should have blown it up in the first place.

I nod to Janet and she moves towards the respirator.

"SG-1 to the MALP room immediately!" Hammond's voice delivers the order, and it's just the excuse I need. Handing Beth to Janet I lead the way. I'm just putting off the inevitable I know, but it's a damn good excuse.

Siler greet me when we get to the MALP room,

"I think our friend is back, sir," he says.

Then there's only one thing to do...

"Alright let's blow it," I order.

I AM HERE

I barely take any notice of the words on the screen, I just want to make a really big explosion.

"Wait! Look at this!" Daniel exclaimed.

I don't want to look...I want to blow something up.

"The entity," I tell him...d'oh.

"No, it said it couldn't go back. It's Sam."

He sounds so sure. I wish I could believe him.

"Daniel I shot her twice."

"After it transferred Sam's conciousness out of her body," he insists. "You killed the entity after it put Sam into this. She's in here."

"Why? Why would it do that?"

"You demanded it. You threatened to send an army of probes and allowing itself to be killed was the only way to preserve its homeworld. "

Okay, he's convinced me. I make a grab for the phone.

"Get me Hammond... General we have a situation here..."

They wheel Sam in a few moments later. In some way I don't understand, Fraiser hooks her up to the machine. I think this scares me more than anything. What if I've made another mistake?

"This EEG matches Sam's. I don't know how, but it's her," Fraiser says and my heart jumps.

"What can we do?" Hammond asks.

"There's nothing I can do Sir, but to provide a conduit for her to return to her own body."

Behind me I hear Teal'c activat his zat. I look at him, wondering what the hell he's doing.

"The entity has deceived us on many occasions," Teal'c says.

I can't fault him for that. Okay, so this seems like Sam...but how can we be sure.?

"Go ahead Doctor," Hammond orders.

"Yes, sir."

The nurse moves away from Sam as Fraiser makes the final connection. Sparks seem to arc through Sam's body. Her back arches, as if she's fighting something. I want to hold her, to let her know that everything is going to be okay.

All of a sudden she breaths...by herself.

"She's back!"Fraiser smiles.

I step closer, not quite believing what my eyes are telling me. I don't touch her, not yet.

"Hey, Sam... where you been?" I ask.

"It's gone?" she asks.

"Yes it is," Hammond tells her.

"I was shouting for you to hear."

"We heard," I say.

Daniel heard... I didn't. I was too wrapped up in my grief. If he hadn't been so persuasive...

"Beth ?" she questions.

"I'll go get her."

Truthfully, I just want to get out of here for a while and going to find Beth is a good excuse. I still feel like I've betrayed Sam. It's something I won't forget in a hurry. People will tell me I was just doing my duty. I know different. Maybe there was another way, and I just didn't see it. My first instinct is always kill...hurt, destroy. What kind of husband is that? What kind of father?


	16. Step Apart

There's something wrong with Jack.

At first I thought it was just a result of a couple of bad missions, but it's more than that. He's so distant, not just from me, but from Beth too.

Jack is the original doting father. He loves her so much I'd hate to think what he might do if anything ever happened to her. At least that was what he was like before. Now he barely looks at her, he won't pick her up when she cries. If her diaper needs changing or she wants feeding I have to do it. Jack won't.

I think I could handle him not loving me any more, but not our daughter. I wish I knew what was wrong with him but Jack won't talk and I'm left wondering who the hell I married? Jack has always been prone to fits of depression, but this has gone on far too long. Janet agrees with me, but there isn't a whole lot she can do. As far as she's concerned Jack is still fit for duty. She seems more worried about me.

When it's quiet, when I'm on my own, I admit this is wearing me down. So I don't give myself enough time to think about it. I'm back at work, back leading SG-2. The idea was Jack and I shouldn't be off world at the same time, but it hasn't worked out that way. I have to leave Beth with a child minder because he doesn't want to be alone with her.

I can't help feeling he's scared of something, but I don't know what and I don't know why. Some nights he'll hold me so close it almost hurts. And for those brief hours I can forgive him for tearing my world apart. I keep wondering if we shouldn't go a talk to someone, get some professional help. It's hard though, I don't think Jack would agree and even if he did... the reasons behind his behaviour are probably classified. Of course there's always Mackenzie... Even our friends can't really help. As far as most of them are concerned we're the perfect couple. They don't see enough of us to know any different.

Every off world mission fills me with a strange kind of dread. I can't help wondering if Jack will still be there when I get back. If I'll walk into my house and find my daughter crying for her Daddy... if he'll have just taken his things and gone...or even worse... It's distracting me from my work, which could get a lot of people killed.

Luckily, the planet we're on right now is deserted. There are signs of what must have been a technologically advanced civilisation, but what happened to them is anyone's guess. It doesn't look like it was the Goa'uld. I'd lay bets that the machine I'm examining right now played some part. The rest of my team are outside somewhere. It's not good policy, but I didn't really want any of them around. I prefer being alone...

I look up... I could have sworn... For a second it was like there was someone else here. Frowning to myself I go back to work.

The next thing I know I'm in the infirmary and Janet is shining a light into my eyes.

"What happened?" I ask.

"You passed out," she tells me, "Ferretti had to carry you back."

"I feel fine now."

She looks at me, not really trusting my word. I get the feeling she wants to keep me overnight, but I can't allow that. I can't rely on Jack to be there for Beth.

"Did you tell Jack?" I ask.

"Yes."

Her expression speaks volumes. Usually when I'm injured Jack is right by me, getting in every one's way, breaking expensive pieces of equipment. Today he's suspiciously absent.

"Sam," Janet ventures, "You and Jack?"

"We're fine," I lie, "so, what do you think it was?

"You have no contact burns ... but people have been known to black-out from fatigue."

"Come on Janet. I was a little tired, but ..."

"Your premission blood tests did show slight anaemia."

"But, you gave me clearance to go."

"And I'm starting to question that judgement."

"There is nothing wrong with me."

"Okay. At least consider what you've been through the last few years ... You have had a Tok'ra symbiote die in your brain, your memory has been stamped, and then your entire consciousness has been transferred into a computer, then back again ... not to mention giving birth to Elizabeth ...and THAT is just for starters. Eventually, it has to take its toll."

"Are we done?"

"Yes. But Sam ... if there's anything I can do to help ..."

"There's nothing to worry about ... honest."

I wish that were true, but I don't want her to stop me from working. It's all I have.

Leaving as fast as I possibly can, I head towards the briefing room. I know Hammond's going to send SG-16 back to the planet and I want to make sure I'm right alongside them. Jack used to say I got very territorial regard my discoveries. It's not that. I just know I'm the best person for the job.

Whatever I think, General Hammond has other ideas. He orders me to go home. Home. I see Jack on the way out. He's heard about my little trip to the infirmary and Hammond's orders. To his credit, he does seem concerned.

"Hammond said he'd ordered you to take it easy," he says.

"Take it easy?!" I can't help raising my voice. A corridor at the SGC isn't exactly the best place to have a blazing row with my husband.

"Yeah. You've been a little tense," he goes on.

As if he's been around long enough to notice!

"You've been working too hard ... you're gonna crash and burn."

"Jack, I really don't have anything to do at home."

"What about Beth?"

"You know sometimes I need a little adult conversation."

"Go pick Beth up and go home."

"Yes sir!"

"Sam ..."

"And when will you be home?"

He shuffles his feet, refusing to meet my eye.

"Not tonight," he admits, "SG-1 has a mission."

"Fine."

I turn on my heel and leave him standing. He doesn't come after me, but I didn't expect him to. As ordered I leave the base and fetch our child. At least she seems pleased to see me. I find I'm actually looking forward to spending some time with her this evening. I think a long cuddle is in order. She can make her mom feel better.

It annoys me to admit but I hate it when Jack's away. I miss him like crazy ... even in his present mood. The house seems far too empty. I have to wonder if it's something I'm going to have to get used to. Part of me realises that Jack and I can't go on like this. We're unhappy.

Poor Beth, she doesn't realise and maybe that's the best way. After putting her down for the night, I treat myself to a long, hot bath. It's only as I clean my teeth that I feel ... I don't know. Like someone else is here?

"Jack?" I call out. Maybe his mission ended a little early?

But no one answers. I guess I've just got a case of the jitters. I climb into bed, wishing Jack was with me.

* * *

Beth wakes early. Which is unusual. For the past couple of months she's slept right through till 0700. At 5 AM I find myself hauling myself out of bed to see to her. She's crying and crying ... she just won't settle. In the end I take her into my bed, but it doesn't help. Consequently I'm very cranky when I go out to get the paper.

There's a guy in the street. This is kind of strange. The neighbours aren't exactly known for getting up early and skipping about in the morning dew.

"Hi," he says.

"Hi," I reply.

"How are you?"

"Fine ... how are you?"

This is really, really weird. Who is this guy? I don't think he lives around here. Without meaning to I start backing towards my front door.

"Good. Nice to meet you," he goes on.

"Yeah ... uh ... are you from around here?"

I don't know why I'm continuing with this conversation.

"No, but this is where you live."

"Yes, it is. I'm gonna go back inside now."

"Hope to see you again."

"Bye."

Okay, so he is seriously creepy. I lock the door as soon as get back into the house. It's weird, almost like I know him from someplace else.

Trying to distract myself I phone Daniel ... but he's busy and we don't talk for long. I pour myself a glass of water; turn back to the phone and...

"How did you get in here?"

The man from outside, he's standing there, in my kitchen.

"I won't hurt you," he says.

"No, I'll hurt you if you come any closer!"

I pick up the phone and start dialling the base number.

"Please don't. I just wanna talk to you," he protests.

"About what?"

"It's complicated."

"Let's start with how you got into my house?"

Then he tells me he's been here all night. Some crazy story about being invisible ... but I can't help feeling that he might have been telling the truth. Last night, I knew someone was here. And then there was Beth.

"My name is Orlin. I'm from the planet you just visited. I followed you back through the Stargate ..."

And to prove a point he walks through the kitchen counter. This isn't the strangest thing I've seen, but it ranks right up there. If I keep him talking, maybe I can grab Beth and get out of here.

"What do you want?" I demand.

"I'm sorry if I scared you. I just wanted to talk to you. It's been so long since I ..."

But I don't hear any more. I run to the nursery, pick Beth up and leave the house ... slamming the door behind me.

Luckily Mrs Next Door lets me use her phone and I call the base. Within twenty minutes they have a code three team at the house and ... surprise, surprise, Jack is with them. Which makes me wonder if he really had a mission last night, or if he just stayed on the base so he didn't have to come home?

I can tell from his eyes that he doesn't believe me. We sit on the couch, with Beth as a barrier between us. She seems more interested in playing with her toes than in what her mom and dad are doing.

"Sam. No one's accusing you of acting improperly!" he immediately accuses me.

"Colonel, we're done. I'm ordering my men to evacuate the premises," one of the men says ... probably saving Jack's life in the process.

"All right. Notify the local authority ... tell them that the gas leak is fixed," Jack orders.

"Yes, Sir. Our remote surveillance system is set up, and can be monitored from a van on the street. We'll watch the place as long as you want, sir."

"Thanks."

After the team disappear, Jack turns to me.

"I should really get back to base. You going to be okay?"

"Of course. Anyway, so far he's only shown himself to me."

Jack gives a noncommittal type of grunt. He heads towards the door, but hesitates before going through it.

"Maybe I should take Beth with me," he suggests.

"She's fine."

"Have it your way."

And he leaves. I think I would have preferred it if he'd yelled at me. It would have made me feel a lot better. I find it hard to believe he'd leave Beth here ... but then again if he doesn't trust me, doesn't think I really saw Orlin, what danger could she possibly be in?

* * *

Twenty four hours under constant surveillance has worn my nerves to a frazzle. Naturally, Orlin didn't put in an appearance and I've had to suffer the indignity of a psychiatric evaluation. When I finally got home I was ready to cry. I didn't expect to see Orlin standing in front of the fireplace.

Of course he waited until they took the cameras away. This is an intelligent being I'm dealing with after all.

"I just came from a psychological evaluation. Do you understand what that means?" I yell at him.

"They think you're crazy," he says.

"Am I?"

"The first time I saw you ... My kind is capable of a level of communication that shares the innermost being.

"Telepathy."

"Reading someone's mind is an invasion of privacy. It's not about specific thoughts or ... memory. It's a sort of ... exchange of spirit."

"So you did this 'sharing ' thing on me?"

"Unfortunately, you passed out. You must not have been prepared. But I did learn about you."

Damn you Janet, I knew it wasn't fatigue. Despite myself, I find Orlin ... intriguing.

"What did you learn?" I ask

"That you're a good person. That your heart is pure. That on the inside, your spirit is a beautiful as you are on the outside."

I feel myself blush, but I can't afford to let him talk me round.

"Ok, so what are you gonna do? Stalk me for the rest of my life? I have a husband and a child..."

"Actually, I want you to let me try again. I think a human can handle it. I think you have to be ... well ... receptive."

"Then will you go to the SGC, and turn yourself in?"

"No, but I'll leave if you want."

"Ok. What do I do?"

He walks towards me and I try not to flinch away. For a second I think he's going to kiss me, but he doesn't. His entire being starts to glow. I close my eyes, but I can still see him, feel him as his essence joins my own. It isn't invasive; he just brushes the edges of my consciousness. In a way it's more intimate than anything I've ever experienced with Jack.

* * *

They never stopped watching me. That hurts more than anything. Jack said he didn't know, but I'm not sure I can actually believe him. I'm driving home now, hoping to get to Orlin before the NID do. I'd hate to think what they'd do to him. Maybe they wouldn't dissect him, but I don't think I can afford to take that chance. That artefact is a weapon and nothing will stop my people from trying to get it to work, whatever the danger. My people. Over the past week I feel I'm closer to Orlin than I am to anyone here.

Jack has hardly been home since this whole thing started. He told me he was busy. I imagine he's with the guys who are coming after me.

The house is in darkness. I try the lights but they don't seem to be working.

"Orlin?" I call out, "Orlin!"

"Sam? Come on down," his voice replies.

He's in the basement ... just great. I head down there, dreading what I'm going to find. He's already destroyed the microwave and the dishwasher. When I get down there it's not exactly what I expected. There's a circular object in the middle of the room ... and it looks very familiar.

"Whoa! You've been busy,"

"I didn't think they'd let me go back to Velona through their stargate," he says.

"So you built one?"

"Sort of. This one won't dial multiple addresses. It'll only create a wormhole once, then probably burn out."

"And you ordered the materials online?"

"Mostly. Sorry, but you're gonna have a pretty big credit card bill this month. Oh, and you're going to need a new toaster. It's hooked to the main power line. Hopefully we'll be able to draw enough energy."

Oh great the toaster. Jack's going to be cranky tomorrow morning ... assuming we don't blow up the house.

"Now what?" I ask.

"I'm going to Valona to try to stop your people from using the weapon."

"You know, they won't listen to you. They have orders."

"I have to make them listen."

"They could kill you!"

I hear sounds from above. They're breaking into the house. I locked the doors but that won't do any good. Orlin turns away, activating his stargate.

"I was really hoping there would be another way," he says. "You know how I feel about you. I hope this isn't good-bye."

He dives through the stargate. I can hear boots on the stairs. Jack's voice calling my name ...but I force myself not to listen. I have to follow Orlin. If I don't they'll kill him. I know these men. I know they'll shoot first, ask questions later.

The journey through this Stargate isn't a smooth one. I'm literally hurled out of the other end, landing on my butt. I'm not going to be able to sit down for a week. It hurts, but I struggle to my feet and run after Orlin. The sky is dark ... clouds are gathering. It's unlike anything I've ever seen. I know without asking, that 'the others' are here.

"Orlin!!" I yell

But he takes no notice. I can see the weapon. It's powering up. This is all my fault. I was the one who figured out how to work it. I get to the building I can hardly breath but somehow I find the voice to stop them shooting Orlin.

"Hold your fire! I know this man."

"He attacked us," Colonel Reynold's protests.

"Colonel, please. Lower your weapon. He has good reason to want to stop this test."

"I have orders from General Hammond."

"I know. Let's just dial out and talk to the General about it."

"Your instructions, you specifically said, was once we started the energy build-up, we couldn't abort, the reactor would blow."

Damn, damn, damn ... he's right about that. And he's also given Orlin an idea. He pushes me out of the way ... I land on my butt again. I hear a gun go off. Oh God! Orlin is lying there. He's managed to disconnect the weapon, but I think they may have killed him.

I go to him, cradling his head in my hands.

"I can't believe how much this hurts!" he hisses

"Shh ... just hang on, OK?" I tell him.

If I can just get him back to the Stargate, I know Janet can help him.

"Major, we gotta get out of here!" Reynold's shouts at me.

"We can't dial out! We can't risk the blast wave going through the wormhole," I tell him.

"I have to go, Sam," Orlin whispers and suddenly I don't care about asshole Reynolds or about the weapon exploding and out impending death. I think about Beth briefly, but wonder if she wouldn't be better off without me.

He touches my cheek.

"You've given me another chance. There's only one way that I could save you ..."

I hold him as tight as I can, but I can't keep him here. He becomes light.

As he moves away from me, he takes the weapon up ... up ... up. When it explodes it's so far away that we hardly feel it.

I don't know what happens to him, I guess I'll never know.

First Colonel Reynolds yells at me. Then I go back through the Stargate and Hammond wants to know what the hell I was doing.

Then I see Jack.

I'm tired. I'm hurt. I've just seen a friend die.

I don't need another lecture.

"He was living in our house!" he shouts.

"And if you'd been living there too maybe you would have seen him!" I scream back at him.

"Where was he staying? In our bed!"

I can't help myself and hit him as hard as I can. And I can hit hard. I send him crashing into the briefing room table. He lies there, flat on his back. I stand over him and yell...

"I want a divorce!"


	17. Step Closer

In the end it was Jack who moved out. I offered but it really didn't make any sense to uproot Beth. Besides it probably would have taken a Goa'uld Mothership to move all of her stuff. Jack's gotten himself an apartment in town. It's okay, I guess, but not very large so a lot of his belongings are still here. He says he's not going to make things difficult for me. I can have anything I want. Which should make me happy, but it doesn't.

You see, I wish now that I'd never screamed those fateful words.

I don't want a divorce. Not really. But I don't see what other option I have. Jack and I just don't seem to be compatible anymore. I'd like to think we've made it easier on Beth by splitting up now, but I don't believe that for a second. Okay so she may not appear to miss him, but what happens when she gets a little older? When all the other kids have a daddy and she doesn't. I grew up without having two parents, and I didn't want that for my daughter.

Somehow it might have been easier if Jack had been killed in action. Only part of him is dead ... the part that loves me.

Yet life goes on. Our work goes on. Funny thing is, now we're getting divorced, Jack and I can deal with each other a whole lot better. We're totally professional at work. No more shouting in the corridors, which I think has relieved General Hammond.

The whole of the SGC is in a state of repressed excitement. SG-1 made first contact with an alien race who may just be able to help us defeat the Goa'uld. They're called the Aschen.

A whole bunch of the top brass is on their way here to discuss the situation and I have to attempt to give them a presentation. Which is fine, but I'm working with second hand information. Daniel has done his best, but he's not a physicist. What's more, I'm having a devil of a job getting my dress uniform skirt done up. I thought I had lost all my 'baby weight' darn it. Guess all the stress has something to do with it. I make a mental note to myself to stop comfort eating as I finally haul the zipper into position.

There, I'm ready.

The briefing room is more crowded than I've ever seen it. Generals from all branches of the services, senators, ambassadors ... Jack. I guess since SG-1 made the contact it's only right he should be here, but I kind of wish he wasn't.

Taking a deep breath, I start my presentation.

"...so, out of security concerns, The Ashen wish not to reveal the location of their home world until we have an agreement."

It seems to be going well. I think most of my audience are still with me

"We do know that they've created a secondary star in the Volian system by igniting a gas giant thereby doubling the Volian's growing season," I add.

"They made a star! How?" a man in the front row asks.

I recognise him, vaguely. Ambassador Joseph something ... He's good looking, I guess. Very well dressed, his suit and tie are impeccable. And he's brushed his hair for the meeting ... unlike someone I could mention.

"Well, theoretically, by increasing the density of a sufficiently massive gas giant until a thermonuclear reaction can take place. In fact, Arthur C. Clark pasi …," before I can finish, Jack cuts me off,

"Ambassador, you gotta be careful about the use of the word 'how' unless you really wanna know," he grins at me.

I smile back, but it's kind of forced. The last thing I need is Jack being a smartass. He's only doing it to make me uncomfortable.

"My mistake, Colonel," the ambassador says.

"I guess my point is, the achievement itself goes a long way to prove the Aschen are advanced enough to take on the Goa'uld," I say.

As the meeting concludes, General Hammond announces,

"The Aschen have agreed to meet our representative on P3A-194 tomorrow. Colonel O'Neill, both you and Lieutenant Colonel Carter are to make yourselves available to the Ambassador as consultants."

"Yes, Sir," Jack and I reply.

This is just what I wanted, a mission with my soon to be ex-husband. I'm not certain I'm ready for this. Then again, I don't really have much choice. Sure I could go to Hammond and request a reassignment, but it would be akin to professional suicide. The last thing I want to do is give him the impression that Jack and I can't work together.

As everyone begins to leave, the ambassador walks up to me,

"Lieutenant Colonel Carter? Since we're trading knowledge of the Stargate, I, uh … could use a little more of that knowledge myself," he says.

Is he hitting on me? Surely he doesn't really want to know?

"After you, Ambassador," I smile as I gesture towards the control room.

"This place never ceases to amaze me," he says as we walk down.

We talk for a while, about the Stargate, about the possible location of the Aschen homeworld, and then he says,

"Uh, you know what? I have not eaten since … ooh … today!"

"The mess is this way, if you'd like, we can talk more there," I offer.

"I'd like that very much."

There's something about his tone which makes me sit up and take notice. I was just being polite, but he is definitely flirting with me. I glance around guiltily, just in case someone was listening. Harriman is pretending to be interested in his readouts but I know he heard. In which case, it'll be about three minutes before the news gets back to Jack.

This is nothing, I say to myself. Anyway, what have I got to feel guilty about? I'm getting a divorce.

"Follow me," I tell the ambassador.

* * *

Jack and I meet at the armoury to pick up our weapons. He doesn't say anything to me, but I can tell by the tension in his body that he's heard I had lunch with the ambassador yesterday. I wonder if he's jealous? Moving on. Is this what I should be doing? Somehow, I'd always thought I'd fight for my relationship. I guess I'm not the person I thought I was.

We walk to the Gateroom together and I feel I have to say something, just to make conversation.

"I'm giving Beth a birthday party."

He grunts in reply. His daughter is a year old on Friday and that's all he can say ... or not say.

"Some of the mom's from the crèche are coming over ..."

"I'll be there."

"You will?"

"I'm not going to miss her birthday ... what kind of a guy do you think I am?"

I don't know anymore Jack ... and that's the problem.

"I'll even bring Jell-O and ice cream," he goes on.

"And cake?" I ask.

"Okay, I'll bring the cake too."

"Thanks, otherwise I'd have to bake one..."

"We wouldn't want that."

He smiles, I smile ... then the ambassador walks into the Gateroom behind us.

"Good Morning," he says.

Oh dear. I close my eyes for a brief second, wishing the ambassador would just go away. But he won't, he can't and neither can I. Jack is staring at him with open hostility,

"This is what you're wearing?" Jack asks.

"What's wrong with it?" the ambassador demands.

"You look fine," I say, trying to reassure him.

"They said I didn't have to wear a uniform, and I just wanted to make a good impression."

Oh, I hope his suit doesn't get ruined. It must have cost a couple of thousand dollars. But there's something almost attractive about his naiveté. Although I'm sure the guys don't think so.

"Uh … you look great," Daniel adds. "Very sharp."

"Thank you," Joe replies.

"It's the shoes … They're gonna get ruined. It's a … farm … planet," Jack tells him.

I have the strongest desire to laugh, but I choke it down somehow. It's not the ambassador's fault.

He looks nervous. This will be his first trip through the Stargate and the fate of mankind could lie in his hands. The guys should give him a break, especially my soon-to-be-ex-husband. I guess I should count myself lucky that it's only Teal'c and Daniel. If Charlie Kowalski were here I'm sure the ambassador would be in for a very rough ride. Not that I'm happy Charlie broke an arm ... I treat them to a glare, but it does no good. As the 'gate activates, the ambassador takes and involuntary step backwards, gaining himself a smirk from Jack. They walk through without a looking back. I step to the ambassador's side,

"After you," I tell him.

The meeting went well ... if it wasn't for the fact that Jack was on edge the whole time. The more we get to know the Aschen the more difficult he's getting. If there was anything definitive to his objections I wouldn't mind, but he can't possibly hate an entire race because they don't laugh at his jokes. He can be such a child.

"Welcome back," Hammond says as we step back through the Stargate, "As per your instructions, Ambassador, an Air Force Jet is standing by at Peterson to take you back to Washington just as soon as you're cleared by our doctors."

"Thank you, General," he replies. "History will remember your contribution to this."

"O'Neill! Two L's," Jack practically shouts.

He can be so embarrassing.

"And, next time I'm in the neighbourhood, I know a restaurant that beats your Mess hands down," Joe finishes.

He's looking right at me and I feel myself blush. My cheeks are flaming, there's no way Jack won't have noticed. I don't know what to say. Luckily Jack speaks,

"Well, General. I think it might be time to reconsider this retirement thing."

Is he serious? Would he really retire? What would he do all day?

"Not yet, Colonel. Come with me," Hammond disagrees.

Part of me is certainly relieved. If I didn't see Jack every day at work, when would I see him? I don't like the idea of five minutes once a month when he comes to pick up Beth. Or maybe, if he wasn't at work all day, he'd get custody ... I hate that thought even more.

Hammond takes us to the starmap and indicates one of the worlds marked on its surface. I can just about make out the tiny lettering ... P4C-970.

"The President doesn't want to risk such a potentially rewarding alliance on the bases of a note that may or may not have been a warning from the future," he goes on.

I knew that thing was going to come back to haunt me.

"General," I say. "To confirm the Aschen are from a world other than 970 is only prudent."

"It could jeopardize the treaty," Hammond reminds me.

"Next time you get the urge to send a note from the future fill it with a lot more detail," Jack sneers at me.

"I was probably trying to limit the causality violation by keeping it simple," I remind him. "Sir, you know me! I wouldn't have sent the note without a damn good reason! The President should know that!"

"He's under a lot of pressure to present a concrete benefit of the Stargate program before the next election. The bottom line is, he wants us out of it. From now on, this treaty is a State matter," Hammond tells us.

I think I'm only slightly more successful at hiding my disappointment than Jack. I try to find some reason for us to remain involved, there has to be something.

"Well, what did Daniel and Teal'c find out?" I ask.

"They haven't returned yet."

Oh crap!

* * *

I'm scared. The evidence Daniel has found is enough to damn the Aschen, and any hope of an alliance, but we would sacrifice our chance of defeating the Goa'uld. I don't know if our government would be willing to lose that opportunity. Jack has gone to Washington to try and talk to the president ... assuming he can get that far. I have the feeling there are a lot of people who will try and stop him. As for the ambassador, I don't know which way he will jump, what kind of person he is.

Ambassador Faxon is very much on my mind as I walk through the halls of the SGC. I should be sleeping but I want to see Jack when he gets back. I'm not really paying much attention to anything, when I find myself in the commissary. I decide to have some coffee and cake while I'm here. To hell with the comfort eating thing. There aren't many people around so I sit by myself ... that is until Kowalski joins me. I didn't even know he was back at work. He has his arm in a sling, so I have to wonder how 'official' this is.

"So does he know you're married with a kid?" he says.

Nothing like coming straight to the point.

"Who's he?" I ask, even though I know the answer.

"Don't play games Sam."

"He just asked me out to dinner, and unless you haven't noticed, Jack and I haven't been sharing a house for three months."

"Still doesn't give you the right to do what you're doing to Jack."

"We've been having problems for a long time, Charlie, and maybe it's time one of us moved on."

"And you'd certainly be trading up."

"What's that supposed to mean."

"Just think, an ambassador ... nice house, trips to Europe, private school for Beth..."

"Stop it!"

"How could a mere colonel ever hope to compete?"

I hurl my, still hot, coffee into his face and flee from his accusations. Is that really what everyone thinks of me? It's not like I'm throwing myself at the ambassador. It's just dinner ... just dinner. There's nothing wrong ... and it's been so long ... I'm not usually the type of person who bursts into tears, but I just can't help it. Feeling the wetness on my face I find the nearest washroom and settle myself down to have a good cry. This isn't about the ambassador; it's about Jack and how much I miss him. It's about how lonely I am. It's about wondering what the hell my life went so, so wrong.

When I finally emerge, red eyed and dishevelled, I find out that Jack is back ... and it isn't good news. He doesn't talk much during the briefing, just stares out of the window at the Stargate. Under any other circumstances I would have gone to him, but I just can't force myself to. He'll know I've been crying, and I don't want to seem that weak in front of him.

"Apparently, we have agreed to make a token gesture of our good faith. Ambassador Faxon will deliver it personally, and return with an Aschen Delegation to meet Senator Kinsey," Hammond sounds like he's swallowed a cactus.

"We're actually going ahead with this?" I can't help but ask. After everything Daniel told us ... then again we're dealing with Kinsey now, and I know he'll do anything he can to advance his own position. The chance to be known as the saviour of the human race would just be too good to pass up. Except he wouldn't be saving us.

"I'm told we're proceeding with caution," General Hammond sighs.

"What are we offering?" Daniel asks.

"A number of gate coordinates."

"There goes the neighbourhood," Jack mutters.

"Ambassador Faxon has asked that Colonel O'Neill and Lieutenant Colonel Carter accompany him again."

"I thought we were out of it?"

Daniel starts scribbling something in his notebooks. He looks excited about something.

"Apparently, he's insisted," Hammond goes on, "Senator Kinsey's agreed, but only to Lieutenant Colonel Carter which presents us with a window of opportunity."

"What can I do?" I ask, determination creeping into my voice.

"Force their hand somehow."

"I have an idea," Daniel says.

"I can't order you to do this."

"I know, Sir … when do we leave?"

Jack smiles at me and suddenly I feel a whole lot better.

* * *

I can't deny I'm nervous about this mission. There's just so much at stake. At least Ambassador Faxon has agreed to the plan. He's a good man, and I'm glad it's him with me and not Kinsey. The good senator is waiting back at base and I hope he's going to be in for a very nasty surprise.

The harvester is waiting for us and we get 'beamed up' to meet Boring, I mean Borren, and Mollem.

"Colonel O'Neill has not accompanied you?" Borren asks, somewhat relieved.

"His duties require him elsewhere. Of course, it is my pleasure to offer a gesture of our own … coordinates and Stargate symbols to several new worlds," the ambassador replies, smoothly changing the subject.

I hand over my laptop and the Aschen just stare at it, not knowing what to do. I take it from Mollem and place it on the table.

"Oh, let me … the coordinates are on a hard drive in the laptop. It'll just take a moment to display."

"Our leaders would also like to extend an invitation to Earth … to formalize our treaty," the ambassador adds.

While Mollem is staring at the computer, I take out the paper Daniel gave me. It's now or never.

"By the way, Borren, could you read this aloud for me? I couldn't quite translate it," I ask him.

"Of course … 'Sterility'," he replies.

Oh God! That's what they did to the people here and why the population is so low. They've deliberately turned this place into an agrarian colony to suit their needs ... and they'd do the same to us. What's worse, I can't help wondering if a man like Kinsey wouldn't agree to their terms. Sure he'd be okay. He'd probably wind up as president. Mollem knows something is wrong and he looks at me.

"We knew what you were planning, Mollem, this just confirms it," I tell him.

"Lock them in here, we have a treaty to conclude," Mollem snaps, the first emotion I've ever seen him display.

"If we don't come back alive, the treaty is off!" I shout after him.

"Well, that will be your loss … we have what we wanted."

As he leaves, I turn to Ambassador Faxon, knowing I've condemned him to whatever fate the Aschen have in store for me.

"I'm sorry," I tell him.

But our conversation is interrupted by the sound of the gate activating. I drag him onto the balcony and watch the chevrons engage.

"They're dialling Earth!" I yell.

There's another noise, one I don't recognise.

"What is that?!" the ambassador shouts.

"I don't know," I admit. "But we have to find out."

He helps me take off my backpack and I pull out a rope. Securing it to the railing I swing myself over the edge,

"When I get to the bottom follow me down. We'll only have a few seconds over the gate," I order.

"What?" he asks.

"Just do what I tell you, when I tell you. Trust me."

I'm letting myself down when I hear the voices above me. I don't know exactly what's happening, but I can hear the sounds of a scuffle. The gate below me opens up and I send the signal from my GDO. If we're going it has to be now.

"Ambassador! NOW!" I shout, hoping he can hear me.

As I look up I see something which nearly makes me let go of the rope. It's one of their biological weapons. The ambassador's face appears for a second,

"Go," he yells at me.

And I know I have to. I look up at him for a second and he nods at me, telling me it's okay. But it isn't ... It never is. Leaving someone behind shouldn't ever happen, but I know this time I don't have an option. I've sent through my ID code so I know the SGC will keep the iris open, and they'll be nothing to stop the weapon ... unless I get there first.

The ambassador is gone, dragged away by Borren. I don't know what will happen to him and I don't have time to worry. Drawing my knife I slice through the rope, allowing my body to fall through the open gate. Next thing I know, I'm bouncing down the ramp. It hurts. It hurts bad.

"Close the iris!" I scream, partially with the need to be heard, and partially because my arm hurts so much.

I hear the iris sliding shut over the wormhole and I lay my head back. We're safe, I realise ... and my arm hurts.

* * *

Home, I'm finally home.

After putting Beth down for the night ... not easy with only one functioning arm, I curl up on the couch with a bottle of wine, a good book, and a box of chocolates. I'm trying not to think about what happened today and how close we came, or about Ambassador Faxon. At least Kowalski will be happy ... I never did get to have dinner with 'another man'. I can't honestly say I would have gone through with it. At least I'm on medical leave for a couple of days; it'll give me a chance to sort myself out a little.

Then I remember it's Beth's birthday party tomorrow.

The pain meds Janet's given me mean I have no choice but to sleep well. In fact, I'm still feeling a little woozy when I get up the next morning. Beth doesn't help matters. She can crawl now and she's continually underfoot as I try to clean the house and prepare snacks. I'm just about at the end of my tether when the doorbell sounds. Looking at my watch I realise, whoever it is, they're incredibly early.

Swearing to myself, I make sure Beth it relatively safe, before answering the door.

It's Jack.

It's Jack with a cake and a bagful of groceries. I could kiss him.

The sad thing is, I don't. I just stand back and let him in. Beth comes crawling towards him immediately and he scoops her up in his arms.

"She's got a lot faster," I tell him.

"Yeah .... What can I do?" he asks.

After another hour of cleaning and 'cooking', we're ready when the other moms turn up. The living room is a mass of babies and Jack looks like he's having the time of his life. He's really great with all the kids and doesn't seem to mind have three of them crawling over him at once. All my friends think he's great, and tell me how lucky I am. I don't have the heart to let them know the truth.

At 1700 it's all over. The house looks like there's been a small war but there hasn't been any major damage ... apart from when Beth's friend Anna got all the flour and oil out of one of the lower kitchen closets and mixed it all together on the floor. Oh and the cookies, Benjamin ground into the carpet...

Jack hangs around to help me clear up and it's pretty late by the time we're finished. He puts Beth to bed and reads her a story. She laughs and giggles as he makes funny voices.

"It's late, why don't you stay?" I ask him as he heads for the door.

"I don't think so," he replies.

"Really, I don't mind. Please, Jack."

He shakes his head, and I can see the regret in his eyes.

"I have an early start tomorrow," he says.

"Jack, can't we, just talk a little while? Maybe ... maybe we can work something out."

"I already told you, you can have whatever you want."

"I'm not talking about the divorce Jack."

"Then you should be."

"Why? Why shouldn't I want to stay married to you? I still love you ... and I think you still love me."

"I do, but ..."

"But what?"

"I really should get going. I'll see you."

And he leaves. I stand in the hallway, wondering exactly what just happened. If Jack still loves me then why doesn't he want to be with me? There's something here that doesn't add up, but I'm going to find out exactly what it is.

For the first time since Jack moved out I find myself with some hope that maybe, just maybe, we'll be able to work this out.


	18. Desperate Steps

I've never seen such a filthy child. I left her in the crèche at the gym an hour ago and I didn't really think she could get into so much trouble in such a short space of time. Definitely her father's influence. Apparently, the older children were making a collage and Beth wanted to 'help'. She has glue on her dress, in her hair ... up her nose. I can see I'm going to spend the rest of the morning cleaning her up. Maybe I should give up with her hair and just cut it all off?

She has to look perfect, you see. We're meeting her daddy this weekend and we're going to the zoo to see the animals. Jack just thinks we're getting together to talk about the divorce, but he's in for a bit of a surprise. Should I feel bad about manipulating my husband?

Well I don't.

This time I'm not letting go without a fight. If Jack really wants this, he's going to have to drag me to court kicking and screaming.

Despite Beth's glue bath, I thank the care staff, and my daughter and I head out to the parking lot. She's babbling about something as I carry her towards the car. Beth doesn't say many words yet ... but Da Da Da is a favourite. I make sure she says it every time she sees Jack.

We get to my car and I'm strapping her into her car seat, when I hear something behind me. I turn just as two men grab me and starts pulling me away. Even though I struggle, I know I can't do much. I start screaming, hoping that someone, anyone will come and help.

Then a third man appears. He goes straight for the car ... Beth!

I feel muscles tear as I twist free of the men who are holding me. Fear for my daughter's life has given me a strength I didn't know I possessed. My shoulder hurts like hell, but I tackle the man who is trying to take my daughter. I manage to pull him away from the car and slam him into the ground. I'm grinding his face into the tarmac when Beth's cry distracts me and... Nothing.

"Sam, C'mon Sam."

My head feels like it's about to explode.

"Beth!"

I try to sit up and...

"Don't move."

I think I'm going to be sick.

"Where's Beth?" I ask.

"Sam, you have to relax. You're safe now."

It's Janet's voice, but she's still not telling me what I want to know. If she's not careful I'll make sure I spew in her direction. I guess it's too much to ask for Jack to be here. He may not even be on this planet.

"General Hammond recalled SG-1," Janet says, answering my unspoken question. "They should be back ..."

"What the hell happened?" My husband's voice.

I manage to raise my head enough to see Jack storm into the infirmary. He must have come straight here from the Gate room, because he's covered in a thick layer of mud. I can see Janet is aching to say something, but she doesn't dare.

"Beth," I tell him.

"Where ... where is she?"

"I don't know."

The admission finally breaks me and I burst into tears. He turns away from me, seeming almost indifferent to our daughter's fate.

"Don't you dare!" I yell at him, "Don't you dare turn away from me Jack O'Neill. I am not Sara; I'm not just going to let you go!"

His back straightens, and he whirls round to face me. The anger in his eyes is terrible to see.

"I wasn't the one who was supposed to be looking after her!"

My God this is all so, so wrong and I have no idea how to fix it. I never, ever thought Beth would be in any danger. How could I?

"Jack please..." I say, not wanting to argue anymore.

Jack, expression softens, his arms go around me and he pulls me close.

"We'll find her," he whispers, "but you have to tell me what happened."

"She could be dead by now!"

"If they wanted her dead they would have killed you as well."

His words are logical, but I'm not really in the mood for rational right now.

"I'll find her myself," I snap as I try to get out of bed.

Oh ... that was a mistake. My legs don't want to hold me up and I find myself sprawled on the floor.

"You ready to listen to me now?" Jack asks.

"Bastard!"

He kneels down beside me and pulls me close again.

"Tell me," he whispers.

It's all I can do to remain coherent, but I tell Jack what happened. I don't remember that many details, maybe I will in the future, but I can't now. It's enough for Jack though.

"I'm going to get cleaned up," he tells me. "I've got an idea where to start."

"I'm coming with you."

"Not yet. Stay here, and get some rest."

"Jack ..."

He nods to Janet, and I feel the prick of a needle. Damn.

* * *

I know why Jack went to Maybourne, but it doesn't make me feel any better. Let's face facts, the man is a snake. I don't even like being in the same universe. We're in a parking lot, waiting for the slime ball to appear. It's been two days. Long enough for me to get over my concussion, long enough for Beth to...

But I can't think about that. We're going to find her. Jack promised and I believe him. I have to. God, I keep on wondering what I did wrong. Could I have saved my daughter? Now I understand, just a little, how Jack feels about Charlie. If we don't find Beth alive, then I'm not sure I want to live either. I just wish someone could tell me why? Why would someone want a helpless child? She can't give them anything. She's so small, so tiny. She can't defend herself.

I'd have burst into tears again if Jack hadn't tugged on my sleeve. It's Maybourne. Before I can react Jack grabs the other man and pushes his face into the window. Not fair, I wanted to rough Maybourne up a little!

"You lied to me," Jack hisses. "Get in."

We climb into his car, Jack riding shotgun while I get in the back.

"Technically I didn't lie. I said I didn't know where your daughter was or why she was taken," Maybourne snivels.

"What was the three million dollars for?" I ask.

"I acquired a piece of merchandise from the Russians and sold it to Zedatron."

"What?" Jack asks.

"A symbiote."

"What?"

"On their second mission, back when their Gate was active, the Russians ran into a group of Jaffa."

"I read that report."

"What the report didn't say was the Russians managed to take one of the Jaffa alive. They've held him in custody ever since."

"So why kidnap Beth?"

Maybourne glances at me.

"Carter once had a symbiote inside her."

It still doesn't make sense, but we let Maybourne takes us to the office of the doctor who received the symbiote. I think he's impressed by the fact I'm the one who picks the lock and get us in there. Maybourne goes straight to the computer and switches it on.

"I'm in," he says "Adrian Conrad's medical file."

It pretty clear why he wanted a symbiote. Adrian Conrad is dying.

We send the file to Janet who tells us that Conrad's condition is such that he's going to need some pretty serious medical support. And it's Daniel, God bless him, who comes up with a possible location. Unfortunately, it's not exactly local. Seattle to be exact.

Maybourne, being a fugitive and all, can't exactly catch a plane, so we have to drive. Jack takes the first leg and I sit beside him. Our passenger appears to be asleep. The problem with implanting a symbiote is that we can't get it out again, not with current medical technology. I'm the only person on Earth who has had a symbiote leave my body. And I have that weird protein marker in my system.

"So why didn't they take you?" he asks.

"I guess Beth was an easier target. It's possible the marker could have passed through the placental barrier."

"If you say so."

"Jack, I think that's what they want. Maybe they think they can use that to get the symbiote out of Conrad, after it's cured him."

I see his knuckles whiten on the steering wheel.

"Will they hurt her?" he asks.

"I don't know."

Later, when Maybourne's taking his turn at the wheel, Jack and I sit in the back, not quite huddled together.

"Try and get some sleep," Jack tells me.

"I can't," I tell him.

Unbidden, Jack pulls me into his arms.

"That better?" he asks.

"I heard you two were having problems," Maybourne says from the front seat.

"Shut up and drive," Jack tells him. "It's none of your damn business."

Part of me hopes that this experience will draw Jack and I back together again, but I'm scared he'll turn his back on me when this is all over.

* * *

There's a SWAT team waiting for us when we get to St. Christine's. And so are Teal'c and Daniel.

Neither Jack nor I have had much sleep. When this is all over I'm probably going to collapse. Until then I'm armed and I'm very, very dangerous. Jack hands me a bullet proof vest, before pulling his own on. He's snapping orders,

"Cover the exits and wait for my signal and somebody watch that guy," he says, referring to Maybourne.

"Oh come on Jack, this is my fault, let me help try and fix it," Maybourne pleads.

"Fine, grab a vest. You're with us."

Actually, Jack is probably the only person I trust to control Maybourne.

"Can I have my gun back?"

"No. Daniel, Teal'c, take the front entrance."

I don't know how Jack can remain so calm. It's hard for me, knowing my daughter could be so close. I'm still not sure what Maybourne hopes to get out of all this. He's right about it being his fault. I really want to ring his podgy little neck.

We're walking along a corridor. This place gives me the creeps. I can almost feel the pain behind the walls.

A door opens and Jack hauls me into a room. Maybourne is still out there. Jack signals for me to stay put as he moves to another door.

"Freeze! Who are you? What are you doing here?" a man's voice demands.

He doesn't get the chance to speak again. There's a muffled thump as Jack knocks him out. As I put my head round the door I see Maybourne bend to pick up the discarded gun.

"Ahh. Ahh," Jack warns.

"You want me to watch your back or not?" Maybourne argues.

He moves away and Jack just shrugs. With both of us watching Maybourne there's not a whole lot he can do. We follow Maybourne as he leads us up to the next floor. I hate this. Every room we look into I expect to see my daughter's body. Then I hear it ... a child's cry.

I leave the others behind as I race towards the source of the sound. I force my way into the room, the scene before me registering in a second.

Beth.

Two doctors.

A syringe.

"Hold it! Drop it! Drop it! Right now! Don't even fool around!"

If one of them so much as twitches, he's dead.

"Da Da Da!" Beth says.

Maybourne forces the two men up against the wall, freeing me to go to Beth. I sweep her into my arms. And then Jack is there, holding us both.

"Daniel, we got Beth. She's okay," he says into his radio.

"That's good but I think we have another problem," Daniel replies.

He's in a lab. Apparently there's and empty tank, a dead woman and no sign of Adrian Conrad. It doesn't take a genius to work out what's happened.

"Sam, get Beth out of here," he tells me.

I'd like nothing more than to go after Conrad, but I know Beth must come first. Jack then turns to Maybourne.

"Why don't you stay here and watch these guys?" he asks.

"That's fine," Maybourne replies.

"You'll be here when I get back, right?"

"Oh yes Jack."

We both know he won't be. But I guess he's deserved the right to leave. He has helped us.

"I'll see you later," Jack tells me, dropping a kiss on my forehead and another one on Beth's.

I carry Beth outside. She's whimpering a little, I don't know if it's because of what she's been through to because she wants her daddy. I sincerely hope she's not going to remember this. The worst thing is we'll never know exactly what they did to her. She can't tell us. And now I have to worry every second, of every day, that someone is going to try and take her again.

Outside, Teal'c and Daniel greet us. Happy to know we're safe. Some miraculous person produces some baby food and I feed Beth. Consequently, it's some minutes before I realise that Jack isn't back yet. I'm torn between holding onto my daughter and going to find my husband. Beth is sleepy and I decide to take the risk. I hand her to Teal'c.

"Look after her," I tell him.

"I will guard her with my life," he tells me.

"And I will too," Daniel adds.

I squeeze his hand in thanks before drawing my gun and heading back into the building. I head back to the room where Maybourne was ... I'm not totally surprised to find he's vanished. But there's no sign of Jack. Heading upwards doesn't make any sense. If Conrad was trying to get out he'd find another way. So I go down.

The basement is dark and dank. There's water dripping from the ceiling, testament to the building's dilapidated condition. And it smells pretty bad. All I can hear is the fall of water. I want to find Jack and it's all I can do to keep my movements controlled and careful. I'm starting to wish I'd brought someone with me. My back feels very exposed.

Oh God!

There's a body sprawled in front of me and it's Jack. For all of ten seconds I freeze. I have to force my body forward, to secure the area before I let myself drop to my knees beside my husband. My fingers automatically reach for his pulse. After I've assured myself he is actually alive, I grab his radio.

"Man down. Colonel O'Neill's been shot. This is Lieutenant Colonel Carter; I'm in the boiler room. Repeat Colonel O'Neill has been shot. We need an ambulance now!"

"Oy."

Jack stirs, rolling over onto his back

"Jack, are you okay?" I ask.

"I've been shot."

Right, dumb question. It could have been so ... so much worse.

"Your vest stopped one of the bullets," I tell him.

"I want sleeves on my vest," he complains.

"You're gonna be fine. Help's on the way."

"I'm not kidding. They should put sleeves on these things."

"Did you see who shot you?"

"No ... Beth?"

"She's fine. Teal'c has her."

"Good."

"Easy."

And, holding hands, we wait for help to arrive.

* * *

"I can't believe the son of a bitch shot me!" Jack exclaims.

"Da Da Dad," says Beth.

I haven't taken her to the crèche today. It'll be a while before I can let her out of my sight again.

"Well we don't know for sure it was Maybourne," I remind him.

I can't believe I'm giving the SOB the benefit of the doubt.

"We also don't know how Maybourne and Adrian Conrad got by the men surrounding the hospital. However the local authorities have admitted they may have dropped the ball," General Hammond admits.

"May? May have?!" Jack says.

"Diiirty," Beth grins at him.

I really wish that wasn't one of her favourite words. It's my fault ... it started when she showed an unhealthy interest in the coal scuttle.

"The FBI and Interpol have been alerted, unfortunately we can't tell them everything," Hammond continues.

"The bottom line is there's a Goa'uld out there somewhere ..."

It's not a pleasant thought.

"GOOOOLD!" Beth announces.

Oh great, now my daughter is a security risk! Jack seems amused though. He holds out his good arm, and I hand Beth over.

"When can I go home?" he asks the inevitable question as he cuddles his daughter.

Janet looks at me, then at Jack...

"If you can find someone to drive you ...," she begins.

"I'll do it," I immediately volunteer.

She's such a good friend. Jack looks a little nervous, but he really, really wants to get out of here.

"Give me ten to get changed," I tell him.

I don't give him time to reply as I race to the locker room. Pulling clothes out of my locker, I wonder if I should put on my emergency, decent underwear. I decide against it. Knowing Janet, she'll pack Jack full of pain pills. That and the wounded arm will definitely put paid to any seduction plans. Besides I'm not exactly sure what he might want. Best to take things a little slowly.

Jack is also dressed by the time I get back to the infirmary ... and Beth is mysteriously covered in cotton wool. I scoop her up in my arms, figuring I can clean her up later. Jack falls into step beside me, but I know he's hurting. He doesn't say a word as we make our way to the surface and climb into my car. In fact he only speaks when I deliberately miss the turning to his apartment and head towards the house.

"Sam ...," he begins.

"Jack!" I warn. "You need someone to look after you."

"I'll be fine."

"You'll be living on pizza and forgetting to take your medication. Besides I don't think I'd feel comfortable being alone in the house with Beth."

He just nods, understanding my reluctance. Two of us have a hell of a better chance of protecting her than just one. Even Jack with his arm in a sling can be dangerous.

There's a sense of completion as we walk into the house together. Jack's pretty tired and doesn't want to do anything but sleep. He makes some pretence about taking the guest room, but I settle him in our bed, propped up on half a dozen pillows. For a moment, I consider crawling in beside him, but realise that would be pushing things a little. So I close the door softly and go to feed Beth. It's enough to have Jack in the house again.

He's sleeping peacefully when I check on him. Unbidden, I sneak into our room and press my lips against his.

"Thank you," I whisper.

His eyes flutter open and he looks at me. I place a finger on his mouth, not wanting any words. This isn't the time or the place for discussion. I just want him to know that I don't mind he's here. He catches my hand for a second ... then he tugs on it. I don't know if it's just comfort or something more, but I let him draw me into bed beside him.

Now I know he's home.


	19. Xtreme Steps

My husband is an officially an ass.

I thought things were getting better. I mean his body is back in my house, my bed ...but his heart and soul are still out there somewhere. This weekend was supposed to be special. I'd arranged for Janet to mind Beth, booked a good restaurant, bought some new lingerie ... only to have Jack turn around and tell me he was going to England. Blackpool ... in November! Apparently there's a Wormhole X-Treme convention and, as air force liaison officer, he's been asked to attend.

"I don't know what you're so worried about," Janet says after listening to me rant for half an hour, "It's going to be full of ageing men in Star Trek uniforms."

"It's not that. I just wanted to spend this weekend together," I complain.

"Then go with him."

"What?"

"If you call the airline now you could be on a plane tomorrow."

I have to admit that thought hadn't crossed my mind.

"Surprise him," she suggests.

Which is why, twenty four hours later, I find myself on a plane to Heathrow. As soon as we take-off I start to wonder about my actions. If Jack really wanted me with him, surely he would have asked? And Beth? Leaving her with Janet while I'm across town is one thing, but when I'm out of the country? Given what happened last month, should I be leaving her at all? Although I have to admit, she'll be as safe as she'd be with Jack and me.

As I sit back in my seat, I force myself to stop worrying and relax. I actually enjoy travelling by myself. For the next seven and a half hours no one can get to me. If the world wants saving it will just have to wait. Luckily the flight isn't full and I have room to stretch out across the seats. Two glasses of wine later and I'm dead to the world. One thing the military has taught me is to sleep anytime and anywhere.

I don't sleep the whole flight, but it's enough to ensure I'm fairly alert when we land. The last thing I'd want to do is drive on the wrong side of the road when I'm half asleep. There's a hire car waiting for me and, not without a little trepidation, I take to the roads of the British Isles. Driving, it isn't. It's a series of stops and starts. First there is the M25, which resembles a parking lot. Then, after a couple of fairly easy hours I hit the M6 ... the construction work starts here and doesn't seem to stop. Ten hours after landing, I finally hit Blackpool!

When I finally get to the hotel I am really cranky. There seem to be hundreds of people around. Fans I guess? And Janet was so, so wrong in her analysis. Most of them are women and most of them are cute. I collect my pass and I follow the stream of people into the main hall. Just in time to witness the end of the costume competition and the Vulcan Goddess of Kinky Sex stepping out onto the stage.

To my disappointment I can't see Jack. I recognise several of the Wormhole X-treme cast members, who are judging the competition, but he isn't among them. Behind me there seems to be some kind of paper plate war going on and I decide it's probably time to go to bed. According to my schedule, Jack is due to give his talk first thing tomorrow morning. I'll catch up with him then, when I'm not ready to hit something.

Luckily there's no one at the reception desk (apart from a woman who seems to have lost her room key) and I get checked in without any real problems. When I enquire about Jack however, I'm firmly told he's staying somewhere else. They won't believe I'm his wife. I mean, do I look like some kind of obsessed fan? Giving up, I go to my room. It's ... interesting, to say the least. The single bed bows in the middle, the drapes need mending and the entire bathroom could do with de-scaling. What's worse, there's no room service!! By this time I no longer care about food and I drop into bed.

I sleep late the next morning, and almost miss the start of Jack's talk. Since there seems to be a gale blowing outside, I forgo going out for breakfast and grab a handful of bacon on my way past the dining room and shove it down my throat as I hurry into the main hall. It's packed. I'd like to think it was for Jack, but I have the feeling they're waiting for 'Colonel Danning' who's on next. Finding a seat at the back, I soon realise I needn't have worried; they're running twenty minutes late.

My heart gives a painful lurch when Jack finally appears. He's dressed in dark pants and a white T-shirt and dammit but he looks good! Seems a lot of the other women in the audience agree with me because the first question he's asked is,

"Colonel O'Neill, do you wear boxers or briefs?"

"Uh...," Jack starts. Then he coughs, "briefs out in the field, boxers at home."

There's a cheer. Oh God I think they want to see!! I really, really don't want him to strip on stage, but it seems that modesty prevails and he just gives them a peak. He's wearing a pair I gave him one Valentine's Day; red silk. After that the questions settle down a little and he actually has to answer some pretty technical queries, which he fields with ease. I'm actually proud of him. It's about twenty minutes into his question time when someone asks,

"Why can't Colonel Danning and Major Munroe get together?"

"It's against Air force regulations for two officers in the same chain of command...," he begins.

There are cheers from one half of the audience and jeers from another.

"Couldn't she resign and work in the labs?" Another fan asks.

"There would still be a problem," Jack replies.

"Why?"

"Because Colonel Danning could be put in a position where he would be forced to choose between the safety of the base and someone he cares about. For example, he may have no choice but to take her life."

There's silence in the hall, apart from one voice which yells out,

"Jack O'Neill you ass!"

Then I realise it's me. Everyone looks at me. Jack is squinting into the light trying to see who's shouting at him, although he should know that sound very well by now. I get up from my seat and push my way to the centre aisle. Suddenly, everything is making a weird kind of sense. Our problems started when Jack was forced to 'kill' me!

I run towards the stage, wanting nothing more than to throw myself into my husband's arms. No one knows what's happening; least of all the security personnel who make a feeble attempt to stop me. I shove one into the crowd seated to my left and flip a second over my shoulder before scrambling onto the stage.

"Sam, what the hell?" Jack stutters.

"You idiot," I tell him. "I would have been more annoyed if you didn't shoot me!"

Then I kiss him. There's a dull thunk as his microphone drops to the floor and his arms go about me, pulling me close. The crowd are cheering again, but for the time being we're completely oblivious. It feels so good to have Jack kiss me like he means it. When we finally feel the need to breathe, he bends and picks up the microphone.

"My wife," he says, "she missed me."

I snuggle into the crook of his arm.

"I think the talk's over," Jack adds.

He drops the mike again, sweeps me up into his arms and carries me off stage.

* * *

Needless to say, Jack's hotel's a whole lot better than mine. Huge bed, room service, and a bath to die for. Being too tired last night ... and too late this morning, I haven't taken a shower for forty-eight hours. Hence I make a bee line for the bathroom. After ordering strawberries and champagne, Jack joins me. It's been a while since I last saw him naked and I can see where he's lost weight. I, on the other hand, have been hitting the ice cream far too often. Not that Jack seems to mind. We should talk, but we have a few more important things to get out of the way first.

It's late afternoon by the time we get around to the talking part. We're wrapped in bathrobes and lounging on the bed, a plate of snacks between us.

"Why?" I ask him.

"What?"

"Don't act dumb, Jack. You've put me and Beth through hell these past few months/"

He hesitates.

"Please, Jack."

"I killed you, Sam. I took Beth's mom away from her and the worst thing is I'd do it again," he says.

"Jack..."

"Charlie was my fault!"

"This wasn't the same."

"Yes, it was!"

"Then you're going to damn well have to live with it! Because I am not giving up on our marriage!"

"Sam, please."

"I need you, Beth needs you! Dammit Jack, we both know the hazards of the job. Either of us could die tomorrow. I could step out of the hotel right now and get run down by a tram!"

"But it was me."

"And that makes a difference?"

"Yes."

"It shouldn't. I only hope I'd have the courage to make the same decision."

Jack doesn't look convinced and I don't know what else to say. Luckily the phone rings, saving us from an awkward silence ... or more shouting.

"What," Jack snaps as he picks up the phone. He listens for a few seconds and then turns back to me, his hand over the mouthpiece,

"I'm supposed to be helping out at the auction," he says.

"Go," I tell him.

"Are you sure?"

"Yeah."

"I'll meet you for dinner?"

"Sure."

I roll over into my back, watching him as he gets dressed. Then I have an idea,

"I'm coming with you," I decide.

"What?"

"Jack, call me suspicious but I really didn't like the way some of those women were looking at you."

"Jealous?"

"I just don't want them auctioning off your butt... not unless I'm there to bid on it!"

In the end Jack's butt costs me five hundred dollars, near enough. There's no way I'd let anyone else near it! I'm the only one who has the right to caress those particular cheeks and I make sure all the ladies here know it.

I wish we could have gone out for dinner, but due to the gale blowing outside; it's actually too much effort to leave the hotel. So we end up in the hotel restaurant, where Jack wines and dines me in fine style.

"I know you're right," he tells me as we settle into bed.

"Then why...?" I begin.

But he interrupts me,

"My head knows, but my heart stopped when I thought you were dead."

"Let me back in, Jack."

"I'm trying, I really am."

"When we get home, maybe we should try some kind of counselling?"

He looks at me as if I've been taken over by an alien. I know he hates counsellors of any description, but in this case I think we need help.

"Okay," he nods.

Smiling, I snuggle into his arms, pleased he wants to work at our marriage.

"I love you," I tell him.

"Love you too," he whispers.

I fall asleep with the sound of the wind howling, the rain beating against the widows, but Jack still loves me ... and everything is okay.


	20. Step Beyond

"Don't touch me!"

"He may still be radioactive," Kowalski tells me.

I respond automatically to the snap of the order even though I don't understand what's happening. All I heard was that someone on SG-1 had been injured. They didn't tell me who it was. I find myself stumbling behind, following them to the infirmary. I don't understand. How could this be happening? Why is it happening?

Janet appears from somewhere, calm and collected in the midst of everything.

"Let's get him scrubbed down," she orders, and then she hesitates. "Do we know what kind and how much?

"It was a device, housing an unstable radioactive variation of Naqahdah. We think his right hand was exposed to the equivalent of over 8-9 grays of neutron radiation resulting from direct contact. Full body exposure of over seven," Kawalski rattles the figure off.

"Oh my God."

"Janet, what is it?" I ask.

"Doctor?" General Hammond prompts.

"It's a lethal dose, sir," she replies.

And I hit the floor.

I'm not usually the fainting kind. In fact, I can't recall the last time I actually passed out. When I was pregnant with Beth maybe? When I come round someone has moved me to a bed, but I don't stay there. I have no idea how long I've been out. He might have already... I brush away the nurse who attempts to help me.

"Where is he?" I demand.

"In isolation," she replies.

Despite my eagerness to see him, I find myself hesitating in the doorway. He's sitting on the bed. Apart from his bandaged hands there doesn't appear to be anything wrong with him. Although I don't speak, he somehow senses my presence and begins to talk,

"Nausea will be followed be tremors, convulsions and something called ataxia. Surface tissue, brain tissue and internal organs will inflame and degrade; I believe that's called necrosis. Now based on the dose of radiation I got, all that will happen in the next 10-15 hours and if I don't drown in my own fluids first, I will bleed to death and there is no medical treatment to prevent that."

"Jack?" I breathe.

He doesn't reply.

"You are not going to die!" I tell him.

"Sam..."

"There must be someone off-world..."

"Where? Who? Even if you could get permission to go you wouldn't know where to start!"

I can't believe what he's saying. Does he just want to die? Knowing Jack he just might.

"What happened?" I demand.

"There was an accident. I guess the scientists figured the Government would hold them responsible. I guess they decided it was easier to blame me."

"And you're okay with this?"

"If they really want to blame me, denying it isn't going to change anything. Ten thousand years ago a Goa'uld tried the same experiments that they're trying and he nearly blew the entire planet to bits. I tried telling them that, they wouldn't listen. They're gonna build that bomb and nothing we say is gonna stop them."

"Over my dead body!"

"No...It'll be over mine."

His final words betray his anger. I don't know why I didn't see it before. He hates this. Whether it's the accusations, dying this way... leaving me. We've talked about this. In our many counselling sessions this subject naturally came up. I think Jack always thought it would happen quickly. A bullet through the heart, head blown off by a staff weapon... that kind of thing. What he has to look forward to are hours of pain and then.

Hammond calls the Asgard and then he tries to get in touch with Dad. I'm grateful, but it's not enough. Neither of them responds to our calls and in the meantime Jack is dying. In the meantime, Kawalski has gone back to Kelowna to negotiate for Naquadria. Apparently the stuff packs quite a punch, as Jack can attest to. I think we should just let them blow themselves to hell.

The nurses usher me out when Jack needs his dressings changed. He's not talking anymore. It hurts too much. I watch through the window, trying to be strong for him. If I'm honest with myself, I think I've forgotten how to cry. I'm sitting here, watching my husband die and I can't shed a tear for him. Janet walks into the room and places her hand on my shoulder.

"I ought to warn you, it's going get a lot worse and it's going to happen fast," she says.

"I'm sure you're doing everything you can," I nod.

"Sedatives and painkillers. That's all we can really do. You have no idea how painful this is going to get. You know, I would never normally say this, it goes against everything I've been trained to do but the truth is he'd be a lot better off if I…"

Her words fade, and I can't help but silently agree with her. I have a living will myself, but I know Jack doesn't. In his case, we're still hoping for a miracle.

Oh...

Oh...

The Tok'ra healing device.

I wrench myself away from Janet's hand.

"What?" she asks.

"I have an idea," I tell her, before hurrying away.

I take the device from the safe and fit it into the palm of my hand. Feeling my blood sing I head back to the infirmary. Despite my confident words, I'm nervous. Especially given the fact I have an audience. General Hammond, Teal'c, Daniel, Kawalski; they're all standing there.

"Jack. I didn't suggest this before because the truth is, I'm not really sure what I'm doing with this thing. I could make things worse," I tell him.

His eyes meet mine and he give an almost imperceptible nod. I lift the device and it starts to glow. It's part of me as I run it over Jack's prone body. The last thing I expect is for his body to start jerking uncontrollably.

"He's seizing. Get the crash cart; give me 5 of Valium," Janet orders as the medical team push me out of the way.

"I'm sorry. I'm sorry!" I call out to Jack.

I keep repeating the words long after I'm removed from the room.

They've covered his face with bandages and I can't see him any more. His smile, his melting brown eyes, the hair that won't lie straight; they're lost forever. He's dying anyway and I keep telling myself that I can't have made him much worse. It's a pity I don't believe it.

Kawalski is the first to say goodbye. I should have expected it. He and Jack have been friends for a long time. He gives me a big hug and takes a seat on the other side of the bed.

"Jack?" he begins, "I'm not really any good at this..."

"You don't say?" Jack says. Under the bandages I'm sure he's doing his best to grin.

"If you don't make it can I have your stereo?"

There's a coughing, gurgling sound and I realise Jack is laughing. It sounds bad, as if there's a lot of fluid in his lungs. When the laughter dies away, he reaches out and grabs Charlie's hand.

"Promise me something?"

"Anything, you know that."

"Look after Sam and Beth."

"Always."

I want to protest, but I can't. Jack believes he is going to die and there's nothing I can say to reassure him.

Daniel comes in. He looks uncomfortable with the fact that I'm sitting there, but I'm not moving. If he wants to say goodbye he'll have to do it in front of me. I mean how bad can it be? I'm certain he's not going to suddenly declare his undying love... is he?

"Hey Jack," he says.

"Daniel," Jack replies.

"The Naquadria might be an important discovery, so they say."

"If we can get some."

"For what it's worth, I tried to get your point across to Jonas. He's in a tough position."

"You're not gonna take the fall for this. I don't care what's at stake," I break in.

"Sam...," he protests.

"This will not be your last act on official record."

"Oma."

"What?"

Daniel looks at me and I look at Daniel. Neither of us have any idea what he's talking about.

I'm sitting beside him, my hands swathed in rubber gloves so I can at least touch him. There are people watching from above...always people watching. Why won't they give us some privacy dammit! We're not some godamm freak show! There's General Hammond, Kawalski and someone I don't recognise. I glance at him briefly, he looks so young. I realise then that this must be Jonas Quinn.

Teal'c comes in. His face is as impassive as ever, but I sense the deep grief he is hiding. For some reason I find his presence more comforting than any of my other friends. I know he's not going to bother me with any unnecessary words.

"If you are to die O'Neill, I wish you to know that I believe that the fight against the Goa'uld will have lost one of its greatest warriors," he says. "And I will have lost one of my greatest friends."

"Back at ya," Jack manages to reply.

Teal'c places his hand across his chest in silent salute.

The klaxons sound, I take no notice, ignoring their call. If Hammond wants me he'll come and get me.

Then Dad walks in. My Daddy. And I feel nothing but relief. He'll make everything all right again. He has to.

"Sam. I'm so sorry," he whispers as he holds me tight.

"I tried this, it didn't work," I tell him, handing over the healing device.

"We'll do our best."

Dad activates the device in much the same way I did, holding it over Jack's body.

"His condition is grave. I do not know if I can save him. Even if I can, I do not believe I can restore his full healthy state," Selmak informs me.

"Do what you can."

Time passes and I stand and watch. Daniel comes back, Kawalsky. They stand by the door watching. At least Dad doesn't seem to be making him worse. I feel someone touch me on the shoulder, I turn and...

Jack.

"Jack?"

"Yeah."

"What...?"

"Tell Jacob to stop."

"No!"

"I'm ready to move on."

"You can't just give up!"

"I'm not giving up, believe me."

"What about Beth? What about me?"

"You heard your Dad. He probably can't cure me. I think I can do more this way. It's what I want. I have to go now. Everything's gonna be fine. Please Sam, tell Jacob to stop."

And I'm back. I'm sure it's not my voice that speaks the fateful words,

"Dad. Stop."

"Are you serious?" he asks me.

"It's what he wants. Just let him go."

And with those words I seal my husband's fate. The beeps from the monitor become fainter and fainter. There's no fight, no struggle, no last bid for life. There's nothing.

I leave the base straightaway. There are arrangements to be made. Beth for one. I've left her alone for far too long as it is. Someone must have called ahead because the child minder tries to express her sympathy. I say nothing. She probably thinks I'm a cold heartless bitch. Maybe she's right? I still can't cry. Beth asks for her daddy and I tell her to shush.

We go home. Jack's house. We always talked about moving somewhere bigger but we never did. Funny how these things come back to you once it's too late.

Too late.

I remember the time we spent apart and how hard that was. We wasted those precious moments on anger and fear, when we could have been doing so much more. Another baby. Jack wanted a big family but I told him one was enough for now.

I don't understand.

Beth is restless and it takes her a while to go to sleep. I think she knows something is wrong. I mean daddy or I almost always read her a bed time story, but I just couldn't face Five Little Ducks tonight. Jack used to sing it to her. Off key, but that didn't matter. She used to laugh and clap her hands.

Christmas will be coming soon. He'd already bought all kinds of gift for her. They're wrapped up in the closet with labels saying 'love from Daddy.' He was planning to dress up as Santa Claus.

I go to our bed. I changed the sheets the last time I was here and stuck the old ones in the wash. The bed smells of detergent and fabric conditioner, it's as if he's never been here.

Jack?

Everything seems like a dream. Did he really talk to me? Or was that wishful thinking? I never even said 'I love you!' I should have. He left this life not knowing. How could I do that? I still can't cry.

Oh God! Please help me.

Please...


	21. Frozen Steps

//She's burning up!//

* * *

"Five little ducks went swimming one day..."

He's singing to her.

"Over the hills and far away..."

She's laughing at him. Daddy's funny.

"Mother duck cried 'quack, quack, quack,'"

He bounces her on his knee.

"And only four little ducks came back."

Beth claps her hands...

"Where are the ducks, Beth? One, two, three, four..."

Together they point out the ducks on the page...

And I wake up. He's not here. He's still dead.

I cry my guts out.

When it first happened I couldn't cry and now it's all I can do. I want to stop. I don't want it to end. If I stop crying will that mean I've forgotten about him? Will it mean I don't care anymore?

I drag myself out of bed, and go in to see to Beth. Thank God she's started sleeping through the night again. When Jack went away she was up at 0300 every morning. It was killing me, so even 0500 is an improvement.

I have to be at the base early anyway.

There have been some changes. Kawalsky is now CO of SG-1 and he's taken Ferretti from me. Not that I can blame him. Lou is a great 2IC and deserves the opportunity. And as for me...I've been stuck with Jonas Quinn. At first I thought it was someone's idea of a joke, but Hammond was serious. He seems to think the man deserves a chance. I don't. He was, after all, partially responsible for my husband's death. I know he risked a great deal to bring us the Naquadria and that he can't go home...and all the other reasons people have given me.

And the man just smiles too much. No one can be that happy all of the time!

* * *

//You're going to be fine, Sam. I'll see you soon.//

* * *

The funeral was the worst. Sara was there...that was the worst too. So many people were offering her their sympathy...no one seemed to have time for me. I stood there on the sidelines, wondering if I was really Jack's wife.

I know I could have spared myself all this. Jack was willing to make a clean break, but I wouldn't let him. Hell, I practically begged him to come back to me. Yet, if I hadn't...if I hadn't Jack would have left this world thinking I didn't love him, thinking that I didn't care.

So in a way I'm glad.

In a way I want to stop crying.

I held onto Beth as hard as I could, she was my part of Jack and no one was going to take her from me. Dad didn't think she should be there, but he was wrong. I needed our baby and it didn't matter what anyone else thought. We stood close to the grave as Jack's coffin was lowered into the Earth. Sara stepped up beside us and I couldn't begrudge her this last moment.

She dropped a rose and a picture of Charlie onto the coffin. I threw lilies and one of Beth's drawings. Then wonder of wonders we held hands, bound together by our grief.

* * *

//Blood pressure's holding 80 over 40. I wanna do a manual and uh, get me the results of her latest bloodwork.//

* * *

They all came home with me that night. I wanted to be alone but no one would let me. Least of all Dad. He's on a guilt trip too. He thinks he should have carried on, but it was my decision. I was the one who made him stop. I was the one who killed Jack. Janet told me there was no way he could have survived, even with the healing device. The damage was too severe. I believed her. I had to or I'd go insane.

Charlie wanted to have a wake, but I couldn't do that. How could I celebrate his life when I miss him so much? So we just sat around drinking the last of Jack's Guinness. At least the guys did. I hardly touched my beer. I didn't want to numb the pain...Sleep I need to sleep.

"Sam, I don't know if you can hear me. The Tok'ra have offered you a deal. There's a symbiote that needs a host."

It's Janet. Talking to me. Where am I? What happened? Her words don't seem to make any sense. Am I dying? I must be... and it all comes back. Antarctica and the woman in the ice. We all got sick, so why am I the only one in here? What happened to her?

"They think it could cure you. Now, it may be your only chance. It would only be temporary. It would come out of you as soon as they found another host. Sam, are you getting any of this?"

Oh God, they want to give me a symbiote. I remember Jolinar, and everything she did to me. There's no way I'd put myself through that again. Besides I'm not sure, right now I have anything to live for. It's selfish of me, but I can't help feeling that maybe Jack will come for me.

"Janet?" I gasp.

"I'm right here," she smiles down at me.

"Over my dead body."

"Sam, the symbiote's host died while they were on a mission. The Tok'ra have strong reason to believe that the symbiote has vital information to reveal and this would give him that chance. Now, they promised that if no other host was found within a reasonable amount of time, the symbiote would sacrifice itself rather than stay in an unwilling host. Sam, please."

I shake my head. I'm coming Jack, wait for me my love.

But Janet won't let me go.

"There's something else you should know, Sam," she begins.

I don't want to listen. Letting my body relax, I will my life force to slip away.

"You're pregnant."

And suddenly I'm back.

"If you die so does Jack's baby. Do you really want that?"

It's an effort but I shake my head.

"So I'll tell the Tok'ra you'll take the symbiote?"

I nod.

* * *

Dad is with me. I distinctly feel his hand in mine as they ready me for the implantation. They must have given me something to help me get through this because I feel almost coherent. Janet said something about a baby. Was that real or some kind of dream? I remember how much trouble I had before, this miscarriage then the amount of time it took to get pregnant with Beth... seems impossible this could happen by accident.

"Dad," I croak, my voice sounds so weak.

"What is it kid?" he replies.

"Baby, what will happen?"

"You should be okay. Kanan won't be in you long enough to cause a problem."

"Problem?"

"An active symbiote can cause a miscarriage, but you don't have anything to worry about. Trust me. This won't be a true blending."

"You I trust."

I sound like Jack and I wonder for a second if I'm channelling his spirit.

"It is time," another voice says and I recognise it as belonging to Anise.

Hands grab me and turn me over onto my side. I can see Anise coming towards me holding out the symbiote. If I could run away I think I would. She places the symbiote before me whilst Dad gently coaxes my mouth open. This isn't like it was with Jolinar. This time I know what's going to happen. There's a moment of pain and then I feel it.

Someone else in my head.

"Just relax," Dad tells me, "let Kanan heal you."

I close my eyes, but it isn't easy. Part of me is fighting this.

"Your Dad's right."

Jack's voice. Now I know I'm delusional.

"Think of Beth," he goes on. "She needs her mom."

"I'm trying," I tell him, willing to play into the illusion.

"That's right, Sam."

I imagine I can feel his hand in my hair, I imagine I feel his breath on my cheek. I imagine I'm crying again.


	22. Step into the Abyss

This body is strange to me. I sleep, yet I do not sleep, denied a true blending by the child she carries beneath her heart. The healing was not easy. She was almost dead when I came to her. I think she wanted to die... part of her still does. This I do not understand.

Her memories are open to me and I see many wonderful things. The places she's been, the lovers she's taken, the true wonder she experienced when her first child was born. Although in the latter case there was also a great deal of pain... which makes me wonder why she would choose this path a second time. Then again, I have never taken a female host before so perhaps this is beyond my comprehension.

And Jolinar? It has been a pleasure to reacquaint myself with my old friend. Her memory still burns bright within Samantha. So many of us are gone now. Lantash only survived his mate by a few years. I often wonder what might have happened if he hadn't loved Jolinar so deeply. His obsession with this woman was his downfall. She could never have loved him as Jolinar had done. It was foolish. She was already bound to another.

This Jack is foremost in her thoughts. She lived and breathed for him and their daughter. When he died Samantha stopped living. She told herself she still existed for Elizabeth, but she was lying to herself and to everyone else. Most of her friends think she's coping well but they don't see the pain inside.

I sift through her memories, returning to the joyful moments. Somehow I am more comfortable with happiness. It lifts the darkness of my own existence. All of my life I have served the Tok'ra. Taking new hosts when necessary, discarding them when they have reached the end of their usefulness. I have always avoided becoming entangled in the lives of others. I have done my duty and done it well.

Why then do I feel nothing but emptiness?

It is Samantha! She has put these thoughts into my mind! Memories of warmth and companionship. Memories of love. I have never experienced these feelings. Except...

Shallan.

Unbidden I recall my last mission and the woman who helped me. She knew the risks, so why did she put her life on the line for me? And why can't I stop thinking about her? I try to stop. After all, she may well be dead. If Baal found out she helped me he would have killed her. I shouldn't feel guilty, but I do. I was the one who left her behind. If she dies it will be my fault.

No one gets left behind. Samantha believed this, just as her husband did. She would want me to return for Shallan. Even if she did not, I can not allow her any choice in the matter. This is what I must do.

I love her.

***

Samantha's body is barely healed but I need it for another purpose. Time is running out but I force myself to wait for the most opportune moment. Since the attack on Revanna our numbers have been severely depleted so leaving the base will be easy enough. If I choose the correct time it is unlikely that anyone will notice for a number of hours. By then I can be halfway to the next star system.

However, I must wait a while longer. Jacob Carter always joins his daughter for dinner at this time and he is punctual. I stay quiet as I listen to them discuss trivial matters. Samantha is eager to find out if a more suitable host has been located. I am overjoyed when Jacob's answer is negative.

"I'm sorry Sam," he says, "but these things take time."

"It's been almost a month. I can't keep talking to my daughter through a wormhole!"

"I know... I know..."

"And I can't leave her with Janet indefinitely... If I could just bring her here..."

"Out of the question."

"Dad!"

"This is no place for children."

"Then it's no place for me either. Sooner or later I'm going to get tired of waiting."

Her words couldn't have been more appropriate. When I leave they will think Samantha has returned to Earth.

"Look, Sam, I know how hard this is for you, especially so soon after losing Jack," Jacob continues.

"That's not what this is about."

"It wouldn't hurt you to talk about him."

She is silent and I feel her mental walls slide into place. Samantha doesn't want to talk about Jack because it hurts too much. Jacob isn't the only one to notice that she rarely says his name.

"Okay," he tells her, "but when you're ready, I'll be here."

"Thanks Dad."

And she lets him hold her for a while.

"Now I'll see if I can't hurry things along a little," he tells her.

Once he's gone, Samantha starts to cry. She always sheds her tears alone if she can. She knows her father's words were a lie. Likely as not he'll be away on another mission soon and she'll have no one to talk to. Not when she's stuck here, isolated from everyone she cares about.

Her defences are low and I have no trouble gently pushing her to one side and taking control.

***

As I suspected, no one notices me leaving the base or stealing the ship.

Samantha fought against me when she first realised what was happening. I could hear her screaming, begging, pleading with me to stop. She thinks she will never get home. She thinks she will never see her daughter again. And she is worried for her unborn child.

She's quiet now. Maybe a little too quiet? I do not think I have done her or the child any harm, but I can not be certain. Even so, it is too late to reverse my actions. Any damage will be permanent. Naturally, I feel some regret. Samantha's is a brilliant mind. It would be unfortunate if it were damaged in any way.

I am challenged the ship drops out of hyperspace but I still have the required codes and they let me through. The planet is swathed in darkness... but it always is. Even during daylight hours the sky is covered by a thick layer of cloud. It is amazing that anything manages to live... although I use that term loosely. The growth of the trees is stunted and no grass grows. It's as if the soil itself abhors Baal's presence. As well it might.

Once on the ground I have no trouble finding the woman I seek. Shallan doesn't believe me at first.

"Is it you?" she asks.

She wastes valuable times with her questions. The body I wear may have changed, but my feelings have not

"You should not have come back," she tells me.

I do not have the luxury of being able to convince her.

"If I leave with you, he will know," she argues.

I force her to come with me, dragging her behind as we run for the Stargate. She's crying as she stumbles along. Her movements are encumbered by her long dress. The material catches on the undergrowth, the sound of it ripping echoes through the night and I'm scared it will give away our position. Before long there are Jaffa chasing us. She is not strong and it is clear she can go no further.

"It's too far," she sobs, "I can't."

The Stargate is so close I can almost touch it. I could carry her through, but I need my hands free to operate the DHD.

"Hide here until the Chappa'ai is activated," I tell her, careful to keep a certain amount of tenderness in my voice. "Now go."

Reaching the DHD, I start to dial. Caught up in the glow of the chevrons I fail to notice the Jaffa have come closer. The next thing I feel is pain as the staff weapon blast rips through my flesh. I can smell it burning as I fall. There is a scream and I realise Shallan has been captured.

This body, I realise, has done all it can for me. It is dying. I can not heal it, not without risking capture. If I am to help Shallan I must stay alive. With regret I tear myself free.

I do not know what my future will hold... or Samantha's. With luck Baal will revive her in a sarcophagus so that she may live and give birth to her child. I hope her friends will find her.

I hope that, one day, I will be able to tell her that I am sorry.


	23. Tortured Steps

I feel like the Stargate never existed. It's been three months since I've seen it. Three months since I've learned to hate the Tok'ra. One hundred day since Kanan took my body and left it with Ba'al.

One hundred days… that seems familiar somehow but I can't for the life of me remember why. I'm not sure I even want to remember. I want to shut every memory, every feeling out of my mind. That way… that way… maybe it won't hurt so much? You see Kanan did more than steal my body. He took the last part of Jack, my reason for living, my unborn child.

I remember waking up in the infirmary. Janet's face was bent close to mine. Everyone was talking in whispers. They were all so sorry… it was a little girl. Janet told me that much. She suggested we hold a memorial service but I said no. How can you celebrate the life of something that never lived? I wanted that baby so much. Since Jack went away she was one of the things I lived for. The other one…

Beth.

I wish she were here. I wish I could hold my little girl, but she like everything else, has been taken from me. She's living with my brother. A temporary arrangement, or so they told me. But I don't believe them any more. Why should I? Sometimes Mark calls me and has Beth speak over the phone, but it's impossible to have a conversation with someone who's not yet two years old. She still says Goold a lot.

It was all a stupid mistake but no one would listen. Kids hurt themselves. It's a universal truth. However much you try to protect them, there's always some injury that you can't explain, that makes you look like a bad parent.

Beth had just started to walk… on her knees. Okay it wasn't exactly what she was supposed to be doing, but it got her from A to B. When I put her in her sleep suit, she kind of looked like Maggie Simpson. But she was walking. I wish Jack could have seen her. He would have been so proud. And the first time, the very first time she stood on her own two feet, she pitched forward and hit her head on the coffee table. Her scream was loud enough to wake the dead…

It did.

I swear he was with me as I ran to pick her up. I even called out his name… just as Janet walked through the door.

Ostensibly, she was there to check up on me, but she walked in at the worst possible time. My baby was bleeding and I was telling my dead husband what we needed to do. She didn't need any more evidence that Samantha Carter was three fries short of a Happy Meal. Janet called Mark and asked him to come for Beth. She told him I was having problems and I couldn't convince anyone of anything different.

That wasn't the first time I'd mentioned seeing Jack. He was with me during my captivity. He was the one who kept me sane when I was being tortured by Ba'al. Ironic when you consider my current situation and the number of people who consider me nuts. But telling my doctor that I'd seen him… not a good idea. That was the point where it all started to go wrong. No one would believe me, and it hurt. After everything we've been through, all the strange stuff we've seen I would have thought that someone would have been open to the possibility that Jack wasn't dead.

General Hammond stopped short of giving me a medical discharge, but I don't think anyone truly believes I'll be back. Sometimes I wonder how they are managing to survive without me. Apparently, there's some red-hot doctor called McKay who's taken my place. Everyone hates him, but not enough to ask me back.

My days pass in a blur. I get up, shower, put some clothes on and watch daytime TV. At first I used to go out every day. I used to force myself to face the world, but now I don't bother. It just got too damn hard, especially seeing the children. They seemed to be everywhere...

So, I stay in my house. I can get everything delivered. I'm still getting paid, even if I wasn't, Jack's military pension takes care of all my needs. I actually have more money than I know what to do with. Sometimes, I send some to Beth, but Mark has started returning my cheques. He's right, what would a two year old want with money?

Dad has dropped by a couple of times, but I can't look at him without remembering what Kanan did to me… what Jolinar did to me. I have no reason to trust the Tok'ra and he's one of them. That's my fault too. But I don't think that any child wants their parent to die. No one is every really ready for that.

Cause and effect.

If I hadn't talked Dad into taking the symbiote then we would have never become allies with the Tok'ra and…

I would probably be dead.

I don't think I'm ready for that either.

Janet wants me to talk to a professional. She says that, if I do, then I could come back to work. I always tell her no. I don't really see the point You see, if I wanted to conform to their perception of normality then I'd have to deny what I know to be true. Jack is alive. I don't know how or why, but he is. The truth is my prison and I don't want to be released.

God I need something, a drink… a kick up the ass? Someone who'll believe me?

I haven't seen my friends in a while. They're busy, I know that. The world is still out there and it still needs to be saved now and then. They come by when they can. At least I think they do, but I realise now that I haven't spoken to another human being for a whole week. I guess I make them uncomfortable.

When the doorbell rings, it takes me several seconds to respond. I'm not due a delivery and the neighbours aren't in the habit of coming round. I switch off the TV and go to the door. Teal'c is standing there. I can't help feeling surprised. Of all of them, I think he's the one who finds my 'condition' the most distasteful. I don't think Jaffa get depressed.

"Come in," I tell him.

I notice that it's cold outside and wonder when it got to be winter? Teal'c seems a little lost, a little confused. For the first time in what seems like forever, I'm interested in what's been happening at the SGC.

"Sit down. Can I get you anything?" I ask him.

"Milk," he replies.

Seeing the condition he's in, I take the liberty of warming the milk first. After adding a little sugar and cinnamon, I hand it to him. Teal'c clasps the mug but doesn't drink.

"What happened?" I ask.

"I am no longer in possession of my symbiote," he replies.

"Then how…?"

"A drug called tretonin. SG-1 discovered it some weeks ago. It replaces my immune system."

"Teal'c that's wonderful. That could mean…"

"Freedom for all Jaffa. Of that I am aware."

For some reason, he doesn't sound very happy. Somehow, I don't think the loss of his symbiote is the problem. I sit back and wait, giving him time and space. He must have come here for a reason. Eventually my patience pays off and Teal'c begins to speak,

"I believe I have seen O'Neill."

The admission is painful for him. I don't think Teal'c wants to believe that he has seen a ghost.

"Where?"

"Bra'tac and I were sharing my symbiote. I was dreaming and O'Neill was there. He promised he would not leave my side… he led me back to this reality."

"Have you told anyone else?"

"I have not... but I will… if you so wish."

Smiling, I shake my head,

"No, you don't have to do that. You've told me, that's enough."

Enough to stop me doubting my own sanity. Enough to make me want to fight again. First thing tomorrow, I'm going out to San Diego. I'm going to get my little girl back and then…

Who knows? But Jack… wherever he is, will be at my side. Somehow, I don't think we've seen the last of him. He may not be able to help us directly, but from Teal'c's words, I know that Jack will find a way.

And I'll be waiting.


	24. Circular Steps

"And so the ducklings at last were free,"

I love reading to Beth. There's something very special about these moments between waking and sleeping. It feels like nothing in the Universe can touch us. Beth blinks at me sleepily, my voice soothing her into sleep.

"And fox had only toast for tea."

Her breathing softens, her eyes close. My daughter sleeps. I watch her for a while, happy beyond measure that she is back where she belongs. The fight to get her back was worth everything to me. If I'm honest, Mark's objections were half-hearted. Deep down, he knew that I needed her. I can forgive him now that she's back with me. He was just trying to be a good brother.

Even now he's trying to help me in his not so subtle big brother way. Jack's been gone a year and Mark obviously thinks that it's time I rejoined the world. Setting me up with one of his friends reeks of good intentions and I had no intention of calling Pete Shanahan but…

The sad truth is that I'm lonely. I have regular appointments with Dr. McKenzie but he's fallen short of letting me back to work at the SGC. He still thinks I need more time. Even Teal'c's testimonial wasn't enough to convince him otherwise. Apparently I'm still showing signs of PTSD.

So I'm stuck here, a prisoner in my own house, or so it seems. The guys come round when they can but I know it's difficult for them. And I get the feeling that they are uncomfortable with the person that I've become. I haven't spoken to Janet since she took Beth away from me.

I miss her.

I could call, but I wouldn't know what to say.

Tucking the blanket more securely around Beth's shoulders and I make sure her favourite stuffed toy is close at hand before switching off the light and quietly leave the room.

"She should be okay now," I tell the sitter. "I'll be back before 2300."

I'm meeting Pete at the restaurant. Somehow I couldn't get my head around him coming here to pick me up. That would make it seem too much like a date. Even though it is…

I think I look okay. I mean I don't really have 'date' clothes anymore and it feels like forever since I last wore any makeup. My hair hasn't been cut in a while and it's grown to the length where I no longer know what to do with it. I really hope that Pete isn't expecting too much.

I'm early and spend a few anxious minutes sitting alone at the table, trying to look interested in the menu, but the words aren't making much sense. I realize suddenly that I shouldn't be here. The restaurant is crowded and the shear number of people around is making my head spin. I'm not ready for this. I feel like I'm betraying Jack. Although quite how I can be unfaithful to a man who no longer has a corporeal presence and lives on another plane of existence…

"Samantha?"

I look up to see the man who must be Pete. There is something vaguely familiar about him. I think we must have met at some time.

"Sam," I tell him, trying to force a smile.

"Pete," he places an awkward kiss on my cheek by way of greeting and it's all I can do not to flinch.

Pete takes the seat across from me and studies his own menu, giving me the chance to look him over. He's pleasant looking, wearing a jacket and tie so he's obviously making an effort.

"So…" he begins.

"This is…"

"Awkward?"

I laugh as I nod. It seems that he feels as uncomfortable as I do.

"Mark said you had a little girl?"

He's making polite conversation, but I notice that Pete is avoiding the subject of Jack. I happily talk about Beth while we wait for our food to arrive. Having a conversation with another adult is a novelty for me and before long I actually realize that I'm enjoying this.

Pete is nice in a goofy kind of way. A divorced cop, he says very little about his ex-wife, and I don't ask. It's not really a subject for a first date. I'm guessing that Mark set me up with a cop because of the supposed similarities of our lifestyles. Working late aside, somehow I get the feeling that Pete wouldn't be satisfied with not knowing exactly what a partner did for a living. He knows that I'm military but he seems to ask a few too many questions about what I actually do.

I have no problem deflecting his enquiries but he's a bit like a puppy that won't let go of your favourite shoe.

When the evening comes to an end I find myself wondering if this is an experience that I'll be repeating anytime soon. We part company at the restaurant with another awkward kiss and a 'must do this again sometime'. Pete says that he'll call me.

I don't know if I want him too. Driving home, I'm glad to be by myself again. It took us a couple of hours to eat dinner and I have to admit that socializing for that long was a strain. I'm out of practice. And I'm even happier when I'm home.

Once I have removed all of the trappings of my date and am comfortable in my flannel pajamas, I go back to my daughter's room. According to the babysitter she's be quiet ever since I left.

"Hello Sam."

My hand flies to my mouth as I stifle a scream. Jack. His hair brushed, wearing unnaturally white clothes. Even so … I wish he wouldn't creep up on me like that. He's sitting in the rockin gchair next to Beth's bed, watching over her as he's always done. I want to run to him, hold him and kiss him, but I know from previous experience that won't be possible. Having a non-corporeal husband has a whole lot of disadvantages. By the expression on his face I can tell that he hates this as well.

"Sam, Abydos is in trouble," he says, wasting no time with pleasantries. "Anubis is on his way … he's after the Eye of Ra."

"Eye of Ra…?"

"Daniel has a replica and he may know where to find the real one. You have to find the Eye of Ra before Anubis does. Keep it, hide it, destroy it, whatever, it doesn't matter, we don't have much time."

"Jack…"

"Sam, I can't help. Just talking to you is a violation. The others will stop me. "

The others. He spoke of them before. There's fear in his voice. Real fear. There's very little that Jack is actually afraid of and I find myself wondering at the power of these 'others'. What kind of punishment can they be threatening in order to keep a man such as Jack O'Neill in line? Ascension certainly doesn't seem to be all that it's cracked up to be. It doesn't make you all knowing or all-powerful and it stops you helping the ones you love.

"I'm sorry, Sam," he says, "but I have to go. You have to help them."

"I will," I tell him, even though I don't know how. Jack probably missed the part about me no longer being on active duty at the SGC. But that doesn't matter now. I know that Jack wouldn't ask unless this was of utmost importance. He would never admit it, but the people of Abydos hold a special place in his heart. They were the ones who brought him back to life after Charlie and for that they had earned my gratitude too.

"Thank you."

Instinctively, he steps towards me they he remembers that we can't touch. With a resigned smile he fades away, once again leaving me wondering if he was ever here.

Wasting no time I pick up the phone and call Daniel. I'm not surprised that he's still at work. Sometimes I long for the days when I could just stay in my lab for as long as I wanted.

"Jackson," his voice answers the phone. He sounds tired.

"Daniel, it's me," I say, "What do you know about an 'Eye of Ra'?"

"Sam?"

'The Eye of Ra, Daniel, it's important."

I can hear scuffling on the other end of the phone, something heavy thudding down on a desk and pages turning. Daniel is doing his research.

"Uh… According to legend there were six Eyes including those held by Apophis, Osiris and Tiamat among others. Each is powerful on its own but to use them in combination increases that power ten fold."

"Anubis must be looking for the sixth," I tell him. "It's on Abydos and Anubis is on his way there. You have to stop him, Daniel."

"Wait a second. Sam, how do you know all of this?"

I'm silent for a moment, breathing a silent prayer that Daniel will believe me.

"Jack told me," I say eventually.

" Sam I …"

"Just go and talk to Teal'c, he's seen him too," I snap. "And then go save Abydos."

I slam the phone down without waiting for a reply. Taking a few deep breaths, I try to calm myself down. It still hurts. Even though I knew that he wouldn't believe me, I still feel betrayed. I can't help myself.

Needing some air, I walk out into the yard. It's clear night. I have Jack's telescope set up there and I can't stop myself aligning it in the direction I know Abydos to be. I centre the star in the viewer. It's one of the closest stars to Earth but I know that I have no chance of seeing the planet.

I hope against hope that SG-1 heed Jack's warning and get there in time.

"I tried Jack," I whisper into the darkness.

But I can't help wonder if my efforts have been enough. I could have gone to the SGC … but they would have turned me back at the gate. And there is Beth to think of. I won't let them take her away again.

A breath of warm air brushes against my cheek and I think I hear his voice whisper,

"Thank you."


End file.
